How do I help this mom?

lizzyisamommy · 12-20-2006, 08:19 PM

I have a friend that is having a hard time with BF right now. She told me there are times she wants to quit nursing, her dd is only 7 mo. Several things are affecting this and I don't really know what to tell her.

First of all, her dh is not supportive of her BF, she didnt BF her first child for more than 2 weeks, so all this is new anyway. He thinks that it's "ridiculous", that thier dd is "too attatched" to mom, that she would sleep longer at night if she had formula, that formula is the same as breast milk. This really makes me sad and angry.

Also mom is exhausted physically and emotionally. The baby sleeps in the same room as mom and dad, but she still nurses at night several times. Mom has to get up and go get the baby, and then she doesn't lie back in bed to nurse because her husband "wont allow" the baby in their bed!!

There are several problems going on in the marriage that I can't share and go way beyond my scope to help anyway.

I have thought about mentioning maybe getting a futon mattress so that she can lay down to nurse at night. It's just ridiculous to me to not be allowed to cosleep with my baby when she nurses all night, but that is none of my business I guess. How do I help this woman? She feels very strongly about nursing and wants to continue. What would you do / say?

heathenmamaof5 · 12-20-2006, 10:10 PM

Wow, how bout marraige couseling? OK, that was said very smart-Alecky-sorry

For the hubby I would ask mom about getting LLL pamphlets (or Medela tear sheets?) and leaving them in the bathroom. I know it's sneaky, but hey, you gotta do what ya gotta do!

As a LLL Leader I also talked to Moms about putting a twin bed in the baby's room sooner rather than later. It worked well for us, we just play musical beds.

Why is the baby nursing all night? Is she making up day time feedings? Is she high needs during the day? Is baby gaining well? Is baby on solids? How about allergies? How's mom's nutrition?

It seems with breastfeeding there's is always more questions that need to be asked.

I had another thought. Lots of times Dads are jealous of the time the new Mom spends with the baby. The baby's needs come first. Some people have a very hard time with that concept. My In-Laws come to mind.

Anyways, sometimes if a Mom verbalizes that the reason she loves the baby so much is because the baby is a peice of each of them it can make a difference. Like-I Love You Sooooo Much and because of that I Love Your Child-kind of thing. I know, kind of amazing, but you'd be surprised how many people don't verbalize thing like that.

I do!

Just my

-if it was blather my excuse is I have a killer headache. Guess I'm off the computer :wah

1stimestar · 12-20-2006, 10:37 PM

I tend to ask people like that (the dad) "Who's the adult and who is the totally dependant baby here?" I would have her go to some LLL meetings to get more support and encouragment. I know your help and encouragment means a lot to her too.

douladot · 12-21-2006, 05:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by heathenmamaof5

Wow, how bout marraige couseling? OK, that was said very smart-Alecky-sorry

sumama · 12-21-2006, 08:28 AM

Do we have the same mom friend? LOL I have a friend with a new baby (about 1 1/2 months old though) who is going through a similar situation. Her husband is feeling left out because baby only wants mommy. Mommy is nursing. Mommy is doing a FANTASTIC job at nursing. Dad wants to feed baby so baby will be close to him as well.

I told mom to let dad do everything else for baby when he's around. Burp, change, carry in sling, hold. In the meantime, mommy can take a shower, a nap, read a book, make dinner, etc... whatever she wants!

Dad is also unsure about co-sleeping. So I told mom to get one of those snuggle nest things that go in your bed. Those things are pretty pointless and useless if you ask me, but sometimes it's more about the parents perception of "safety" that makes a difference.

Mom was asking where you dtd if baby co-sleeps, so I told her all about how other rooms in the house accomodate for that purpose.

I hope I helped the mom out. She and I are going to go to the next LLL meeting together. I'm hoping once she's around other moms she'll start to feel more comfortable. That reminds me I need to call her today.

I would definitely suggest LLL to your mom friend. Marriage counseling sounds like it's in order as well.

doula Michele · 12-21-2006, 10:36 AM

Just because dad won't co-sleep doesn't mean they need councelling.
Kids in our bed just never happened. But it was a choice we both made. We needed that time together.

I don't know what I would suggest. Just listen to her I guess.
It is so important that these things get worked out before baby gets here.

MothertheMother · 12-21-2006, 11:29 AM

I don't think the co-sleeping issue is the reason they need counseling. I completely understand why some people choose not to co-sleep or only chose to for a short time. The biggest issue from what I am reading is the fact that Dad is putting his needs before mom's and baby's. She needs to be getting more sleep than she's getting and probably would if she brought baby back to bed but he has made his decision. We all know that the benefits of breastfeeding but he wants her to stop because he wants more attention. It is so common for men to go through these kinds of feelings and I think it'd help him to understand that he isn't the only one. My husband had these same feelings but agreed on what was best for me and baby. I agree that nursing several times a night doesn't seem in order for a 7 month old so I think she'd be doing herself a huge favor by seeing what she can do to change that. It seems 75% of her problems would be eliminated. I would assume lack of sex is an issue as it usually is. I bet he thinks if baby was on formula and sleeping more mom wouldn't be too tired for sex as often.

1stimestar · 12-21-2006, 12:10 PM

Perhaps pointing out that if baby was put on formula they BOTH would get less sleep, with having to get up and fix bottles and a less healthy baby...

lizzyisamommy · 12-21-2006, 07:57 PM

I'm not sure if sex is an issue here or not. From the times we've talked she mentioned that it wasn't. Mom is also not comfortable with co-sleeping, but she doesn't feel as strongly about it as dad does. I mentioned the extra bed / matress idea, so she could fall asleep while nursing, and she didn't go for it. Ok, so we agreed to disagree there.

Baby is eating solids. She is not very high needs, but she does need mom when mom is around (what baby doesn't). Aside from that, when I have watched her in the nursery at church she is a very contented baby so I wouldn't really call her high needs.

I hope they do get some counselling, because like I mentioned in the OP, there are other issues going on here too. You gals are right, dad is putting his needs ahead of the baby's and mom's, I realized that right away.

As far as LLL goes, well, there is supposed to be one here on base. But I have not been able to contact them. I help run a breastfeeding group here also, but we are not affiliated with LLL, and I am certainly not as knowledgeable as a LLL leader. I just help where I can and mostly do a lot of listening.

lizzyisamommy · 12-21-2006, 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1stimestar

Perhaps pointing out that if baby was put on formula they BOTH would get less sleep, with having to get up and fix bottles and a less healthy baby...

Good point.

lizzyisamommy · 12-21-2006, 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MothertheMother

I don't think the co-sleeping issue is the reason they need counseling. I completely understand why some people choose not to co-sleep or only chose to for a short time. The biggest issue from what I am reading is the fact that Dad is putting his needs before mom's and baby's. She needs to be getting more sleep than she's getting and probably would if she brought baby back to bed but he has made his decision. We all know that the benefits of breastfeeding but he wants her to stop because he wants more attention. It is so common for men to go through these kinds of feelings and I think it'd help him to understand that he isn't the only one. My husband had these same feelings but agreed on what was best for me and baby. I agree that nursing several times a night doesn't seem in order for a 7 month old so I think she'd be doing herself a huge favor by seeing what she can do to change that. It seems 75% of her problems would be eliminated. I would assume lack of sex is an issue as it usually is. I bet he thinks if baby was on formula and sleeping more mom wouldn't be too tired for sex as often.

I think you are right about a lot of it. He seems to want to be able to feed the baby as he did with their last. He thinks that this baby is harder to take care of cus she's nursed and not formula fed.

How would I show that he is not the only one with these feelings in an effective and discreet way?

What ways can you get a baby to nurse less at night? Maybe she was just going through a growth spurt also. Incidentally, she didn't nurse more than twice one night the last time I talked with mom.

doula jill · 01-03-2007, 01:35 AM

Would it be possible, since the babe is 7 months, for the mom to pump the occasional bottle so the Dad can feed the baby as well? Perhaps if that is what he needs to feel close to the baby, that would work.
Jill

MothertheMother · 01-03-2007, 08:22 PM

Well, I think there are a few schools of thought regarding the night feedings. For me I just didn't offer the breast right away (though this is very hard to do when you are really tired and just want to rest!). If baby settled down right away he/she obvsiously wan't hungry...just wanted Mom. If baby settled but woke right back up he/she was probably hungry. Dr Sears discusses a lot that babies that are needy at night may not be getting enough attention during the day. For the mom this can't seem possible but maybe wearing the baby around the house some might have an effect. I didn't know about slings etc when I had mine but when they started having sleep issues I did make the effort to slow down and enjoy them more during the day. I think it made a big impact.
As for Dad...maybe someone has a suggestion on a good book for Dads. I haven't read one yet but I have heard others mention them.