Mother's Day drama....

[GentlerBirth]

It's been a long time since I've posted anything here. I've hit a bit of a crisis though, and I need a place to share and get some perspective. I am a mom of 3 beautiful small children, 5, almost 3 and 3 months. I have never had any trouble conceiving, thank the Lord. I became a doula after my second baby was one. I had been a strictly stay-at-home mom before that. I still call myself a sahm who does what I do because I stay home. Does that make sense? Anyway, not being a working mother has always been really important to me. Taking a client here and there hardly makes me a "working mother", right?

So the problem is that my sister got married 2.5 years ago and has had some fertility issues. Not anything they've attempted to remedy, just whine and complain about. I have tried to be sensitive, but because of what I do, I often tend to bring up my mamas and their births.

Mother's Day is what brought up this issue in a big way.... My sister and b-i-l, my family and my parents always get together to celebrate. This year, after going in on a gift for mom together, my sister sent me an email saying that celebrating mother's day with us would be too painful and remind her of what she is not. So NONE of us got together. She later had my parents over for dinner to celebrate Mother's Day. It became clear that it's not Mother's Day she is trying to avoid, it's me.

I confronted her on it today when she asked why I had been avoiding her. I said that if it is that painful to be around me (and only me apparently) for Mother's Day, isn't it equally as painful a reminder of her lack of motherhood to be around me and my 3 children anytime?

Her response was that I am being insensitive to her in talking (ever) about what I do, and that I'm rubbing it in her face even more by WORKING when I should be home every second of every day enjoying the children. Additionally, she noted that it is wholly inappropriate for anyone to even bring up the fact that I am a mother worthy of celebrating because it's about MOM, not me. And that in years past, when my mom has given me a Mother's Day card, she finds it ludicrous. That no one should ever be given a Mother's Day card unless it is from their child. That explains why this year I was not given a single card. Not from my parents, grandmother, not even from my husband or kids. Everyone was trying to not hurt my sister's feelings.

Is it just me? Am I wrong? I am so hurt right now. Can anyone relate/help me?

[SereneDoula]

I've nothing profound or helpful to say. I just want to let you know that my heart breaks a little for all of you. Your sister is acting in hurt and unfortunatly its hurting others. *hugs*

[DoulaKaren]

I'm sorry that your sister is in a place of hurting but that doesn't make anything she did or said any better.

[earthangel]

The saying goes "we hurt the ones we love the most." Mothering is a lifestyle, and you and your sister don't share the same lifestyle (culture), so that causes some really big communication barriers. It doesn't sound like she gets doula culture (why we do what we do) or the purpose of mother's day either. Things should heal (at least a little) in time. Sorry you are both hurting.

[Breathe Easy Doula]

I understand that she is hurt, but Mothers Day is a celebration day for ALL Mothers. Not a select few on her list. But these are the kind of situations that can help you thrive as a Doula. Just remember compassion and kindness. Good luck with your situation. s

[AMotz]

Well, I know this is just me.. but.. I would have been pissed and told her what I really thought...

That Mothers day is for Mothers, and if she doesn't want to give anyone but her Mother a card, that's fine, but not to act like I am not a Mother just because she is having issues dealing. AND not to allow me to celebrate OUR Mother by going behind my back to have dinner with them.

Then I would have gotten on to my Mom for going along with all of this.

I know that fertility issues are hard, and I know this first hand, but even people who are having fertility problems need to remember that they are not the only people hurting.

Ok, so, this wasn't really meant to be mean, I just get really upset when I hear about others acting without thinking about the implications of their actions.

[rachel316]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AMotz Well, I know this is just me.. but.. I would have been pissed and told her what I really thought... That Mothers day is for Mothers, and if she doesn't want to give anyone but her Mother a card, that's fine, but not to act like I am not a Mother just because she is having issues dealing. AND not to allow me to celebrate OUR Mother by going behind my back to have dinner with them. Then I would have gotten on to my Mom for going along with all of this. I know that fertility issues are hard, and I know this first hand, but even people who are having fertility problems need to remember that they are not the only people hurting. Ok, so, this wasn't really meant to be mean, I just get really upset when I hear about others acting without thinking about the implications of their actions.

Agreed. Sis is going to have to face facts. No one can help her without her asking for it. There is no magic wand or crystal ball for fertility problems. She has to see her physician and see what's causing her problems. Sorry... that's a little harsh. But, it's not fair of her to cast a disapproving look your way for loving your family and your job... especially if she's not doing anything but whine to solve her fertility issues. And going behind your back to spend time with your mother on Mother's day is beyond hurtful and it's also very childish. She's playing a game of her situation (and yours) and it's destructive and hurtful.

Best of luck to you in dealing with your sister. And best wishes to your sister in dealing with herself. All my best...

[momofmany]

I am SO sorry.

[GentlerBirth]

Your support to me, ladies, has been incredible. I have gotten teary reading your responses these last couple of days. I still haven't replied to my sister about her accusations. I want to do it with a proper attitude and I don't think I'm capable of conjuring one of those up yet I want to thank all of you. I can't tell you what it means to me that you all are there for me

[sumama]

Hmmm, I guess I''ll be the loner and take the side of the sister. I've never been "infertile" either but I have good friends who it has taken years to get pregnant. I know the hurt she is feeling. I know she must feel very isolated not having any children and I know that Mother's Day is an especially sad day for her.
Honestly, I wouldn't take her hurt personally. There's not really anything you can do about it except be forgiving and listen to her with an open heart and mind. She is just sad and like others have said, she's taking it out on you.
I guess I just have a different opinion.
When I got pregnant with my first daughter I didn't tell one of my best friends for months. She had been trying to get pregnant for two years by then. When I finally told her I was sobbing because I knew it was breaking her heart even though she was happy for me.

I do think your sister's requests of you (not talking about your work..etc..) is a bit excessive, but I know it's coming from hurt and sadness not from actually trying to be mean to you.

Well flame away. Just my two cents.

[MamaMichelle]

Personally, I think your sister needs to grow up before she has kids. I too was infertile for 6 years but that does not give me the right to treat someone so mean. I give cards to my mom, mother-in-law, and my grandma. These are women in my life that I celebrate because they are fabulous and make a difference in my life. I know infertility hurts. I attended several family functions during those years and I felt hurt and cried when we left after watching other family members announce their pregnancy or having their new baby there or playing with their children. I did NOT however treat them crappy. I congratulated them and rejoiced with them at these new lives, praying that I would get to feel all of it one day. When I finally did, they congratulated me and rejoiced with me! You continue to celebrate you and the mothers you serve and do not be ashamed. If everyone around you wants to walk on eggshells, I'm assuming this is not the only "eggshell issue" you have to deal with with her- she's used to it.

[katiemacmom]

I agree a bit with what everyone says. I too have been infertile, and I imagine, when I decide it's time to have another one I will likely go through infertility again, but I have been blessed once and I pray that I will be blessed again...anyhow, I can feel your sisters pain if she is hoping to have children. And as others have mentioned, you hurt the ones you love the most because you know they love you and it is safe to do this. I do think that your sister needs someone to support her and tell her that if she is going to get through this tough time, she needs to change her thinking from being angry at people, to staying focused on the fact that she likely will have a family one day and she needs to treat her family as she would like them to treat her. It can be difficult to watch the people around you get pregant. When I was trying, my teenage brother got his girlfriend pregnant acciently, and my best friend got pregnant accidently. They were trying to figure out what they were going to do, and I was crying and getting angry at them because they had what I wanted. On the other hand, even though i may have angry feelings at times, I did not blame them, or be angry to them because i kept in my head and knew it wasn't their fault. I supported them through their decisions and then went home and cried to my husband who knew how I was feeling. Your sister needs an outlet to do the same thing. when we struggle with infertility a lot of things can make us angry, but instead of blaming, she needs to stay positive and think with her head instead of living in her emotions. Maybe talk to her about what she needs and how she feels and try to stay open minded. She's frustrated at all of the blessings you have in your life. Talk to her about how you can share this with her instead of letting this get in the way of her relationship with you. that's just my opinion though.....

[GentlerBirth]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaMichelle030407 If everyone around you wants to walk on eggshells, I'm assuming this is not the only "eggshell issue" you have to deal with with her- she's used to it.

You are so right MamaMichelle.... Before this supposed infertility, it was something else, and before that, something else. She is unfortunately quite a spiteful person. She delights in hurting our family. Well, everyone actually. She has been in and out of 'treatment centers' (and even recently a psych ward) for almost 20 years (she's in her 30s). I was 10 when she entered the first one for an eating disorder, I believe. She was indoctrinated there to believe that all of her issues were the fault of wrongs done to her by her family. NO personal responsibilty needed. Blame is the name of the game.
Thank you to those who reminded me that it is probably not ME... rather it is her own issues. I just happen to be someone who feels the brunt of it.
A lot has happened with her since I first asked for help... but it's late and if I start writing it out, I'll get so stressed I won't be able to sleep
Thanks again. I appreciate your prayers and kind words.

[Cherylkind]

I suffer from infertility issues, so I do understand that pov- but I'd never behave that way! I recently had an aquantince who announced her pregnancy, and I'll admit it- I threw a private fit, and cried... but I'd never let her know I'm anything less then happy for her, and I truely am.

I hate to think that maybe her infertility is meant to be, but it sounds like this is possibly a sign for her... she doesn't sound ready for a baby at all from what you've said.

I hope your family can wake up, and that everyone starts treating you better.

[DoulaWendy]

I am sorry that your sister is going through what she is going through. I had mild infertility issues and I used to dream about enjoying every second of motherhood, much in the way she is.

However, I am really surprised that she would try to take the joy out of your Mother's Day because she is having fertility issues that are of no fault of yours. You certainly deserve to be honored on Mother's Day. Her behavior was selfish and inappropriate.

My assessment of the situation from what I have read is:

She sounds a bit attention seeking. Whenever the spotlight is off of her she has to do whatever it takes to get it back. For instance, why would an infertile couple chose not to seek medical advice for the last 2 years but still complain about their issues to others? If they truly wanted to resolve the issue they would seek help. Now if they were seeking help and still struggling I would see this completely different. However, I can only go off of what you told me and that is that they "complain and whine" without attempting to remedy it. To me this says they like the sympathy they get from others. On Mother's Day she may have truly been feeling hurt but she also felt that the spotlight was off of her and on you and she was going to take steps to make sure she was the center of attention.

I have a sister like her (not the same issue, but displays the same behavior). I can relate in many ways.

I would take this opportunity to tell her how you feel. Tell her you will help her find a doctor that specializes in infertility. Let her know that you have every right to enjoy Mother's Day and that her minimizing your special day hurt you. Tell her that the way you chose to raise your children is your business and she has no right to judge you for chosing to become a doula. Consider telling her that you will refrain from talking about your clients around her. That shows respect for her feelings.

Sorry if I rambled but I hate seeing people treat their family like that. After reading your last post I wanted to add that if your family continues to tolerate her "blame game" that it will continue. I would mention to your mom that you are going to be talking to her about the events that took place on Mother's Day and try and get her on the same page as you as far as putting an end to the attention seeking behavior at the expense of others.

((hugs))