First prenatal visit!

[fearlessbirth]

So, as some back ground, I am working towards my DONA certification. I do not have my packet yet (only because I can't afford it right now) but have read all of the books, know where to take the class(es) and have my first birth for certification all lined up (which, I know, I have to order the packet BEFORE the birth) Anywho....the woman is also a friend of mine and while she's really looking forward to an all natural homebirth, she still doesn't quite know a whole lot about childbirth or how midwives at home are much different from doctors in the hospital, etc. I have been doing research for her and we have our first meeting Tuesday with a local midwife. I just feel so excited that my dreams of helping a woman create HER birth experience are starting to come true. (mind you, I am doing far more for her than I would for a regular client since a) she's a friend and b) this is my first 'client' so I'm so hopped up on excitement I can barely control myself!) I have some handouts for her as well and later in her pregnancy (she's only 16 wks right now) I will attend La Leche League meetings with her. I feel like it's a huge learning experience for both of us. Her with her first baby, first doula, first midwife...me with my first client, first birth (that I'll be doula-ing)...

I guess I don't really have any questions, I just wanted to share my excitement with the group...thanks for listening!

that is so awesome. good luck on your exciting journey!

[tlcdoula]

Please be very careful with doing the research for her because then it isn't her birth, but instead turns into what you want her birth to be like. I know you aren't trying to do that, but it can happen very easy. Especially since with any research you can find research that is supportive in both directions and depending on which position you present to her that is the knowledge she will gain.

In all honesty I think it is more powerful for a mother to do her own research and to become educated herself so that it is her birth and can empower her.

I know you said you are doing more because she is a friend, but please be very careful because if anything goes wrong remember it will be you that is blamed - that goes along with if anything doesn't go how she wants it to.

[raspberrymoondoula]

i like to give mothers resources to do their own research, pass on a few articles i've collected, and let them read what they choose. i thinkt hey're much more likely to beleive research they find on their own.

[tlcdoula]

Quote:

Originally Posted by raspberrymoondoula i like to give mothers resources to do their own research, pass on a few articles i've collected, and let them read what they choose. i thinkt hey're much more likely to beleive research they find on their own.

That is what I do too. It gives them much more control and responsibility over their birth and their body.

[fearlessbirth]

Thank you for the feedback! When I said 'research', I guess what I meant was I have been calling about CBE courses, setting up appointments for her/us....being like a secretary, I guess. Her brain has been 'foggy' she says since she's been pregnant. As far as the birth itself or pregnancy, I've given her books and articles to read and suggested she make a list of questions for the midwife (that way, they are HER questions and HER meeting not mine...because it was sort of turning into MY meeting on behalf of the mother and that's not what needed to happen).

[tlcdoula]

Honestly I still see this as "her" responsibility. She needs to empower herself by calling about classes and getting herself into the class. You aren't her partner or her mother and therefore it is her responsibility.

Please don't think I am trying to be hard on you, because I understand that as a friend you want to help her and as a doula you have a very caring nature, but as an experienced doula I would say that these are all things she needs to do on her own. Parenting truly begins right at conception because once conceived (sometimes even before) the decisions a person makes all form and mould them into the parent they are going to be. If she is saying her head is foggy and asking you to help like this she may end up being the type of parent that later calls and says she is overwhelmed being a new mother please come and help her out. Later she will also continue this path. As a new pregnant parent she needs to start accepting responsibility - foggy or not.

I have seen this before - heck I had a good friend who did this to me. I helped her out tons when she was pregnant with her third child because she made excuses of being too tired, too this, and too that. Once the baby came she knew I did daycare and whined about this and that and how she had to work. Again I helped her out. The one shot helping her out during pregnancy ended up with me being the one to care for her child for free for five days a week for six months straight. Finally after six months I had to force her to do it herself by telling her I wasn't watching her child any longer. It was the hardest thing I ever did. She learned to lean on me too much with her excuses and my caring nature. It almost killed our friendship and when she had her next baby you can be darned sure I only pointed her in the direction and forced her to parent right from the very beginning of her pregnancy.

In your case I would gather the names and numbers of childbirth educators, but it is her responsibility to call them.

Also why are you meeting with her and the midwife? Again this is something she needs to do on her own as a new parent. I think this is especially important if it is her first meeting. Typically you wouldn't meet them if it is a hospital birth and with a homebirth many times the midwife will gather everyone together for a meeting towards the end of the pregnancy. I have to admit I have never met a doctor or hospital midwife before the birth, and the homebirth I did I met the midwife towards the end of the pregnancy on a day when she requested that all who are attending the birth come.

I know you are excited and can't blame you, but please take a step back and allow her to start parenting right now. After all every decision she makes from this point forward will teach her parenting skills and will form who she is becoming. You will be giving her the best gift ever by stepping back.

[susan1]

I hope know minds me jumping in. However I was doing the same thing to my clients. I did everything but have the baby. I made phone calls for them, call them all the time to see how they were doing ...instead of them calling me. However I know what you mean. I was so excited having a client that I over did it. So the question is when is a doula doing to much for a client?


P.S. I love these smiles face ...there great!


Susan

[susan1]

OPPS! I hope know ones minds...

[tlcdoula]

I think a doula is doing too much when you are doing things that the parent should be doing themselves.

One thing you can do is start thinking about your business - what services will you provide to EVERY client? Also think realistically about that. What can you do for EVERY client? Write that down and create a plan for how you will run your business. If someone asks you for more than that then you might consider charging more for it.

So for example, I have on free interview with the mama as long as she comes to my office. If she doesn't then I will charge her for that meeting - some will say this is wrong, but I have been to more "scary" houses than I care to think about. My office is safe and is a good meeting place. I will then meet with families two more times and am now going to move those to my office, and then will come to their home once if they are going to labor at home. I have a set curriculum that I go over with them prenatally, but will also answer questions they have. I have handouts on tons of stuff I have checked into when I started setting up my business, so that I have them and do not have to research for anyone. Even on topics that I do not teach about I have handouts just in case that topic comes up. I then also attend the labor and birth, go see them the day after and then once in the postpartum period in their home.

So I have a set plan on what I do with each client, and if someone asks me to go beyond that I might on a case by case basis, but many times will tell them that isn't part of my services. If it is something in the postpartum period I will then offer my postpartum doula services. If it is something prenatally which would incorporate childbirth education then I offer my childbirth education services, etc.

As a doula you are in a caring profession and therefore you need to be careful so that you aren't taken advantage of and aren't hurting yourself and your family. I know in the past I was taken advantage of so much and it did hurt my family. I had people calling me begging me to come over in the middle of the night to bring them formula, diapers - people who wanted me to go with them to the doctor when she was found to have an STD, then wanting me to go with her to have her warts frozen off, and then wanting me to attend her after care appointment. Although those appointments kind of might fall under some doulas scope they do not fall under mine. I set a price for what I offer and what exactly it is that I do offer and that is it. If they want more than that I might consider it, but they also might be charged for it.

Ladies please do not sell yourself short. Do not allow people to take advantage of you just because you are excited. Set what you do, set your rules and do not bed. You do not want to be taken advantage of, because you will burn out and your family will resent you later on.

[~Tranquility~Doula]

I agree with Michelle. You can be easilly taken advantage of if you are showing these women that you will do everything for them. And I agree that these women have to take some responsibility for themselves and do things on their own. You can supply the resources and let them do the work.
I had one client that I did a free birth for take advantage of me and then some. I finally had to draw the line on things that I felt comfortable doing for this women that I barely knew and didn't ever thank me.
We are all very caring people, this is obvious or we would not be in this profession. It is easy to get caught up in the excitement at beginning of your doula career because we want to be helpful to these women but we have to draw a line somewhere to protect ourselves.

[Tiffany]

That's what this board is all about. A good discussion with differing opinions is healthy for us all. It's funny because in our line of work--we happen to mostly be VERY passionate people and feel very strongly about things. You ladies are very good at giving your opinions with respect. Just wanted to pop in here and say that.

[Kim Trower]

oh I totally agree with Michelle...although I haven't been taken advantage as much as I have seen other doulas I have had my share with clients where I put so much into it, or traded and not been clear on what is acceptable to me, etc and felt it wasn't a fair deal. It is hard though because this isn't a cut and dry job in my opinion..it is a job where we get very close emotionally and in intimate situations with these people. We did not choose to be doulas because we are cold people...we are passionate about what we do and passionate about our clients so it is sometimes hard to set those limits or speak up for ourselves if something doesn't seem okay...and sometimes even after other doulas tell us we still don't speak up and set boundaries until we get pushed to our limits. Sometimes you just have to live and learn, ya know.

[fearlessbirth]

Thank you all very much for your feedback. I guess I don't really have much else to say but I did want to clarify and state once again that this woman is also a friend of mine so that sort of makes the doula/friend line a little fuzzy. I can appreciate what you are saying about being taken advantage of and if one can't 'handle' tasks now, what about after the baby is born? That is something to consider. I suppose I should be a little more reserved about how much I put myself out there. One more thing, (just to clear up why I am going with her to meet with the midwife), she doesn't want to go alone and I offered to go with her because I thought it was the nice thing to do. AND I suppose because she's told me what sort of birth experience she wants but where we live your options seem limited to this doctor at this hospital unless you know someone who knows of a midwife/doula, etc. I did suggest she make a list of questions SHE has for the midwife so that it is THEIR meeting and I am just there for support. I guess I don't really need to justify why I am doing any of it, but I just wanted to make it clear that I am just trying to be there for her, not make it as I think it should be.