Does anyone do anything special for their DH/DP after they return from a birth whether it be 2 hours or 24 hours? Something just for them because they respect the work you do and gladly take up the reins of "mommy" just for a bit while you go off and do something that you love.
Anything special?? Not really....just like he doesn't do anything special for me when he gets home from work to thank me for taking care of his children while he's gone.
My doula/CE money goes towards our "extras" - it takes a lot of pressure off of our budget to have me working as a doula, and has enabled us to (a) get a new car sooner than we would have otherwise (b) go on some nice vacations (c) get a new piano. So it's not like it's just a hobby or something I love to do - it's my job, just like when he goes to work it's his job.
Anything special?? Not really....just like he doesn't do anything special for me when he gets home from work to thank me for taking care of his children while he's gone.
Anything special?? Not really....just like he doesn't do anything special for me when he gets home from work to thank me for taking care of his children while he's gone.
My doula/CE money goes towards our "extras" - it takes a lot of pressure off of our budget to have me working as a doula
Nope... no one rewarded me for doing mommy duty every other day that I am not at work. I do not see why he needs a hero cookie for looking after his home and children when I am gone.
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You guys are killing me. Of course here I am lucky if I get 4 births a year so when I do get to go out for a birth it is like "me time" LOL. So if he takes on some extra duties while I am gone I try to show a little extra appreciation for letting me go - maybe his favorite dinner, a new knife or something of that nature.
You guys are killing me. Of course here I am lucky if I get 4 births a year so when I do get to go out for a birth it is like "me time" LOL. So if he takes on some extra duties while I am gone I try to show a little extra appreciation for letting me go - maybe his favorite dinner, a new knife or something of that nature.
I'm super independent, so that factors a lot into my reaction to language.
I don't let my husband go to work, it's his responsibility to contribute to our family financially, we agreed upon that when we were married. My responsibility is to contribute to our family in other ways, while our children are little it's to nurture and have the majority hand in raising them. Now that the girls are older I have more time on my hands to do the things that I like to do. Doula work is one of those.
I agree with previous posters that I don't reward my husband for being a father and husband. When he's not here, I'm his wife and a mother to his kids. That includes taking care of the home and children. When I'm gone he's a father and a husband, same deal, the kids and his home are his responsibility. When we're here together we share the responsibility in household duties and raising the children.
Now, do I use my money (or heck even *his* which is really *ours*) to buy him special gifts or something that I know he wanted but wouldn't buy himself because I love him, absolutely, but it's random and isn't related to my doing births.
And yeah, we have the dynamic that my money is mine, and his is ours. His is deposited into the bank, pays the bills (most of the time) and I use my money as I see fit, sometimes on myself or my business, sometimes on the kids, sometimes on things he wants or needs and occasionally it goes towards bills.
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Okay so I understand all that. But don't you find that a little reward goes a long way sometimes?
No. I just don't understand why he needs a reward. Especially only a few times a year.
Heck, I have me time daily. My husband does not "let" me do anything.
My money is mine, ( may shop, pay a bill, or take another course) and I do several births a month, and lots of night meetings. So often he is left to cook his own supper, and clean up after himself. No rewards for him....other than he has a wife who is happily working at something she loves. Thats reward enough for him.
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Okay so I understand all that. But don't you find that a little reward goes a long way sometimes?
Reward for what though?
No, I won't reward my husband for parenting his children and caring for his home while his wife is working.
Do I do nice things for him from time to time, sure, but I'd do that regardless of if I was doing births or not. To me rewarding him after I came home from a birth would feel like i was bribing him to work again or to work in the first place. My feelings about being subservient to men won't let me do that, under any circumstances. Been there done that in a past relationship, won't go there again.
The one thing that did used to bother me is that his way of re-connecting after I'd been gone was to want to have sex. After a birth I have NO desire to have sex, N O N E. It took a while for him to understand, but he's ok with that now. When I come home I just want to sit or sleep and not have to worry about trying to work up the energy to be intimate in that way. Snuggle with me in bed, feed me, rub my back, and we're good.
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hmmm.....well if I am coming home in the am I will pick him up something along with Munchkins for the girls. It's more like I am rewarding the girls for surviving without me, and he benefits too I guess.
I see what you're getting at, but I think what most of the doulas/wives above are saying is that most of them take care of his home and family, and that's a reward for most men. Being grateful for the work THEY do is a big deal to men, they appreciate our sacrifices for our families. I know my husband just likes it when I do normal house things (I'm still working full time so it's normally a shared load right now) like take care of fixing him some breakfast, putting together lunches, and fixing dinner. Men usually feel thanked and loved when you do simple things, even though most of us don't think of it as anything special, they feel good about it. I mean, if I were a working man, providing and earning for my family, being a husband and father, I think I would get a great deal of satisfaction out of coming home to my wife orchestrating things around the home, giving me a hug and a kiss and asking me about my day, does that make sense? Everyone does their part. So it goes with the doula work. My DH isn't on board, it bugs him when I attend a birth, but then again, he's not used to it yet, and I still work full time, so attending a birth for me usually means taking a vacation or sick day from my "real job," and the on call lifestyle is new to him.
I can see what you mean -- I am the primary caretaker of the kids, and I consider that a job just like my doula work, so even though he is fully capable of doing it, it is outside the normal scope of his role as dad and husband. It's like, if I covered for him at his work, I wouldn't mind a sincere thanks but also wouldn't expect a gift or gesture. Also, when I am at a birth, he does have to juggle his income-procuring job and the duties of family life, whereas when I am earning money as a doula, I'm not expected to juggle responsibilities.
Having said all that -- no, I don't give him a reward other than a sincere thanks for being so supportive of me as I do the only paid work I've ever really loved!
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