Mom Very Emotional Over Impending Circumcision

DoulaWendy · 01-16-2010, 05:22 PM

I do circumcision education as a part of my prenatal visits. So far none of my clients have chosen circumcision for their baby boys. It is a topic I approach with much care, as I have a strong personal feeling about it.

I have a client due anytime who is very emotional over it. Her husband and older boy are circ'd and she and her husband are planning to circ their newborn boy. We had this discussion at our pre-natal and she burst into tears at the memory of her son's circ. She said "I knew it was the best choice, but it was so hard." I encouraged them to do more research and talk openly about it as I could see mom didn't feel fully comfortable with the idea of circing again. Later I asked her how she was doing with that subject and she said "I was just being overly emotional." I left it alone at that point.

We were talking again yesterday and I reminded her to ask her OB about pain medication for the circ at her next visit so she would feel more prepared to handle the circumcision (she is someone who needs to plan in order to feel in control and calm). She was happy I reminded her and started talking about it again and once again she broke down at the other end of the phone. She apologized again and I told her it was just fine to cry if she felt upset. She dismissed her feelings again as being emotional and I told her "You know, I think your emotions are valid. You don't have to minimize them because you are pregnant." She seemed like she appreciated hearing that. We talked about there being different methods of circumcision and different forms of pain relief. We briefly about the pros and cons of having mismatched penises in the family and I reassured her that there were other families I knew of that had made different choices for their sons. Her main reason for circing was matching dad and brother, and I validated that feeling but reassured her it was okay to chose differently if her feelings on it had changed. I also told her if she felt like she couldn't decide it was okay to leave the decision up to her son when he was old enough to make the choice. Or she could wait until he was a little older so he could be better sedated. She said "I don't know if I could go through with it if I waited." We talked a bit longer and I said "Whatever you decide I will support you. I know you are great parents and you are going to make a good decision."

Ladies, it's breaking my heart! I don't think she wants to do it again but somehow she is struggling with saying "I don't want to." I am trying to empower her and validate her but I don't want to be the doula who pushed mom into a viewpoint that caused a riff in the family.

I think I will let it lie from here unless mom calls and asks me more questions. How do you handle these situations?

chloe2326 · 01-16-2010, 05:53 PM

I don't have any real advice, but I do want you to know that I think you are doing a stellar job of creating a space for your client to process her feelings and concerns. I don't think you are pushing your viewpoint at all but just shining a light on the fact that she doesn't have to make the decision to circ right now. His penis isn't going anywhere - the family can decide at a later date, or let the son decide when he's an adult, or she can choose to proceed as planned with the knowledge that her feelings are valid. What I really love is that you give her permission to feel the way she feels and to not feel pressure to hide that behind her pregnancy.

You are awesome!

AMotz · 01-16-2010, 09:43 PM

I agree, you're doing a great job. It's hard to talk about this sometimes when it's so obviously a sore spot within the family. I try to provide the info and then smile and nod. Sometimes that's all we can do.

sunshine · 01-17-2010, 12:30 AM

that is a really tough situation wendy. i feel for you having to listen to her cry when clearly she is much more conflicted than she will admit (and you are pregnant yourself, feeling those emotions more than ever). i think you have opened the door, been really gentle so that she feels safe talking with you and given her honest information. i just can't think what else you could do. she's going to have to do some conscious soul-searching (or not) and make her decision. it's so hard to watch couples make decisions which are so far from what you would choose, but as doulas we have to do this all the time. just repeat over and over, "not my baby. not my baby. not my baby."

happydoula · 01-17-2010, 01:17 AM

Poor Wendy! You might also mention that if they DO decide to do it, then waiting a week or so helps baby deal better due to hormone levels balancing out, vitamin k being up, etc. My clients who have opted for it have all waited that long as a result, and I feel like that's about all I can do when it's probably going to happen anyways :o) (And you may have already mentioned this - just thought I'd throw it out there since I saw that you'd mentioned discussing it with the ob rather than the ped)

fruitofthewomb doula · 01-17-2010, 12:06 PM

If she wants to try a more gentle way, hiring a Jewish Mohel may be an option for her. My dh and4 boys have all gotten circ'd -- the 3rd was less than ideal. For the 4th, we did hire a Mohel and were so pleased. Baby hardly cried and healed SO FAST. We will do so for any future baby boys we have as well...he was fanastic and gave us the biblical reasons for circ. Not that anyone has to agree with him -- but it was cool that he took the time. Just a thought.

Oh -- and we/he did wait until the 8th day. Vit K and endorphins are highest in baby at that time.

toricaswell · 01-17-2010, 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chloe2326

I don't have any real advice, but I do want you to know that I think you are doing a stellar job of creating a space for your client to process her feelings and concerns. I don't think you are pushing your viewpoint at all but just shining a light on the fact that she doesn't have to make the decision to circ right now. His penis isn't going anywhere - the family can decide at a later date, or let the son decide when he's an adult, or she can choose to proceed as planned with the knowledge that her feelings are valid. What I really love is that you give her permission to feel the way she feels and to not feel pressure to hide that behind her pregnancy.

You are awesome!