Silly husband

mommy_quigg · 12-16-2008, 12:11 AM

He asked, "Why do we need a midwife? Why not just have a doula?" I patiently explained yet again that they're not the same and doulas do not deliver babies. He said, "I know, but it doesn't seem like the midwife does much anyways so what's the point." We've seen her ONCE for an introductory session. I think I need to talk to him more about how wonderful midwives are, I've talked so much about doulas and very little about midwives that his perception might be skewed.

I'm not sure if this is even in the right section, but wanted to share it with my fellow doulas. I'm not sure what he wants - an "unassisted" birth with just a doula? From a man who previously refused to even consider a homebirth? He agrees wholeheartedly that the midwife is much better than my family doctor. But then suggests we don't need her. Who knows what the man is thinking. It's late at night, I give up...

1stimestar · 12-16-2008, 02:28 AM

Just remind him that in most cases you wouldn't NEED a midwife. She does provide a comfort that you get from knowing everyone is safe and he would be really glad she is there if something goes unplanned.

gentlebeginnings · 12-16-2008, 10:13 AM

I think I would just talk to the dad more and ask exactly what it is he(should be both including the mamma) want. I think I would try to talk to mamma alone if possible to see what she really wants. Hopefully with some good communication, you can better understand how you can help and the type of birth they are hoping for.

Comfy · 12-16-2008, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gentlebeginnings

I think I would just talk to the dad more and ask exactly what it is he(should be both including the mamma) want. I think I would try to talk to mamma alone if possible to see what she really wants. Hopefully with some good communication, you can better understand how you can help and the type of birth they are hoping for.

I think mommy quig IS the Mama ? Correct?

It's OK..... sometimes, men aren't clued in...... I mean I think mine only listens to half of what I say. When the time comes, he will be very happy that the midwife is there! LOL

DoulaMegz · 12-16-2008, 12:42 PM

Haha, men can be a little dense. When I told my DH I wanted to hire a doula he said "Why do you need a doula...you ARE a doula!" So I explained to him that I will be too busy birthin' to be doulaing myself. To which he replied, "then I'll be your doula!"

mommy_quigg · 12-16-2008, 06:37 PM

Yes, I'm the mama lol
Megz, he asked the same thing - why I needed a doula. I think I said something about L&D doctors/nurses giving birth still need other doctors/nurses/midwives to help them.

He said again today that he does not want a homebirth. So I guess he thinks we can birth in the hospital with just us and the medical staff standing by (but not involved) just in case lol. Yeah, right...

Georganne, thanks. You worded that very well.

heart2heartbirthmatters · 12-17-2008, 08:05 AM

(this is in response to the....we can't just have a birth in the hospital with everybody in the corner comment)

Actually, you could, if you had the right care provider....or if you suggested you'd like quiet & no interruptions and then you just didn't CALL them when the time came....might be easier than...."don't do this, don't do that, I want this, I want that....instead....well.....look!!! here's the baby....she's fine....move us to postpartum now....." snicker, snicker...

mommy_quigg · 12-17-2008, 02:28 PM

I can't see that happening. The nurses are so diligent and constantly tracking everyone's progress.
I do not want to spend my labour on the defensive and just trying to ward off everyone. If I can't get my homebirth, I'm hoping that at least having a midwife will help prevent some of that. I won't take my chances with the on-call OBs. I'll hide in the bathroom and birth the baby by myself before I'll allow some male stranger access to intimate parts of my body.

mommy_quigg · 12-17-2008, 02:33 PM

I can't see that happening. The nurses are so diligent and constantly tracking everyone's progress.
I do not want to spend my labour on the defensive and just trying to ward off everyone. If I can't get my homebirth, I'm hoping that at least having a midwife will help prevent some of that. I won't take my chances with the on-call OBs. I'll hide in the bathroom and birth the baby by myself before I'll allow some male stranger access to intimate parts of my body.

Comfy · 12-17-2008, 07:40 PM

My daughter had a hospital birth with midwives in September. It felt a lot like a homebirth, because we were at the end of the hall, the hospital was very quiet, and not busy. The tub room was next door, and her DH and I were with her, until the very end. The midwife stayed quietly charting at a table, and left us to our own devices. Stage 2 and 3 only lasted about 20 minutes! That was it. It was great. Not once did we see or interact with the medical staff.

JessicaE · 12-19-2008, 10:14 AM

Aside from the home vs. hospital discussion... As to why you need a midwife, it might help him to think about it in the terms that Dr. Robert Bradley described -- the midwife/doctor as a lifeguard. There mostly to watch over things, but to recognize trouble and intercede if necessary. Those are my feelings about unassisted birth -- that birth goes exactly as it should 95% of the time (if truly undisturbed), but in those 5% of cases, you really want that lifeguard there to recognize true complications and know how to handle them. The lifeguard analogy has helped me explain this concept to lots of folks, along with the idea of having a hands-off provider.

mommy_quigg · 12-19-2008, 10:42 PM

Mona - thanks for sharing that! That sounds perfect. The midwife did say that I won't have nurses or doctors in there at all unless the 2nd midwife couldn't make it on time then they would grab a nurse to assist or if they needed to transfer care to a doctor.

Jessica - I had forgotten that! I loved that analogy of the lifeguard. I will tell him that.

Thanks ladies!