How do you professionally and delicately end a gig with a PP family?

RitesOfPassageDoula · 01-20-2010, 05:56 PM

Edit: Not exactly "END" the gig, but not do what they are asking me to do.

A family I'm working for right now wants me to go from less than 10 hours per week to 30 and are asking me to end my current wage-job to do so. For a variety of reasons, I'm not interested in doing so and there's not a way for me to work both jobs due to scheduling conflicts. I've been working with them for about 5 months and the job is becoming more and more a nanny gig than a doula gig - the baby is almost one. I was originally supposed to end my time with them in February when baby would go to daycare, but the daycare doesn't have space for them yet. Hence, they want me to stay and are offering a higher pay than my wage job and guaranteed employment for the same amount of time as my wage-job offers (til May). The money doesn't mean much to me though, and I just like my wage-job a lot better for a variety of reasons.

They're telling me that they are in a very difficult position right now and would really like for me to increase my hours rather than finding someone new because they and the baby know me and like me and they don't want to do background checks all over again. I've developed a relationship with this family and feel for them, but I just can't agree to these new terms.

I'm afraid they'll be hurt and panicked when I tell them I can't do it, no matter how gently I let them down... that being said, how do I let them down gently??? I don't want to give them specifics about my life and goals and reasons, though none of them are specifically about the family themselves. I LIKE the family, I just don't want to keep doing this and I went to a lot of trouble to get this other job and I LIKE this other job.

I'm rambling. Please help?

Thanks!!!

ms_quoted · 01-20-2010, 06:26 PM

I think just tell them what you just told us- that you are a postpartum doula and not a nanny. Since you've been doing this for almost a year- is this interferring with you serving other families? If you have references or referrals of nannys in your area you can provide them with that information.

AngelsMum · 01-20-2010, 06:35 PM

I'm sure someone will be along with a very tactful way of saying no thank you - but that's not my forte.

However, I did want to say that you don't have to justify turning down the position. Naturally, I can see that you have developed a relationship with this family - but their reaction to you leaving is not your responsibility. You are only responsible for your own actions. It seems to me that they relied on you being able to fill the gap of childcare when it's hard to find. Perhaps they even thought that if left long enough, you'd stay.

I would say that by allowing this to go on so long, you have also given them the impression that you were Ok with this assumption. There is a responsibility on your part to be very clear on your boundaries as a PP doula as opposed to a nanny.

Quote:

They're telling me that they are in a very difficult position right now and would really like for me to increase my hours rather than finding someone new because they and the baby know me and like me and they don't want to do background checks all over again.

At the risk of sounding harsh - it's sounds to me that they're being a bit emotionally manipulative. The issues they stated are faced by every parent who looks for care for their child. It won't be the first or last time. It's something that is the reality of parenting. It is not your responsibility to make them feel better.

As a PP Doula, I would think it would be helpful to gather some resources for local care and hand that to them while declining their offer.

RitesOfPassageDoula · 01-20-2010, 07:04 PM

I've only been working with them since August when another pp doula referred them to me since they wanted to keep doula care (despite having the distinction explained to them) and it was my first gig, so I was happy to take it. So, I have not been with them the whole year. Only about 5 months.

Quote:

As a PP Doula, I would think it would be helpful to gather some resources for local care and hand that to them while declining their offer.

And I'm going to do this... AGAIN. In October, I let them know that after December (the last month that I had agreed to work with them), they should consider seeking a nanny for their needs and pointed them to some resources to start looking. They responded by saying that they only needed help through February and that finding someone for just two months would be difficult and almost not worth it. When I found out it was only another 2 months, I consented to stay through February but explained I made no promises past that.

You aren't harsh, AngelsMum, I think you are hitting the nail on the head about them and I appreciate your perspective - I'm always trying to paint things a little more positively than they actually are!