Getting a father more involved

1stimestar · 08-23-2006, 10:54 PM

Heh, that is my husband. BUT, having doulas there gave him the freedom to come and go as he needed without leaving me unsupported. I think he was actually more involved as he knew he was not "stuck" in the labor room (well, house since it was a homebirth). Encourage him to participate at the level he is comfortable with and you may be surprised. Good luck.

MsDoula · 08-23-2006, 11:14 PM

He sounds like giving him a 'job' would be perfect. Perhaps having him get mom snacks and juice, rubbing her back when he feels comfortable. I imagine once labor gets started he will be more involved than he thinks. He can also be at her head during the actual birth. He doesn't even have to look at the baby emerging but can look at her face, particularly in her eyes. That way, if he chose to turn and see the baby come out (from her head's view) then he could but if not he can be there for her to see eye to eye.

AussieDoula · 08-23-2006, 11:25 PM

It's normal for some Dads to feel scared or unsure about their role in labour.
Some things that have worked for a squeamish father for me are:

Getting him to massage mama's back/shoulders (making sure he listens to mama's cues - I use specific massaging techniques that allow you to focus during contractions and alleviate pain so I teach partner's how to do this type of massage and we can swap out).
Keep him up by mama's head, and let her use him to focus with eye contact and encouraging words. Let him apply cool compresses if she wants them.
Have him do constructive things to keep his mind and self occupied (getting mama ice-chips or something to eat, deliberately giving him a deflated birth ball that he can pump up, etc).
Let him take breaks when he needs them, and make sure he knows it's okay to have those feelings.

Has he read many books about labour and birth? It sounds like he is stuck on negative images of the time between transition and the end of the second stage. Reading positive birth stories about empowered mamas may help in the same ways that it does some women, by preparing them with positive associations to the birthing process.
Do you have any pictures or videos of smiling labouring mamas that you can show them both? "Natural" childbirth is often not the screaming, chaotic event that is usually portrayed, but may be the only images he has been exposed to.
Ask him what his fears and concerns are specifically, and address them as a birthing unit. It's okay if he doesn't want to be actively involved in the birthing process, mama has to understand and respect his wishes just as hers are.
I hope they can find a comfortable compromise and he finds out he is the perfect "Doula" for his wife.

tlcdoula · 08-23-2006, 11:33 PM

You never know what can happen. What I would do is encourage him to be involved during prenatals, but don't push him too hard.

My number one question to mom is how comfortable she is with what dad is proposing. If she is very comfy then I wouldn't push too hard, and if she wants him involved just try.

Remember this is new territory for both of them and sometimes it can be very hard for dads to see moms in labor and then sometimes they really come through. I had a client who the dad didn't want to be involved at all and in the end he was so wonderful, supportive and really came through for that mama.

Ceci · 08-23-2006, 11:36 PM

Ceci · 08-28-2006, 11:24 PM

mothermedoula · 08-29-2006, 10:23 AM

I think the father needs some education. Maybe all he knows of birth are horror stories and TV (yuck).
Maybe if you haven't already maybe go through the birth process and stages. Maybe educating him with a good not so bloody video. I like Birth Day or the 6 minute video they have at lamaze.org.
Just some suggestions.
Good Luck.
Liz