Feels like he pretends to support me...

Garden Doula · 10-26-2008, 08:07 PM

Publically, I mean. He's the great DH who stops working to watch the kids so I can go a to birth... comes to pick me up with a smile and is charming to my clients about how great I am... He's even teared up when telling me how proud he is.

But, then...

If I've missed a night's sleep, I am still totally expected to keep on going. And I do for them ost part because I don't want him to miss too much work and I want things to be normal for the girls... but when the weekend comes, I would think he'd offer me some time to rest by doing chores, allowing me to sleep in a bit or nap.

He does... if I ask. And then the response is hesitant, almost as though he had other plans or whatever. Like tonight, when the girls went into the tub. Normally I'd be in there with them, but I assumed he would. He had to carry a poopy diaper downstairs and said, just hang out near the bathroom until I come up... or you could just do their bath... And I said Okay... without much enthusiasm because I wanted to lay down for two minutes. And was lke, Whats that about? He refused to explain...

I'm just so done with this... expecting some help or at least for him to give me a little breathing room and not ask me to do everything the few days after I've been up all night. So I changed my website to say that I'm not taking any new clients... I've got 1-2 a month through Feb and that should be fine. But I just don't think he's up for supporting me like I need it. And that make me sad.

Should I bother to tell him? I know he's going to make it that this is all in my head and OF COURSE he supports me, doesn't he tell me how proud he is ALL THE TIME? And am I totally forgetting that he's dropped everything to watch the girls twice in the last month? So I'm not even sure I want to bother telling him. I'm just sad because this is my dream and I was so happy to start doing it.

Sad tonight

And its so dissappointing after such an AWESOME birth on Thursday that got my name in good with a local m/w practice.

1stimestar · 10-26-2008, 10:05 PM

Of course you should tell him. Tell him you need more then lip service. You need him to put his money where his mouth is so to speak. It does take at least a day to recover. And please, don't ASK to take a nap. Just tell him you are going to catch up on your sleep and go lay down. He'll get the hint that he needs to watch the kids without you having to ask for permission. He is not your father. Good luck.

doulagirl · 10-26-2008, 10:15 PM

Awww, I'm so sad for you sister...I know exactly how you feel. My DH does the same thing. Sometimes I think he only wants to support me when it's convienent for him or it makes him look good to others. And at the end of the day I've done EVERYTHING to take care of the house, kids, even the yardwork, and he wonders why I'm too tired to hop in bed and have 2 or more hours of sex with him!! Because he's been sitting in front of the computer all day and is all rested up!

I'm sorry you feel that way...I have found that the only one who will give me a break is ME! So, don't ask for a nap, just say "honey, I'm sooo tired, I'm going to lay down for a while"

and then be sure to put in your earplugs!!

~Cindy

doula Michele · 10-26-2008, 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doulagirl

Awww, I'm so sad for you sister...I know exactly how you feel. My DH does the same thing. Sometimes I think he only wants to support me when it's convienent for him or it makes him look good to others. And at the end of the day I've done EVERYTHING to take care of the house, kids, even the yardwork, and he wonders why I'm too tired to hop in bed and have 2 or more hours of sex with him!! Because he's been sitting in front of the computer all day and is all rested up!

I'm sorry you feel that way...I have found that the only one who will give me a break is ME! So, don't ask for a nap, just say "honey, I'm sooo tired, I'm going to lay down for a while"

and then be sure to put in your earplugs!!

~Cindy

OT...but 2 or more hours of sex!!????
WOW. My poor hubby is lucky to get 10 miinutes.

back to topic now.....

I have no words of help or advice. Other than tell him what you expect from him, and since you are a financially contributing member of the family, you deserve rest after working all night. So grab you jammies and head off to bed.

DoulaKaren · 10-26-2008, 10:34 PM

I'm sorry he's not being supportive! I agree with the gist of what the others say -- If it were me (and it sometimes is, in this situation), I'd lay it out and say, if I am up all night with a birth, I need you to pick up the slack in some ways so I can get back to normal more quickly. Here are some examples of a few things I'd like for you handle -- dinner, pick up the kids from school, take out the trash, do the dishes, feed the cat. Which of those things can I count on you to do? Vanessa, I know you work hard and you have put a lot into growing your business in creative and new ways and if your DH is like mine, I'd hate to see your work be put on hold due to nothing more than the general male ability of not realizing HE might want take out the trash even though they just stacked garbage on the counter because the can was full (for instance... just a totally fictional example

).

b'earth angel · 10-26-2008, 10:55 PM

I agree that you should tell him. If it were me, I'd wait until I was 'cooled off' a bit, since my hubby doesn't do well with an irate wife...

I'd tell him that you do appreciate his affirmation, help while your at the birth, etc. But what you really need is a little help once you get home. Make the list like Karen suggested on things he could do to help out, etc.

It is hard to balance it all. And a supportive spouse makes all the difference in the world. Hope things smooth out for you real soon.

FLLucinda · 10-26-2008, 11:09 PM

There is not much more I can add here except to say that I agree with the other posters. Tell him what you need from him...men seem to have to be hit with a brick to understand what is expected of them.

I hope this all works out for you...I'd hate to see you give up your dream!

doula Michele · 10-27-2008, 09:07 AM

Also men just do not get it..they just don't see things.

It irritates me to have dirty dishes on the counter. I will walk in from a birth and there will be dishes all over the counter. I have learned to just ignore it and go to bed.
Some things are not worth fighting over.
If the kids don't get a bath....whatever. (well not my kids, they bath themselves in their own houses).
I know that my husband is extremly busy with work, and he never cleans up, and somehow it just never occurs to him that if I am not there to do it, it doesn't get done.
But whatever..I will just take some of his money and go buy myself something nice to make up for the fact. Then its not quite as irritating. :-)

dorothyh · 10-27-2008, 10:07 AM

I would talk to him - it is very likely that he is just clueless and not thinking/realizing that just because you're home, it doesn't mean it's Business As Usual.

I would wait until you are better rested and just have a conversation with him, as mentioned above. I would start out by thanking him for what he does do to make your doula dream a reality - let him know how much you appreciate his support and how much easier it makes it for you that you know he will take off to take care of the girls.

Then let him know that you also need support after the birth, especially if you were up all night or at a long birth. And be specific about what you want him to do to support you. And because you already acknowledged his support, he is less likely to get defensive.

If I had a long birth on Thursday and dragged though Friday, I would let my dh know on Saturday that as an FYI that I have not caught up on sleep from the birth, I am still incredibly sleep deprived, and I am going to need his help today by....and thenI would list specific things.

FLLucinda · 10-27-2008, 10:37 AM

You crack me up Michele.

Quote:

Originally Posted by doula Michele

Also men just do not get it..they just don't see things.

It irritates me to have dirty dishes on the counter. I will walk in from a birth and there will be dishes all over the counter. I have learned to just ignore it and go to bed.
Some things are not worth fighting over.
If the kids don't get a bath....whatever. (well not my kids, they bath themselves in their own houses).
I know that my husband is extremly busy with work, and he never cleans up, and somehow it just never occurs to him that if I am not there to do it, it doesn't get done.
But whatever..I will just take some of his money and go buy myself something nice to make up for the fact. Then its not quite as irritating. :-)

Garden Doula · 10-27-2008, 05:27 PM

So I typed a response and the internet ate it! grrrr...

Thank you for the wisdom. We had another talk... hope this one takes! I'm going to leave my website as is for a while and get some births out of the wya...

doula Michele · 10-27-2008, 05:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FLLucinda

You crack me up Michele.

Yeah, well thats what happens when you have been married forever... you stop fighting, and just get even in your own little way. I am happy, he is happy and every one wins.

MamaAshley · 10-27-2008, 09:44 PM

Well, you should be happy he supports you like he does, my hubby doesn't even want me to "work" at all, he doesn't get that I WANT to work. He supports me, but still asks why I take on clients and don't just "stay at home and enjoy the kids while they are young." My moto is be open and honest, tell him you need more time to rest, and if he doesn't help then hire a babysitter and let him foot the bill....just an idea...ok, I did this, lol.

doula Michele · 10-28-2008, 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaAshley

Well, you should be happy he supports you like he does, my hubby doesn't even want me to "work" at all, he doesn't get that I WANT to work. He supports me, but still asks why I take on clients and don't just "stay at home and enjoy the kids while they are young." My moto is be open and honest, tell him you need more time to rest, and if he doesn't help then hire a babysitter and let him foot the bill....just an idea...ok, I did this, lol.

Lucky.... If life were MY way, I would never work. And not feel guilty about not working either. :-)

heart2heartbirthmatters · 10-28-2008, 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doulagirl

Awww, I'm so sad for you sister...I know exactly how you feel. My DH does the same thing. Sometimes I think he only wants to support me when it's convienent for him or it makes him look good to others. And at the end of the day I've done EVERYTHING to take care of the house, kids, even the yardwork, and he wonders why I'm too tired to hop in bed and have 2 or more hours of sex with him!! Because he's been sitting in front of the computer all day and is all rested up!

Wow, girl 2 HOURS of sex?...you got stamina!!! Way to go!