What was your dh/so's reaction when you told them you wanted to be a doula? How are they handling it now that you are? How did you 'sell' them on the idea?
As a new doula, my husband is still excited for me. He knows I have been wanting to do this for a long time, and really was the one to push me into finally certifying. I have only been to a few births, but so far he has handled everything great with me being gone and him having to deal with the kids on his own. I am hoping it stays this way.
Mine has been supportive for 7 years.
This year when trying to plan a much anticipated moterbike trip with my BIL and SIL, and I was trying to schedual around due dates, I knew he was getting annoyed.
And so was I. So i knew it was time to cut back and possibly quit...as long as learn to say no, and not book past August when my last client is schedualed.
We are both self employed, kids are grown and we want to be able to pick up and go if the weather is nice, and with clients always due, it is definatly ruining that for us.
He is getting less and less supportive, and I do not blame him.
My DH has never held me back from anything I've wanted to pursue. He knows that this birth culture is a part of who I am. Overall, he is quite supportive. The only angst comes when I am on call. He worries about who will take care of the kids, etc. And, that is a HUGE part of being a doula so I can't really blame him.
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Well, I definitely didn't have to sell him on the idea. And really, I didn't ask his permission anyway, just like he never asked me if I was ok with him being a police officer. It's what he wanted to do, so we make it work, and vice versa.
He is pretty supportive. It's no something that we argue about ever.
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Ashley Motzenbecker, CD (CBI), RP, PED
Certified Labor Doula, Certified Perinatal Educator, Level II Reiki Certified
Regional Coordinator and Volunteer Doula for Operation Special Delivery www.wiregrassdoulaservices.com
Honestly, my husband hates what I do. He finds it to be an inconvenience and he just doesn't understand why this is my passion, but I have talked to him and told him that I am allowed to have something for myself. I am a wonderful mother, and housewife, and I deserve to do something that I love, so he accepts that. There are times that it creates tension between the two of us, but I have worked so hard for this and I am not going to stop doing it. He does not really help me out in any way, when it comes to doulaing. He will of course watch the kids when I have to go, but if he has to go to work that day, then I have to find a sitter myself. It may sound sad, but that is just how it is for me. I love my husband very much, and he loves me, lol he is just a very dense man sometimes. Good luck!
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Amy Townsend Little Ways Doula Services
Mama to Caroline (4); Katie (2) ; my angel baby Gabriel ; Libby (born 1-20-11) , and wife to Adrian (7 years)
Until about 3 months ago my husband was a TOTAL pain in the @$$ about it, actually. He didn't understand that it was my job, not just a hobby. Recently, however, he's all about supporting my little business and helping me to grow through marketing and adding services and soon products. I still have to coordinate all childcare situations (sometimes from the hospital) but I really appreciate his support now, and his interest in what I do. I didn't sell him on it. I just did it. I decided it made me happy and that my career would be in birth and mothers, told him that I would do it with or without his support (afterall, I've done EVERYTHING asked of me in support of his career, including moving to and STAYING in a state I hate) but that it would be easier for both of us if he got on board.
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~Megz~
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My husband has always been extremely supportive of whatever I am passionate about, regardless and likewise. He has always been interested in it and I really enjoy getting his point of a view.
I wouldn't ever dream of asking his permission or trying to sell him on something - I do what I want; no man will tell me what I can and can't do - one tried it and I divorced him.
I don't doula often enough for it to be an inconvenience.
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Michelle
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I had to really finagle in order to do this job. My hubby still isn't quite convinced that this is enough "work" as in money. I teach childbirth classes in the evening and take one or two clients a month. Any ideas?
When I finally told my husband, in plain language, that this is what I wanted to do, he said "What took you so long?" He knew I had been dancing around it and that I was embarassed to ask for the money from our savings to pay for my training (I've been a SAHM for 3 years).
It's been 5 months and 5 births, and he's still behind me.
DH was really supportive when I went to the training and was all excited about it.
My first birth was an induction for pre-E that went no where, I was with the client for three days. He was worried that I would lose my daytime job (every client has been in the evenings and weekends since then) and we had a big huge fight about it. When he realized I could handle both my regular job and my clients he calmed down. He is very supportive and deals with the childcare when I am busy with clients. When he knows I am on my way home from a birth he stays up for me so I can tell him about it. He knows that I will either be really excited or really frustrated.
Also, I have been talking to DH about birth stuff since DD was born (via c-section) so he knows most of the terminology and he gets worked up about unnecessary interventions too.
ETA: One of our local cloth diaper WAHM's is selling her business and DH is trying to get me to buy it so that I could just quit my job and do that and doula full time. He just wants to make me happy.
Last edited by turtlewomyndoula; 01-21-2010 at 03:40 PM.
Reason: another thought
My hubby has been great about it. When we got married (and I moved here from another state), I mentioned that I would like to train to be a doula "at some point." After looking, unsuccessfully, for jobs in my field (I was an administrative assistant for a lot of years) for a few months, one day DH said, "What do you think about going ahead and pursuing the 'doula thing' now? It seems like this might be the time for it." So I did!
When I'm on call, he asks me all the time if I remembered to bring my phone with me, and have I heard from my client. During a night when I was waiting on a slow induction, he kept waking me up to find out if I had gotten a text message yet. LOL
On New Year's Eve, we went to a party with some friends, and I got a call from my client just as we pulled into our friends' driveway. DH said, "Eh, I didn't really want to party all night anyway." It was a long birth, and I was gone all day on New Year's Day, one of his few holidays from work. Instead of complaining, he rented some "guy movies" and played video games and was just happy to see me when I did finally get home.
I really couldn't ask for a more supportive hubby.
We hired a doula for our 3rd child's birth. So he knew what it was all about. He also knew I was very passionate about birth and seemed fine with me pursuing it.
Now 8yrs later I can say that we have at least 3 MAJOR arguements per year due to this work for one of the following reasons:
-Inconvenience to him (as in he had other plans)
-Gone too long (anything over 16hrs is going to cause tension between us)
-Not recognizing that the money I bring in is VITAL not "extra" to our family
I DO care what he thinks, we have 5 children together and I WANT a happy home, however I have committed my life to him since I was 17yrs old ( when we had our first child). I know myself and know that I would be very, very resentful if I quit this line of work and THAT would kill our marriage. Plus, realistically there is no part time work I could do that would be AS convenient (in terms of childcare) or as lucrative.
Now because I love him, I do compromise-for instance:
-I take off a 4wk period in the summer so we can plan vacation
-I won't take more than 2 clients per month
-I try my best not to have classes back-to-back (they're on weekends)
-I limit doula work (interviews/prenatals/meetings) to 2 nights per week
I think the question itself is a bit unfair...and here's why. Yes my husband is supportive of my being a doula - that was never the issue. The issue is scheduling and household/parenting tasks. It's taken many a year to get the balance right without anyone becoming resentful. One cannot succeed at being a doula without support from family - yet the doula must also remember that HER family comes first.
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Medicine Hat Doula
Medicine Hat, AB CANADA
"Nature, time and patience are three great physicians."
-- H.G. Bohn
"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise."
-- Robert Fritz
". . .there is a world of difference between compliance and commitment. The committed person brings an energy, passion, and excitement that cannot be generated if you are only compliant, even genuinely compliant. The committed person doesn't play by the 'rules of the game.' He is responsible for the game. If the rules of the game stand in the way of achieving the vision, he will find ways to change the rules. A group of people truly committed to a common vision is an awesome force. They can accomplish the seemingly impossible."
-- Peter M. Senge
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Honestly, if I feel that I really want to do something, then I'm going to do it - that's just how I'm wired. That said, it was important to me to have my husband's support, since I planned to make a bit of a career of birth-related work. As it turned out, my DH said that if this was something that I wanted to do, then he was behind it. But he also said that he did want to have time for a family vacation sometime during the summer and that he didn't think it was fair to our kids (4 and 2, currently) if I missed Christmas or birthdays. Since I agreed with these issues (and I know it's a personal decision - just something that I have no problem with!), we haven't had any real arguments - I've just blocked out time during the summer, not taken clients for the time around the holidays, and I've had a back-up lined up for bdays. He's been very good about checking to see if I'm on call when we're invited to do something out of town and not having a problem with it when I am. And he's actually become more of a planner (which is a huge plus for me! He used to have a habit of telling his parents that it was okay if they came and stayed with us the same night!!) He also has a pretty easy work schedule of 4 days per week (and he's only had to call out once in the past year) which helps.
I know not every SO is as supportive, but just to let you know that it's out there!
__________________ Maggie, CD(DONA)
Please do not use my words or opinions in any other forum, blog, social media (or anywhere else) without my written consent.
; Katie (2) 
; my angel baby Gabriel 
; Libby (born 1-20-11) 
, and wife to Adrian 
(7 years)
I didn't sell him on it. I just did it. I decided it made me happy and that my career would be in birth and mothers, told him that I would do it with or without his support (afterall, I've done EVERYTHING asked of me in support of his career, including moving to and STAYING in a state I hate) but that it would be easier for both of us if he got on board.
