Helping a friend in a tough situation

[Need2read]

I recieved a call from my mother the other day, whom told me that a very good friend of mine (who I recently had a sort of falling out with before I moved 2 states away) is pregnant. My friend, who just turned 17 is pregnant and due to give birth in 2 weeks. I immediately called her and forgot about any disagreements we had in the past and spoke to her at first without mentioning my mother's call. She seemed to be doing fine, except that her boyfriend had dumped her 3 months ago to go back to his ex-girlfriend. (his ex just gave birth to a baby and is no pregnant again. At which point he was still trying to get into my friend's pants)

*forgive me for all of this drama*

My friend decided to give her baby up for adoption, which I respect her for, and know that because she is not only very sensitive but an intelligent and extremely kind person she is going to have a hard time moving forward, and doing it without beating herself up.

I asked her if she had taken any Labor preparation courses and she said no. I am really worried for a number of reasons... She hasn't read anything about childbirth and I really don't know if she is prepared at all (I think she is trying to ignore it until she just can't anymore) As her friend I wish I could be there with her but there is just no way I could find the money to fly/take the train there.

She was told she is going to be induced if she doesn't go into labor by the 30th and she is going to have her labor stopped if it is before the 20th. (RIDICLOUS TIME FRAME!)

I want to do something to not only educate her on standing up for her rights in the hospital and being knowledgable of the drugs, but I also want to provide support, and help her get through this. It's not as though there is really any good coming after the birth for her because she is giving the child away and the man who helped her create this child is a horrible person.

I was trying to think of some sort of gift assortment I could send to help her after the birth and also some advice and things I should talk about with her so that she doesn't end up having anything unneccesary happen to her.

I am at a loss..I want to be there for her more than anything and stand by her. I want more than anything to physically be with her and go through it along side her because othr than her immediate family she is alone in this.

advice? I'm just feeling sort of helpless.

[DL]

Bless your friend's heart!!!!...... Were you able to explain to her what a doula is? If she's interested, is it possible to put in a search for a doula for her? It really sounds like she could use the support.

It's quite possible that a doula seeking certification could take her on for a discounted or free birth. It seems that time is short, though, so if she's willing..... You could be a great help to her by helping her to search for someone! Doula support is the first thing that came to my mind.

Here are a few places you could look (don't forget the alldoulas directory here, of course!).

www.cappa.net
www.dona.org
www.alace.net
www.doulaworld.com
www.doulanetwork.com

Also...if she has a Pregancy Care Center near her, they may have contacts with doulas who'll give free support. They also might be able to help out with support in her adoption situation, or at least, have the resources to find who can.

[~Tranquility~Doula]

I 2nd finding a doula-in-training to be with her. Maybe there is someone on this board that is in her area that could help her. If not, you can try looking on BellyWomen and searching the different orgs for doulas that are willing to help her out.

I am with Noelia and the other poster (oops forgot who it was) bellywomen.net is a great place to put out an ad for a free/cheap doula or search for one.

I would suggest also downloading some basic info on childbirth/labor from sites like transitiontoparenthood.com. This site has some good positions. You could help her try some too. It's all free.

Check out your local library too for birth books to borrow.

Something I like to encourage all my moms to remember is their BRAINS:

It stands for

B - benefits
R - risks
A - Alternatives
I - Intuition
N - Nothing
S - smile

If you tell her to apply Brains to any suggestion that is given to her, she can do this as simply as just asking her doctor ie:
Induction:
What are the benefits of induction
What are the risks
What are the alternatives
What does my gut feeling say
What would happen if I do nothing (this can be in the immediate future or long term)
If all else fails "smile" !!

I think this gives people the opportunity to ask questions without being pressurised and it is easy to remember even in the throes of labor.

So for me:
bellywomen.net
Positions and relaxation practice with you or someone similar
Simple information - see if you can get hold of some leaflets, I have some I can send on stuff like epidural, c/sections, induction just so she has the facts!
BRAINS !!!

Okay - CBE class over in a really tiny nutshell/
HTH
Rachel

[Need2read]

wow, that was great! I think the thing with my friend is that she kind of wants to forget the entire situation, denial kind of thing. I feel like when I speak with her she is the same girl I have always known. I explained to her what a Doula is and that I found someone through bellywomen.net that I could contact or she could contact herself and she said "sure" but ended up forgetting about it and is supposed to be "due" in the next few days, and if she doesn't go into labor then she is getting induced. I'm scared for her, but at the same time I feel like she isn't doing enough for herself.

ie. She told me that her obstetrician is a real asshole, saying things like "so do you know when you concieved..well nevermind I am sure you don't even know his name" He is EXTREMELY rude and says things like that at her visits. I told her she should think about getting a different care provider but she "didn't want to so late in the pregnancy"

I think it is sort of out of my hands, which is frustrating but it is her life and I am supporting her...

Wow, that must be really tough for you.
Perhaps it is time now to just let her know you are there if she does need anything and quietly retire. You have helped her and tbh, we can only help women as much as they want to be helped.

You've done a great job.

Sorry meant to say, that perhaps it is her way of dealing with the detachment of adoption of the baby. She is not keeping her baby and for her, perhaps she doesn't really care deep down what happens? It could be a reaction? If she doesn't take responsiblity for her birth, she doesn't need to be responsible for the outcome either. Perhaps she feels (now that is) that this is the best way for her to deal with not taking her baby home and dealing with it. Perhaps if she knows that she has a waiting ear in you, she may eventually divuldge this kind of info in years to come. Probably when she has a baby that she is able to keep.
I am not saying this is how everyone deals with adoption, but it is probably a grieving process in some way and people manifest grief in all kinds of manners.
Good luck

[Need2read]

I really can't thank you all enough for your thoughts and suggestions.