Doulas who have suffered miscarriage

lisa0903 · 10-19-2007, 10:09 AM

Forgive me if this is the wrong place to post this..I really wasn't sure where to post it.
I have a question for the doula's out there who have suffered the terrible loss of miscarriage. My husband and I just went through this for the first time. I was 11w4d.
I've gone through all the regular emotions that I'm sure at some point anyone who has gone through this does..from being sad, angry, to wondering if it was something I did. Also, feeling that I am being punished for something as we just lost my mom to breast cancer in July. I know these feelings are all normal and I am just trying to cope. It is very difficult with our families about 1000 miles away. I am trying to focus on the fact that I have been blessed with a beautiful, healthy 8 month old but as you all know it is still difficult.

My question is this...If you were doing doula work when this happened, how long was it before you were okay going to another birth?

I have mixed emotions about this right now. I don't know if I just want to take some time off to heal myself emotionally or just get right back to it. I don't want to ever forget what just happened to me but I don't want it to be a barrier to my work now.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Sorry this is so lengthy.

Bex · 10-19-2007, 10:24 AM

Oh lisa, I am so sorry.

As I have not begun my family yet, I don't have any words of advice from a personally perspective, just please know that I will be thinking about you. Take your time to heal and care for yourself. I know there are others here who will be able to offer up better advice. PM me if you need to talk.

AmandaB · 10-19-2007, 11:04 AM

Lisa, I am so sorry for your losses and I can give you a little bit from my journey.

We lost your 2nd in December of 05, I was 14wks although the baby stopped growing at 7wks (we also suffered a 2nd miscarriage in July of 06). I had been contacted by women during that time and I just referred them on, as I was no where near emotionally ready. I did however had a client booked for January and I called and we talked. She totally understood if I could not be there, but once she called to tell me she was in labour, a switch flipped and I was the Doula. I am lucky to have found a bereavement support group across the park from me and I am still welcomed to come. I think as December approaches and we are still without a baby (although we do have a 5yo) I will be going to meetings as it helps. I would urge you to contact Bereaved Families in your area or even Silent Grief, it is an online bereavement group specifically for baby loss, whether through miscarriage, ectopic, medical termination, stillbirth or neonatal death.

It is important to take the time you need. Do not feel obligated to take on clients if you aren't ready. Taking on clients is a daunting task when you are emotionally fragile. So I again would urge you to seek out support and take care of yourself so that you can take care of others down the road. If you need to talk please find me, email or call, I am always available to my Doula sisters.

Sending lots of hugs, love and prayers your way....

Kacy · 10-19-2007, 11:55 AM

Lisa, I am so sorry!

If you ever need someone to talk to or you just want to get out and do something, please don't hesitate to call me.

cathy · 12-11-2007, 07:19 PM

I am so sorry for your loss.

I suffered a miscarriage nearly 10 years ago and still remember it being one of the most painful (emotionally and physically) events of my life. I was teaching childbirth classes at the time and just kept going. I even had to talk to one of my clients the same night it happened. I just tried to be professional and it didn't really bother me anymore than my loss already had. Everyone is different in their grief though.

sacredma · 12-11-2007, 09:45 PM

i had 2 miscarriages many years ago, so sorry for your loss. i was not a doula at that time, so i dont know how it would have effected me. take as much time as you need to heal.

StacyS · 12-12-2007, 01:07 AM

I've had two miscarriages, my latest was in March of this year at 13 weeks. I wasn't doing doula work then, but was very involved in violin teaching which is my everyday job. After the initial shock and recovery period, I found working to be therapeutic. Since teaching one on one is so hands on and intense, it really took my focus, and I found that I enjoyed the hours I spent not focusing on my grief.

I am in the midst of struggles with infertility, of which the miscarriage was a part. It might be unusual, but I love the doula work and find it very healing. After the birth or visit, when I have a few moments to myself, I might feel a little sad or have a more intense longing for a baby, but it also helps remind me that the process of pregnacy and birth works- there ARE wonderful outcomes. Birth work is so satisfying to me, and it gives me courage to push through all the yuck that I'm going through with infertility treatments.

I don't know how soon after I would be taking clients though- it would probably be a very personal decision that only you can make. I wish you well in the healing process. Miscarraiges are very hard, and sometimes the grief can manfest itself in many differnt ways or unexpected times. Hang in there.

CatieDoula · 12-12-2007, 11:34 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've had two miscarriages. The first was just a couple of months before my first client was due and I think she had her baby about 2 and a half months after the mc. The day of her birth was also the day I found out I was pregnant with Lydia. As odd as it sounds, sometimes I'm thankful I had the miscarriage as it enabled me to attend births as a doula which I believed helped me to birth Lydia the way she wanted to be born (frank breech). Had I not attended so many births during her pregnancy, I don't think I would have chosen to birth her vaginally and would have scheduled a cesarean. I'm still sad every now and then and that's ok too.

My second mc happened while I was actively doing doula work. I think I took a week off from doing prenatal visits and I attended births for people who had already hired me within a few weeks of the mc.

I don't think there is a set time you need to wait, just do what feels right to you. You'll know when you're ready.