Stepping out of the equation

[newbirth]

I think this is predominately a newbie problem, so I'm looking for those with lots of experience to share a few tips.

With my current client, I have found myself discussing far too much about my own experiences and I really need to figure out how to set that aside and help clients find their own paths. I don't think this particular client minds, but that's not the point. I mean, it has evolved because she does ask me about my births ...

For example, her maternal history has a tendency to PPD, and we discussed how that could have been impacted by her mom having cesareans that she really didn't want (but apparently they were for cause). But I also explained how when we feel like WE made the decisions, even if they weren't according to our desires, we can still feel good about the birth experience. As an example I talked about the planned home birth of my son which ended up in a hospital transport....but because I was in charge of the decision making, even in the hospital, I still felt positive about the birth.

....

And then she has been having a hard time deciding about whether to circumcize or not. I shared info on both sides, and she still seemed ambivalent and confused. Since I have made both decisions, I shared my reasoning for either, and that currently I feel that my son's bodies belong to them and they can choose to circ later if they like.

The latter conversation kinda makes me more concerned than the former, because I don't feel it is my place to guide them toward any particular decision. Yet, I want to feel like I've done my part to share information.

So my question is, how do you do that without becoming an active participant in their decision making?

[Kim Trower]

You try and stick to the facts. For example, the circumcision question. Definitely give her the pros and cons but without interjecting your opinon in there. THe only time I ever do this is if mom says something and we are totally on the same page..if I don't know what her opinion is yet and she asks me "What did you do?" I usually say, it doesn't matter what I did because this is your birth, or your choice, and you have to do what feels right to you and your family...then might go into a little speil about how parents always size up other families and may even get comments from well meaning friends, family, or even unsolicited advice from strangers. It seems like everyone has something to say to you on how you should do something but to remember that Families are Individual..there no 2 alike and that you have to live with your choices so research them throughly and stand by them and make the ones that feel good to you.

If they really really want to know how my homebirth was, or how did breastfeeding go,etc. I might share some tidbits that would be empowering to them but again try and keep it brief and then turn it back around on them.
Like maybe they are on the fence about home/hosp..and they want to know what I did. I will share that I was with OB care until 8 months and then changed after taking the tour of the hospital and feeling like I was going to have to fight for everything I wanted. Because I felt safe with the homebirth option it felt great when my husband and I finally came to that decision. I will also add that if you choose homebirth at of your fear to fight or what might happen in the hospital but you are very scared of homebirth as well then it won't really be a good choice as you HAVE to FEEL SAFE in your birthing environment.

Wow..that got long..hope it helps though.

[tlcdoula]

If they ask my opinion or what I have done I simply explain that my decisions do not impact theirs but that I am there to support them in what they decide. If they aren't sure about something I might send them to a website or book that will discuss more the pros and cons - this keeps me out of the equation.