These are two posts from our email list and I thought I would share them. I authored them.
It is just in simple speak some of the things we were discussing and my thoughts. A student on the list thought it would be a good idea to post the two emails here.
Email One
I am going to address this in proper Demetria fashion, no bs, no wishy washy, but to the point
As a lot of you know I am not a flowery gusher so here goes....
Just to make it clear this email is inspired by the recent conversation, but that's it. It also covers a lot of other stuff, so no one needs to take any one part personally.
That isn't the point, it is about expectations and working as a doula.
I know we all have differently ways of caring for women, but these are some basic tenets we all should to abide by:
1. No drinking on call or on duty
2. No drugs on call or on duty.
3. Working reliable transportation
4. Sufficient funds to feed, water yourself and family while at a birth.
5. Reliable childcare. This is really hard. I have had children at a prenatal appointment myself. But your children should never be at someone else's birth. It is not appropriate to ask a family to put up with our kids, no matter our experience or education level. Even asking parents to accept this puts them in an uncomfortable position, especially ones who don't feel they have other options. We complain about this behavior in other fields and we must never put a mother in a similar situation.
It doesn't matter if the birth is a freebie or full payment. We do not offer different levels of service based on what someone pays or our training level. We strive for excellence either way. So you are in it completely and have to separate the two. It is not fair for a women who is relying on you for her emotional support to know you aren't truly able to support her. This is not like bringing children to the office for the day. Births can and do last for hours, hospital staff will have to "take care" of your children potentially, or your children will be in the women's private sacred space. What if your kids fight, get hungry, need mom for any reason? It is not okay to put our children or the families we serve in this position.
If you want to be a SAHM then put your training on hold. Offer other types of care.
I still AP, but my husband_ is able to take on his share_. I coslept and BF for over 8 years. My boys are now 11 and 13 and we still AP, but I would never send my kids into a friends prostate exam so why would I have them as a voyeur at someones birth. My children know birth is beautiful and normal, but it is sacred and private and no matter the age they would have been a distraction and energy in that room.
Example- Mother is actually bleeding to death, massive hemorrhage, do I assist mom, keep her focused or explain to my children why blood is cascading onto the floor. Either way someone looses and is traumatized by my lack of attention. It is not fair.
Example- Father faints, freaks my kids out, freaks mom and dad out?
Example- Kids are tired and fighting and have been in one room for 10 hours.... what next?
Having "kid friendly" clients is extremely wishful thinking, everyone is kid friendly until they are not,or need you. It is not a fair spot for you, your kids or the client.
6. You are actually a doula from the first day you enroll. This covers just observing. You need to act and think like an "actual" doula. Can you imagine how much damage a doula bringing her children into the hospital can hurt the profession. There are not two levels of professionalism or ethics based on your level of training. All students should act professionally, ethically and accordingly from day one.
7. Being a doula can be extremely stressful for your family. Make sure you as a unit can handle it. Many spouses totally support doula work until they see the reality. Make sure you can do it all. There is no shame in taking a break, not taking clients 1-2 months a year or not being a doula after all. When a new doula dives head first even the most stable supportive spouse can become insecure and jealous of the work and time it takes from them and the children.
8. Don't take more clients than you can handle or have backup for. Don't overbook. When we over book it is for one of two reasons, money or ego. The money will come if we are seen as solid and reliable in your community for the long run versus the doula who stood so and so up. If it is then ego we need to take a look at ourselves..
The family needs me? No they need help, so help them find someone.
I am so great? Really, wow, then be good enough to find them appropriate care.
I am the only doula in town? Then sponsor a training, you will get some well trained back up and sisters to work with, help get the word out, etc..
Birth work is often broken down to money, money for gas, food, time, supplies and I totally get that. But birth work has no room for ego in the birth room.
9. Talking about other doulas or organizations- Look I don't do it. I never want to. When asked about another organization I just don't as a rule. I want to support all types of doulas and organizations. Having you all working is really important to me. Speaking of organizations, we are the fastest growing organization, internationally.
10. Sometimes shit is going to happen. You are going to suck as a doula, you are going to be late, miss a birth, witness tragedy and grief. It happens to us all. Know that you are never alone and you can always call me. I have had more than one call with a student in tears. It is normal to feel overwhelmed, scared and angry at times. Our work is not easy. Emotionally we take on a lot, no matter the birth circumstances. We experience the highs and lows each time.
11. Something personal to all students.
I in all seriousness feel we have the BEST collection of students in the world. You are all so sweet, dedicated, smart and driven to succeed. I am extremely grateful for this.
We, all the instructors appreciate all of you so much.
Email Two- Response about working together and family support
I agree. As a community we all should be working to assist each other.
We can be financially successful by working together and supporting each other, this in turn will make our work easier on our families.
Families really feel our work in so many ways and having a way to support them and ourselves only improves the success of our work. In workshops I talk about being able to "buy" our way out.
What I mean by this is that our work should be able to sustain our families in ways that money can help with like:
Night with Dad, movies and games
Fun day at the waterpark
Vacation for family.
In my first years of doula work I made enough to pay for a much needed second car and pay for family fun vacations. I decided early on that my work like all work needs to have a goal and my goal was to be able to give my children and husband fun extras.
This way they knew my work benefited them and the loss of mom was replaced with fun
stuff with dad or a family fun day.
The people who feel our work the most are not the moms, it is our children and spouses.
I would have scoffed at my husband saying he wanted what at the time was not a high paying job that could take him away for 48 hours.
Fortunately my husband got what this work meant to me and he knew this work was more than a job to me, but I don't think I could have sustained it if my family got nothing out of the deal.
I set family and financial goals for myself.
Make enough to take the kids to the Bahamas, waterpark, see a new movie in the theaters. Because of this my birth times became awesome dad-kid adventures.
I was also able to pay a sitter $10 plus an hour if I needed to.
Now that my kids are older they like my job, they see it as adding to our life, not taking from them.
Talk to anyone honestly about long term birth work with little kids and see what they say.
I never scheduled births on or around my kids birthdays. They didn't care about other holidays but they wanted me home on their birthdays.
Upon asking about a client due around Christmas they said they could go to grandmas with dad and celebrate when I got home, but their birthdays were their day.
Fair enough I said and never scheduled around birthdays.
Now they are older and they get my work more they are more flexible and look forward to helping me with my go bag and cleaning up.
My boys now want to know how it went, etc..
I have a feeling they will make great birth partners one day.
Well I have rambled but I wanted to let you all know that we have all experienced the issues that come with our work and I wanted to share what works for us.
Excuse my spelling, I am on my mobile. Recovering from a swollen hip, yanked it playing
with my boys and husband
Both boys are now my height and well let's say momma needs to get some new moves, lol...
Demetria
Great words of wisdom! 
Demetria. Thank you!!
Goin' for it!
