Offering Condolences

raspberrymoondoula · 10-18-2005, 10:01 AM

i hada woman call me friday interested in a doula. we talked for a while, she said she wanted to talk with her husband and have me call her back monday. i called yesterday and left a message. this morning i get a message from her saying she lost the baby and will no longer need a doula. Should i call and offer condolences or would that just be rubbing salt in the wound?

tlcdoula · 10-18-2005, 10:31 AM

Honestly I don't know what I would do.

raspberrymoondoula · 10-18-2005, 12:24 PM

neither do i is the problem lol i mean i dont really have a connection with her, but at the same time i dont want to feel like i'm ignoring her either.

DL · 10-18-2005, 12:28 PM

I've not run into this situation yet.

Did she give you her address? I'm not really sure about this, but maybe you could send her a card. Send one of those pretty, blank note cards and just simply say that you are sorry to hear that she had lost the baby and that your thoughts and prayers are with them. Short and sweet is probably best since you didn't know her yet. At least she'll know that you care, and I don't think that would seem like rubbing salt into her wound.

As for a phone call????....That is harder, I think. Anyone else have any thoughts on that?

1stimestar · 10-18-2005, 02:31 PM

The card is a great idea if you have her address. If not I would call her and just say you would like to offer her your condolences. Ask her if she would be interested in a support group or needs any local references. Have some handy. Good luck.

1stimestar · 10-18-2005, 02:34 PM

Oh yea. Most of the time mentioning a lost child or pregnancy IS good to do. Most people don't know what to say so they don't say anything. Moms end up feeling ignored by friends and family simply because they don't know how to handle such a loss. Mom does not have the fact that she had a child/pregnancy confirmed, and that is hurtful. Stay away from cliches like "at least it was early" or "God wanted baby". Those don't help in the least and can be very hurtful.

DL · 10-18-2005, 02:41 PM

I wholeheartedly agree with Georgeanne's advice. I learned these things that she mentions from my sister when she had a stillborn daughter at 32 weeks gestation. Contacting this woman is the right thing to do, IMO. Good luck, Lynne.

Tiffany · 10-18-2005, 02:44 PM

If anything, I would definately send a card.

raspberrymoondoula · 10-18-2005, 09:21 PM

dont have her address, really our contact was justa brief "i'd like a doula, heres what type of birth i'd like, can we talk again monday to schedule an appointment?" i guss call, offer condolences, refer to support groups and go my way?

1stimestar · 10-19-2005, 03:08 AM

Sounds good to me.

Babies_Bellies_Boobies · 10-19-2005, 08:52 PM

<nods>

kelley piasecki · 10-20-2005, 03:03 PM

I would give her a call, if you don't know her address to send her a card. Just letting her know that you are thinking of her will maybe brighten her day a bit. We lost a daughter at 3 days old, and for me, I did NOT want to talk to anyone for the first few days, even if it was to hear their condolences. Every one is different, and if she doesn't want to answer the phone, then I would suggest leaving a message.

I know you didn't get to know her, but offer to bring a meal over. That is the last thing I wanted to think about after losing her, was to cook for me and my family. I didn't have the energy, and I didn't care. But she has to eat.

fearlessbirth · 11-22-2005, 09:05 AM

Hi there! I am very sad this morning as a woman I was supporting during her pregnancy has just lost her baby. She was 17 weeks. She's a friend of a friend and lives in another state. I've never met her face to face but her family was unsupportive of her pregnancy (because she's not married to the father, although he's great and they live together!) and she was scared. She miscarried almost a year ago so had fears about this pregnancy as well. The last time she went for an ultrasound at 12 weeks the doctors felt confident that things would be fine. They did find she has uterine fibroids but assured her that many women have them and they usually don't pose a problem in pregnancy but they'd keep an eye on it. I had been sending her little happy grams and reminders (about diet, relaxation, etc) via email and our mutual friend just wrote me and said she's been in the hospital. Her heart is breaking and she's so discouraged.

I know there's nothing I can 'do' to make her feel better, but I feel like an 'I'm sorry' e-mail would be inappropriate. Do you think mailing a card to her house would be ok? I just want to do SOMETHING! Any suggestions? This is the first time I've dealt with this.

Thanks for listening!

kelley piasecki · 11-22-2005, 09:26 AM

Hi Fearless.....

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of this baby.

The best thing that you can do for her right now is offer an ear to listen and send her a card and/or flowers. Just knowing that you care and are there for her will help.

We lost a full term daughter at 3 days old back in 2001, and it really helped when people sent cards, flowers, etc.....What hurt the most is those people who didn't send a card or call because they didn't know what to say. Even if you don't know what to say, it's would be a good idea to send a card, so that she knows you are thinking of her. Even though it couldn't bring my daughter back, the smell of all the different kinds of flowers (and there were a ton of them sent to our house!!) in my house brightened my mood. I later had a friend press some of them into a beautiful frame that my daughter's picture from the hospital is in. It's such a treasure that I will always keep.

Sorry for rambling.....anytime that I hear of something like this, I feel the need to help in some way. I hope I was of some help. Feel free to PM me if you want. Take care, and I'm so sorry to hear about the loss. I'll be praying for you, her and her family.

tlcdoula · 11-22-2005, 09:42 AM

I think Kelley has given you some great advice. I would just make sure that she knows you are there to listen and talk to if she needs someone.

Big hugs to her and you!