Bonding after birth question

WalkByFaith · 01-19-2010, 04:36 PM

Hi everyone! Hope you all are well

I have a client due in June with her first baby. She's planning a homebirth (I'm totally excited!) Anyway, she really wants to just have the birthing team and her doula (me

) and her husband there. She wants to wait for a long while possibly even a week or two, before having any visitors to see the baby. This includes the grandparents. She's nervous about how they will react to this. I told her telling them soon would be a good idea so that way when the time comes, they will know to respect her wishes. Ok so I guess my question is, can anyone of you reccommend any good links to sites/handouts regarding bonding with baby ect? Thank you so much I appreciate it!!!

happydoula · 01-19-2010, 04:43 PM

As in bonding with baby for the parents or for the grandparents a week later?

DoulaMegz · 01-19-2010, 04:50 PM

I actually wrote a postpartum plan...a little note, a while before my baby was born. I found that people were understanding that none of my birth or postpartum period was about THEM...and it turned out that we had no visitors for a week which was AWESOME!!!! Here's a sample of what I did: I thought I would take this opportunity to make a few public service announcements.

1. You're probably not on the "short list" and won't get a call when the baby is born. A very few family and friends will hear from us shortly after the birth. Baris will do his best to get an e mail out to the master list in a timely manner, hopefully with a picture of our new little man. Don't be offended, we simply know too many people. And if you get missed on the e mail it was simply an oversight, the list is very long. If you want to be on the list and aren't sure if you are, drop a comment, I'll add you. I may have B post to the blog if we get an internet connection, so that will be a possibility.

2. We enjoy visitors. But with a new baby, anyone hanging at our house for more than 30 minutes can get a bit tiresome. Please be kind, make your visit short, and call before you come so we know. Exceptions are for those who want to do housework while here!

3. B has laid down a rule that anyone who visits must bring us meals. 2 meals, lunch or dinner or one of each. That's his rule, and I think it's fair. :-) I say if you come around meal time and bring food, we'll be happy to sit and eat with you and wave the 30 minute rule! LOL!

4. This may sound a little callus, but it's for all our sanity. B and I are a little alternative to a lot of our friends when it comes to parenting. We're glad the things you do work for you, but largely we are trying some other things with Aiden that seem to make sense to us. We love to hear your stories about your babies, but unless we ask, please don't push advice on us. This is something I think MOST parents want to say to their very kind and well-meaning friends. We adore you, we value you your friendship, your caring, and your thoughts. But we want some space and want to feel comfortable parenting in our way.

5. My personal pet peeve. I don't mind you holding the baby and all that. But if you think you'll be touching his face, please wash your hands. I don't know why this bugs me, but it does. Handling him is one thing, touching his face is another. He's got such a little tiny immune system. I'm not a germaphobe, just the face touching thing.

6. Please don't bring your kids if you can help it when you visit. At least not for the first week or so. I've noticed I have a short patience for other people's children here at the end of my pregnancy, and i don't think I'll feel up to your kids shortly after birth while I"m all sleep deprived and hormonal.

7. Hospital visiting rules...well, we would really like to limit in hospital visitors. We'll all be tuckered out and worn out anyway with the baby, the birth, and the nurses checking in on us every hour or so, so it's important that we have a chance to rest. If you want to visit at the hospital, please call us first to find out if it's a good time. It might not be, and we may want to visit with you after we come home.

I probably sound like a crabby hormonal b****, but the truth is, if you think back to your first baby, you were thinking a lot of the same things. We just really want a smooth transition home, help where it's needed, and space when we need it. We want this time to be a special time for the three of us, this is all new to us and we want to just take our time and take it one step at a time. It's hard to work on becoming a family if there is a constant stream of visitors. You don't need to wait for an invitation, but please be courteous about your visit, we want to see you, but probably not for 3 hours straight!

A fair warning for anyone who might be bothered by it...Aiden will be breastfed, and this includes whenever people are around, if he's hungry, I feed him. If it bugs you, you are welcome to leave the room, but I'm gonna sit where I'm comfy. :-) Cheers. I don't take kindly to "opinions" about breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, so I wouldn't bring it up if I were you. Only fair that I warn you before I turn into a raging postpartum lunatic right? :-)

DoulaMegz · 01-19-2010, 04:55 PM

PS: Remind her that it's HER birth, it's HER baby, and it's HER family. she gets to call the shots and assert herself. Tell her to have the GPs visit in the hospital and then tell them to give them a week of peace and quiet at home. She need not feel guilty, they are NOT her problem.

AngelsMum · 01-19-2010, 05:26 PM

I would suggest bringing up the idea of a babymoon - like a honeymoon, except for the new family. It takes time to readjust to the new dynamics. Also, the early weeks of breastfeeding often feels awkward and most mums find it easier with less clothing. I tell the mums it's not unusual to sit feeding topless until things get sorted and that's hard to do if think there might be someone turning up at some point!

What is a babymoon?

With a homebirth I think it's even more important to put in place boundaries for visiting. Hospitals have restricted visiting hours for a very good reason. Parents may think that they will want lots of people over to visit beforehand, however it potentially interferes with bonding & breastfeeding.

As an example, at a homebirth last year the father called around immediately after birth. By the time I got the mum settled in bed I walked out to the kitchen and there were about 10 people sitting around with the dad in the kitchen ... passing around the baby! The mum was sitting in bed crying because she didn't have her baby. The father (or grandparents) didn't get the importance of skin-to-skin contact in those first few hours (and weeks), even after the midwife spoke to them.

This mum didn't have enough one-on-one time with her baby and ended up with long term low supply issues. The first 2-4 weeks are very important for the baby to have unlimted access to the breast to establish supply.

They can always let everyone know that they expect to not want visitors in the first week? two weeks? Then, if they change their mind afterwards, it's a bonus to the people they invite "earlier".

They may decide to have close family on Day 2 for a quick visit. But keep in mind day 3/4 when mums often feel sensitive so they may not invite anyone then.

doula Michele · 01-19-2010, 06:26 PM

As a gramma I would be so pissed. But our family doesn't roll that way so I will never have to worry. :-)

really i do not have any advice for you. All of my clients seem to want visitors immediatly!

WalkByFaith · 01-19-2010, 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaMaggie

As in bonding with baby for the parents or for the grandparents a week later?

I'm sorry I wasn't clear. My thoughts have been very scrambled lately! Basically anything that has information about bonding for the parents. I've never come in counter with anyone who wants to wait so long after baby is born to have family around. Any articles or personal stories or experiences with something like this would be awesome.

WalkByFaith · 01-19-2010, 06:52 PM

Awesome info ladies. Thanks so much. I did tell her that maybe her and her husband could take the GP's out to dinner to talk and let them in on their plans regardig having the homebirth ect and let them know then. Kinda "butter 'em 'up" a bit. LOL

happydoula · 01-19-2010, 07:23 PM

Well, if she's breastfeeding on demand and living/breathing baby for two weeks (which is inevitable when there's no one else there!), then bonding will happen, period. Having a homebirth means immediate, constant interaction - there's not really anything else they'll need to do.

I will say that you might want to mention that she'll be exhausted after baby's born (as will dad). Most of my clients actually choose not to have their parents and/or other family at the birth, but they don't mind having visitors later. It's sorta nice to have grandparents bring over dinner or do the laundry or what have you. You might gently mention that they might like some help (if the grandparents are like that)... they could always set up some ground rules and state that this is their special bonding time, and they want to hold baby/feed baby/ do whatever it is that they want to do with baby, but that if grandparents want to come by to help them with the other aspects of the home, then they're welcome ;o)

Personally, I don't know what I would have done if my mom hadn't come to my house every morning for a week to give me breakfast in bed/make lunch/ do my laundry/etc., so all I had to do was concentrate on my newborn. (And I was definitely not so sure I wanted it beforehand!)

NurturedBellyDoula · 01-19-2010, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DoulaMegz

I actually wrote a postpartum plan...a little note, a while before my baby was born. I found that people were understanding that none of my birth or postpartum period was about THEM...and it turned out that we had no visitors for a week which was AWESOME!!!! Here's a sample of what I did: I thought I would take this opportunity to make a few public service announcements.

1. You're probably not on the "short list" and won't get a call when the baby is born. A very few family and friends will hear from us shortly after the birth. Baris will do his best to get an e mail out to the master list in a timely manner, hopefully with a picture of our new little man. Don't be offended, we simply know too many people. And if you get missed on the e mail it was simply an oversight, the list is very long. If you want to be on the list and aren't sure if you are, drop a comment, I'll add you. I may have B post to the blog if we get an internet connection, so that will be a possibility.

2. We enjoy visitors. But with a new baby, anyone hanging at our house for more than 30 minutes can get a bit tiresome. Please be kind, make your visit short, and call before you come so we know. Exceptions are for those who want to do housework while here!

3. B has laid down a rule that anyone who visits must bring us meals. 2 meals, lunch or dinner or one of each. That's his rule, and I think it's fair. :-) I say if you come around meal time and bring food, we'll be happy to sit and eat with you and wave the 30 minute rule! LOL!

4. This may sound a little callus, but it's for all our sanity. B and I are a little alternative to a lot of our friends when it comes to parenting. We're glad the things you do work for you, but largely we are trying some other things with Aiden that seem to make sense to us. We love to hear your stories about your babies, but unless we ask, please don't push advice on us. This is something I think MOST parents want to say to their very kind and well-meaning friends. We adore you, we value you your friendship, your caring, and your thoughts. But we want some space and want to feel comfortable parenting in our way.

5. My personal pet peeve. I don't mind you holding the baby and all that. But if you think you'll be touching his face, please wash your hands. I don't know why this bugs me, but it does. Handling him is one thing, touching his face is another. He's got such a little tiny immune system. I'm not a germaphobe, just the face touching thing.

6. Please don't bring your kids if you can help it when you visit. At least not for the first week or so. I've noticed I have a short patience for other people's children here at the end of my pregnancy, and i don't think I'll feel up to your kids shortly after birth while I"m all sleep deprived and hormonal.

7. Hospital visiting rules...well, we would really like to limit in hospital visitors. We'll all be tuckered out and worn out anyway with the baby, the birth, and the nurses checking in on us every hour or so, so it's important that we have a chance to rest. If you want to visit at the hospital, please call us first to find out if it's a good time. It might not be, and we may want to visit with you after we come home.

I probably sound like a crabby hormonal b****, but the truth is, if you think back to your first baby, you were thinking a lot of the same things. We just really want a smooth transition home, help where it's needed, and space when we need it. We want this time to be a special time for the three of us, this is all new to us and we want to just take our time and take it one step at a time. It's hard to work on becoming a family if there is a constant stream of visitors. You don't need to wait for an invitation, but please be courteous about your visit, we want to see you, but probably not for 3 hours straight!

A fair warning for anyone who might be bothered by it...Aiden will be breastfed, and this includes whenever people are around, if he's hungry, I feed him. If it bugs you, you are welcome to leave the room, but I'm gonna sit where I'm comfy. :-) Cheers. I don't take kindly to "opinions" about breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, so I wouldn't bring it up if I were you. Only fair that I warn you before I turn into a raging postpartum lunatic right? :-)

I just completely love this!!!

DoulaMegz · 01-19-2010, 10:38 PM

It's how I roll Angela.

DL · 01-20-2010, 12:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doula Michele

As a gramma I would be so pissed. But our family doesn't roll that way so I will never have to worry. :-)

I don't know if "pissed" would be the word for me, but "very sad" would definitely be it if I was not allowed to see my new grandbaby for 1-2 weeks! (makes me want to cry to even think of it!

) Newborns grow so fast and change so much, even in the first couple of weeks. I'm thankful to not have that worry, 'cause our family doesn't roll that way, either.

WalkByFaith...I would have to say if your client definitely does not want the grandparents to visit for a week or more (and I do believe that the parents should have their say whether I personally agree with it or not), then I agree with you that it would be best to let the grandparents know right away. If they wait until close to the birth or afterwards, the grandparents just might feel crushed. It really is a special time that they've probably been highly anticipating that can never be relived by them. That 1-2 weeks will seem to last a long time as they anxiously await to see and welcome their new grandbaby and to congratulate their daughter and or son. It would be nice for them to have time for the idea to soak in well beforehand, I would think, which might help to smooth out feelings before time for the birth.

If they have a decent relationship with the grandparents, I have a suspicion that these clients will change their minds about the 1-2 weeks without grandparents visiting when they need someone to help with their older children for subsequent births. ETA: I wouldn't even be surprised at all if they changed their minds for this baby and this postpartum period once they are actually living the situation.

1stimestar · 01-20-2010, 01:43 AM

I would be terribly hurt but I also know "some" grandparents that would not be allowed around if they were mine. So while I think most of us have the types of relationships with our children that we would be welcomed by the new family, I know of several personaly that are not, with good reason.

My rule of thumb is: A person comes out of your vagina, you get to make the rules!

doula Michele · 01-20-2010, 09:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doula Lori

I don't know if "pissed" would be the word for me, but "very sad" would definitely be it if I was not allowed to see my new grandbaby for 1-2 weeks! (makes me want to cry to even think of it!

) Newborns grow so fast and change so much, even in the first couple of weeks. I'm thankful to not have that worry, 'cause our family doesn't roll that way, either.

WalkByFaith...I would have to say if your client definitely does not want the grandparents to visit for a week or more (and I do believe that the parents should have their say whether I personally agree with it or not), then I agree with you that it would be best to let the grandparents know right away. If they wait until close to the birth or afterwards, the grandparents just might feel crushed. It really is a special time that they've probably been highly anticipating that can never be relived by them. That 1-2 weeks will seem to last a long time as they anxiously await to see and welcome their new grandbaby and to congratulate their daughter and or son. It would be nice for them to have time for the idea to soak in well beforehand, I would think, which might help to smooth out feelings before time for the birth.

If they have a decent relationship with the grandparents, I have a suspicion that these clients will change their minds about the 1-2 weeks without grandparents visiting when they need someone to help with their older children for subsequent births. ETA: I wouldn't even be surprised at all if they changed their minds for this baby and this postpartum period once they are actually living the situation.

yeah pissed is probably a harsh word....me and my potty mouth. I would be terribly hurt! But thats because we have a super close relationship with our kids. Both Dean and I were in the delivery room when our granddaughter was born. So i do not think it will ever be an issue.

I guess some families are not like ours....oh who am I kidding, most families are not like ours.

For some families I guess there is definate reasons maybe but those families usually dont want the grandparents around...ever.
But this seems to be just a 'bonding' thing? I have never given clients any info on this. Maybe because I live in more of a farming community where family is close, most of my clients are so excited for the baby to bond with the whole family.

They may change their minds when they realise they both really need a nap for a few hours, and it would be really nice to know that gramma is there taking care of things for a few hours.

ehilleke · 01-20-2010, 09:35 AM

Good for your clients, to set boundaries now! Family camped out at my first three births, bringing huge ice chests of food and drinks to the hospital even. Then they'd hang out in my room for hours after the baby was born; it was terribly uncomfortable.

To reverse this pattern, I decided to give jobs to our immediate family, during labor and postpartum. For the fourth birth, my in-laws watched my older children, and we made an appointment (more than 24 hours after the birth) for them to bring the children to see their baby sister for the first time. My mom was the gopher. Whatever I or my husband needed - food, drink, Depends - she went and got. My sister-in-law was in charge of the first meal post birth. Once we were home, my mother-in-law was in charge of my kitchen and my mom took the older kids to stay with her for a few days.

I rested and bonded with my fourth baby best of all. Yeah, people were around, but they came only when invited and they had jobs to do when they got there. I didn't have to be the hostess; I didn't have to politely give up the baby to the guests. So that's my advice to your clients - Give the grandparents special jobs to do during their babymoon. Tell them how much they'll be helping by completing those tasks and being patient during that time.