Preparing dad for being snapped at or ignored.

[DoulaWendy]

This is actually for me but I thought it would be a great discussion topic.

My last birth was medicated so my husband didn't have to do much. This time around we are planning a home birth and I am trying to prepare him for the reality of how things will go.

One thing I am trying to explain to him is that I may communicate in one word requests or orders. They may be loud or soft. I may ignore him for a minute while I work up a reply to a question or I may use hand signals to tell him to stop touching me. When I demonstrated for him what it might look like he told me that would hurt his feelings because it seems rude. He said "Why can't you just tell me what you need?" That is a great question for a dad since they have never experienced something so intense or requiring so much work and focus. Do you have any good suggestions on how to explain to dad why he shouldn't be offended or hurt by shortness or snapping from mom? Analogies are good as well.

I am going to keep working on preparing my family for our home birth. I want everyone to feel comfortable with their roles, especially the hubby.

Thanks!

[sunshine]

i remind dads that "politeness" takes more energy than "more" "stop" - hand gestures. it's not about communication skills or how much she loves her partner it's just about her focusing all of her attn. on her labor. if she can stay focused w/o distractions, she will feel less pain and have fewer complications. i have couples practice a little, so he can get used to her "barking" at him, ignoring his questions, etc. i tell them lots of funny things moms have said to me, and model how completely not offended i am, that this behavior is normal for a woman in labor and to be expected.

i ask moms to remind dads frequently how imp they are, how simply their presence alleviates stress and pain for them, how much they know their partner will do a great job. i ask them to spend extra time together, to get lots of oxytocin going because it's good for everyone.

good luck!

[novadoula]

I think a key is the fact that labor is a right brained activity and preparing a response or even formulating words is a left brained activity. Anything that takes mom into her thinking analytical brain is not so helpful for the labor process.

[AngelsMum]

I always go through the physiology of birth too. The role of the hormones and the behaviours to expect. I particularly stress the primal aspects of birth and that letting go of inhibitions & "going internal" allows the woman to access all those hormones. When people interact (and expect social niceties), the woman is switching from her primal brain to her rational mind, which can slow down the labour/decrease the level of the hormones. I say that when I see & hear a woman letting go of all those social facades (eg. taking off clothes; being short with people etc etc) I see them as positive as I know that the hormones are getting to the levels they need to be.

I also suggest when they watch various birth DVD's, YouTube clips to notice the behaviours we've spoken about. At a workshop I did, I have a 5min YouTube clip that summed up beautifully some of those points.

[Comfy]

This is something we cover in our "Dad" workshop. Our doula group runs a workshop a couple of times a year. It is for couples, but we really focus on Dad. It's called "What's a Father to Do? Getting Dads ready for labour , birth and post partum". We tell Dads they may have to grow a tough outer hide, and not to be hurt or offended by things their labouring partner may say or do. We call it the "Encyclopedia Salesman Hide" LOL..... We try and bring a little humour into the workshop while getting some important points across.

Wendy, If your last labour was very medicated your husband may be frightened or worried to see you labouring and feel helpless. A natural birth is much more intense than a medicated one. I think intense is the right word. I have doulaed couples who had this exact scenario. The Dads were surprised and caught a little off guard that the labours were quite different. I think it is great that you two are communicating about this NOW . You are preparing him, and that is good.

And afterwards, if you need to apologise, I am sure he will understand.

[Flavia]

I am hoping that once he sees how labor progresses and the concentration it takes for you to manage he will understand you really won't have time/energy to be polite about things.
I do remember hitting the nurse because she wouldn't pay attention to hip pain , and yes, being rude.
But all is forgiven in the euphoria of when the baby is born .
You are wise to try to educate him but there is nothing like first hand experience to open his eyes to why you might have to use hand signals or one word commands. Best wishes
Flavia

[medicinehatdoula]

Do you have a copy of Penny Simkin's 3R's DVD? I find when dad's watch it (or parts of it) it really helps them to realize just how much concentration it takes and how to be an "effective" support person. Butter doesn't melt in a laboring woman's mouth - she needs to do what she needs to do in those intense moments and nothing should be taken personally. I always tell my dad's that in labor, especially a non-medicated labor, they'll meet their partner's "right side" personality and it can be VERY different from their "left side" one!

[golden pregnancy]

...or, another way to say the same thing is women in labor enter an altered state and while in that state, communication becomes very primal.
Great suggestions, Ladies!

[doula Michele]

I guess thats why I am not a huge fan of men being the support people. I just dont think they get it. Lets get back to the days when the men stayed in the barn! :-)

What is your hubby normally like? I try to explain that to couples. A man probably wont change just because you are in labour. If he is normally very intune with you, then he will probably be the same in labour.
If he is not good with dealing with you and your moods, then he probably wont all of a sudden change in to Mr. Sensitive.

[Doula Janeya]

I'm sorry, I wasn't going to say anything, but am I the only one that thinks Dads need to "suck it up"? To start with I find most Dad's have been conditioned by the media to believe their wives are going to scream and swear and freak out at them anyway. But to any guy who says he wants his wife to be polite to him while she's in labour I am very tempted to say "fine you come over here and I'll put your balls in a vice and we'll see how polite you are to me"
End of rant.

[DoulaYvonne]

I think this is a great point Michele. It's not that a DH or SO is bad or good, it's just how they are wired. It has nothing to do with how much he may love you, just what his personality is.
He may need to be given other roles during the birthing process. Will you be having another support person there with you?

[doula Michele]

Its something I learned in Disaster Service training.... people don't change in an emergency.
So after watching labouring couples I pretty much came to the same conclusion. Men dont change during labour.

[1stimestar]

Tell him to pick up your refridgerator then try to hold a conversation while holding it. Or yea, suck it up.

[DoulaWendy]

Well I did go back and explain it to him in terms of right brain/left brain and primal instinct and he was like "Oh, I understand now. That makes more sense." I think it's just hard for men to get why we can't make complete sentences and we can't make our needs known very well. We are planning on going to a Birthing From Within class so he can get a better feel for labor and we can be better prepared.

My DH is sensitive about how I treat him all the time, he just takes things to heart. I have learned that I have to watch how I say things when we argue. It has a lot to do with his past, but I won't go into that here. I think opening these lines of communication is vital for him so he knows I love him and I need him during labor, even if I act snappy. It's not that he isn't understanding, it's that he can't understand unless it is explained to him.

I do have a doula and she and my DD (who is turning 9) will be my womanly support. I also have 3 midwives who will attend and probably my mom. So I am really set as far as a woman's support. I do think my labor is best done in private with my hubby for the most part. I don't expect him to know everything, but just to be there and be in tune with me. That's all I really want.

So much to prepare for....

[happydoula]

Hey Wendy - FWIW, my husband is sorta, um, "sensitive" as well :o) He didn't really voice any concern about my being short with him or anything like that beforehand, but he told me afterwards that he was surprised that it didn't bother him. (Apparently, he'd' thought about it - just didn't bring it up.) He made one comment once during the beginning of my 4-hour transition (about keeping it down), got a death look, and was only supportive after that. He said it was really hard for him to watch me and know he couldn't really do anything but that it never occurred to him to think that I was being mean or snippy - he just figured I was doing something he couldn't and dealt with it as such. (When he said it, it sounded like a compliment -whereas when I'm writing it, it really doesn't seem to look like one!) Men may not change, but some of these more sensitive ones are able to at least understand once they're in the moment. :o) I think you've done your job - you gave him a heads up, you told him why, and now it's his turn to do his job: support you even if you're horrendous. Hahaha!