Venting - Doula Support For Family Members

tlcdoula · 09-01-2005, 10:28 AM

Sorry ladies, but I need to vent and just don't know who to vent to

Here is what is going on - several months ago my nephew (19 yrs old) announced he was getting married. The second I saw his girlfriend I knew why - she was/is pregnant. I could just tell because her breasts were much fuller. At the time she was only 3 months along, so no one else knew, but me and he told his mother. So they got married in July and sadly my nephew's unit has been called up so he has had to leave to fight for his country.

Now here is the real problem I am having. My nephew had come to me and asked if I would teach his new wife her childbirth education classes because he wanted to make sure she got a good education and they couldn't afford hospital or private classes, so I agreed. He also inquired about my doula services which I told her I would do for free. I explained to her that since she is due in November and October might be a big month for me (dh and I are going to be gone 10 days in October on a husband/wife vacation) so that meant she couldn't wait until the last second to take the classes with me. So I called her to set up the first one and she wasn't sure when she could take it so I told her to just call me when she was ready but to remember I was very busy. So we finally have one class and she brings her mother. Her mother sat there rolling her eyes the whole time and refused to do any relaxation type stuff with her dd. In fact when the mom rolled her eyes the girl said "well I don't really need that." I explained why I was going through the information, why she needed it, etc. Her mom said "well that is what an epidural is for." So I have to work with her mother and her mother in law - both who are huge epidural people and the mom is terrified of needles, so she doesn't want one, but feels pressured into just getting one. She isn't preparing herself (I know - this isn't my birth, but I also do not want to work under these circumstances with them - there is more to it too).

She schedules her second prenatal and cancels by sending me an e-mail late the night before and hasn't called to reschedule. I know she is going to expect me to do all this at the end, and I can't!!!! Plain and simply I will not sacrifice that much of my life and will not sacrifice this important husband/wife vacation. I do not think I should have to hunt her down and keep asking her to schedule or reschedule or keep hounding her concerning what she needs to do.

She still needs to find a new doctor because the one she has is no longer under her insurance. When she got married her insurance changed to military insurance and her doctor doesn't accept it for full reimbursement so each time she goes to the doctor she will be left with yet another huge bill. She just doesn't understand what that means and keeps crying that she can't afford it, so she needs to find a new doctor.

I know it is because she is young and just doesn't get it, but the more time that goes on the more I don't want to work with her anymore because I will not put that much effort into hunting her down or finding her a new doctor like she wants me to do for her.

Plus I cannot stand her mother - at our first class all the mom did was talk about her births and overpowered her dd and would say things like "well this sucks and it will hurt - what were you thinking?!" This mother is also just weird because when she came to my house she asked me if she could change her clothes and I said "sure" and showed her where the bathroom was - instead of changing in there she stripped her shirt and pants off in my living room, in front of my windows and changed. I told her my family was home (dh and the seven kids) and she said "well I am so paper thin that when they go past they won't even notice me here." ugghh

Tiffany · 09-01-2005, 10:37 AM

Um, what the heck?! The lady sounds nuts.

Especially that last part!

I think you know what you need to do.

There is only so much you can do for people and say to them. This is a difficult situation and this girl has no idea how good this could have turned out. Sad!!

tlcdoula · 09-01-2005, 11:55 AM

Yes, you are right I do have to talk with her and tell her enough is enough and this is what she needs to do in order to accomplish her classes and have me as her doula. I hate to sound mean, but if she wants the classes I cannot do them all the end of October because I am very busy. I won't have time to squeeze these in, and although she knows it I think she is going to procrasinate and make it all worse because I will have to tell her I can't do it.

I think I will call her tonight and explain that if she wants me there then she has to do certain things and that is the only way I can help her. You are right though - she could have it very good, and I am so sad for how this is all going to turn out with her mom encouraging her to be induced (already) because the doctor mentioned it to her as an option to "get it over with" and both her mother and mother in law pushing an epidural.

raspberrymoondoula · 09-01-2005, 01:17 PM

i do think you';re right be firm, give some tough love, and try to ge t her without the mother so you can find out what she really wants for herself

tlcdoula · 09-01-2005, 01:35 PM

Yes, I was already planning on getting her without her mom. At first her mom was making that challenging for me, but after her mom was complaining about how she needs to relax I was thinking about doing some hypnotherapy with her - hence her mom can't come to my office for that because we need quiet and uninterrupted time to work together.

raspberrymoondoula · 09-01-2005, 04:13 PM

excellent call :-) sounds like she'd benefit from some birthing from within exercises too

1stimestar · 09-01-2005, 05:40 PM

I would make one more call, tell her in no uncertain terms (politly of course) that in order for you to be be her doula, this and this needs to happen at such and such time. Otherwise you will just assume that she does not want your services and then you are free to go on without her. I would certainly tell your nephew all that has been going on too. Sounds like she doesn't see the value in your services and is content to let mamma run the show. Well that is fine if that is her personality. Good luck!

09-01-2005, 10:11 PM

I just got in and I am curious as to how this all turned out. I have to deal with teens and run into this so often. I never know how far to push an issue. At least this is family. Well, maybe that's not so good after all.....Anyway good luck!!! I hope she starts becoming a little more serious about this because I have to agree with you that when the time comes she WILL wake up and realize she needs you....it always goes down like that.

Babies_Bellies_Boobies · 09-01-2005, 10:21 PM

will she at least read some good books on her own, do you think?

tlcdoula · 09-02-2005, 10:53 AM

1stimestar - I would love to speak with my nephew about this, but unfortunately I am out of contact with him because he is fighting for his country. That makes it all the more difficult because his new, young wife is completely in denial on what is going on.

tlcdoula · 09-02-2005, 10:56 AM

To answer some questions posted here. First I have not called her yet. I know I said I was going to, but my desk came in last night so I went to pick that up and got completely involved in that LOL. By the time I was done my dh and I decided a date was more important so we went out for dinner, then finished school shopping and came home.

As far as working with teens goes - I have worked with many - I used to volunteer as a doula for a teen group and to be honest pushing teens who are not related to me was much easier. I would meet with them the first time and completely lay down the law on what the expectations were, what I expected and how we were going to do thngs. I also explained that I was very busy, was doing this as a service and that if they truly were not able or willing to work with me then they needed to say so right away.

Now with family - that is so much harder because I know she is so totally in denial!!!! She still keeps "wishing" my nephew can be there for the birth and keeps fantasizing about how he will just show up. Sorry but the military doesn't work like that!!!!

09-03-2005, 11:22 AM

sounds like my SIL. she just had a baby and asked for all kinds of advice and information, then took none of it

she was still totally unprepared and ended up getting induced 2 days after her due date and got an epi at 2 cm.

it's hard doing this with family when they don't want to listen. good luck. i hope it works out

tlcdoula · 09-03-2005, 11:30 AM

I totally agree Kathy. When my sister was pregnant with her second I was just becoming a doula and she wanted me to be there - first as a sister and told me that she wasn't doing anything freaky. Well she ended up getting an epidural because she told me right up front she was doing so. I knew it was best not to hound my sister, so I provided what information I could and let it slide figuring I would be more support if I was actually able to be there instead of her uninviting me to her birth. Well 1 1/2 yrs later she hears me talking about doula stuff and tells me it isn't fair that I didn't do any of that with her - what???? Of course, I explained why I didn't and she understood, but regrets not listening to me now and she had a tubal so no more babies in her future (yet another thing she regrets not listening to me on).

tlcdoula · 09-18-2005, 06:43 PM

I think I mentioned that I am working with my nephew's new wife. She is due in November and my nephew is deployed so she really needed someone to be with her at her birth. Her and her mother have a very hot and cold relationship, and I don't get the impression that she is as close to her mil as her mil thinks she is. The girl is only 19 yrs old, so very insecure, and so I offered my services to them. When I offered I didn't know my nephew would be deployed and I would have to deal with her mother and mil.

So anyhow, it has been a small battle trying to get her to come for her childbirth education classes. She keeps saying she has plenty of time, and I keep trying to explain that I cannot do this stuff at the end of her pregnancy and can't do much work with her in October because my life is very busy, and I am going out of town for 10 days. I have been trying to get her to understand this for some time now. In about five weeks I have gotten her to come in for two childbirth education classes, and at her last one she kept saying how much she needs to relax, needs help and would love to try hypnotherapy. I agreed to do this for her for free (dumb move on my part because when am I going to learn that when everything is given for free it isn't appreciated as much). Her first session on that was supposed to be last night and she called one hour before hand to cancel. I was not happy because I could have filled that spot with a paying client or even filled it with one of the other numerous relatives who are waiting for a spot to open up with me. She said she had a fight with her mom and was too upset to come. I tried explaining all the better for us to work together then, but she wouldn't do it.

There are only two more weeks in September and she has three more childbirth classes and when I asked her when she wanted to schedule those she said she didn't know. I give up!!!! I told her that she can call me when she is ready, but please remember that I am very busy and may not be able to accommodate her. She just doesn't understand that I do not have all this free time to go with the flow on her schedule. Twice now she cancelled on me. I am ready to tell her that because she has cancelled twice at the last minute that I cannot do this for free. My time is valuable and if she doesn't appreciate it then I could fill that spot with someone else who does.

Sadly I decided that I am only going to give away my services for free only a certain number of times each year and she was my last opportunity for someone to get free services. If she isn't going to value them I could give them to another teen.

1stimestar · 09-18-2005, 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tlcdoula

I am ready to tell her that because she has cancelled twice at the last minute that I cannot do this for free. My time is valuable and if she doesn't appreciate it then I could fill that spot with someone else who does.

Do it. It sounds like this girl does not see any value in what you are offering her but doesn't have the balls to tell you so. Maybe she just doesn't want to hurt your feelings but I'm sure you would rather her just tell you No Thanks. Ugh, how frustrating. And "starting" hypnobirthing 2 months before your due date? She obviously knows nothing about the commitment needed for that. I'd say to tell her good luck, see you in the funny papers and wouldn't offer one more thing for free to her.