I'm doula-ing for my sister and she is 36 weeks pregnant. I've been really worried about her lately. She doesn't seem to be ready for birth or a baby at all. It seems like she's in denial. There is no nesting at all going on. She lost what could have been her mucous plug last week and she still doesn't even have everything she needs for the baby. I'm not talking extras, I'm talking about necessities like diapers, clothes, and a few other important things. The thing is, I've offered her a ton of clothes and she has yet to come over and get them - it's been months since I've offered them.
She hasn't kept her prenatal appointment with me and we still haven't even gone over what she wants for her labor. She doesn't start her childbirth classes until she is almost 39 weeks pregnant and it is a 6 week series. I think she's only taking them because I urged her too and they are free. I'm worried about her. Is there anything I can do to help get her ready? I'm really trying but it seems like she doesn't want to prepare for the baby.
She doesn't handle pain well AT ALL so I think preparation is really important for her. I'm just at a loss for what to do. I feel like she's in for a big shock and possible post partum depression if she does not prepare better. HELP me help her!
Man, that sounds like a really tough situation. IT definitely sounds like your sister is in some major denial. Did she want this baby? It seems like you're doing everything you can to help your sister and she doesn't want the help. I would offer to come over to her house and help her get stuff ready for the baby. Maybe put the crib (if she has one) together and get blankets together. Instead of waiting for her to come over and get the baby stuff you're going to give her, why don't you bring them over to her. Could she possibly have prenatal depression. I can't remember the term for that...is it Antenatal Depression??
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Totally agree. I say instead of waiting for her to make some kind of "move" so-to-speak, you make the move for her. Call her in enough time that she doesn't feel like you are pushing yourself on her, but not enough time (like days) for her to make up an excuse that you can't come by, then bring over the stuff that you've got for her. Make sure the clothes and blankets are washed so that she doesn't have to worry about that. Then maybe mention that you've washed them in Dreft, or whatever, and tell her that it is reccomended for newborns since their skin is so sensitive, and maybe even give her a little bottle. That way she's not thinking, "great......now I have to go buy new detergent, too?"
My question would also be, "did she want this baby?" I would be worried, too, that she will have pp depression because I agree that it sounds like she is already depressed. Hey...she's your sister....just ask her point blank..."is something wrong? I thought you'd be excited that the baby's arrival is so close, but you seem kind of down. Is there something I can do? You KNOW you can talk, to me, right ((NAME))?"
Sorry...other than prayers, that's all I've got! Let us know how it goes!
Ashli
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She did not plan the baby and was very upset when she found out she was pregnant. She wasn't at all prepared and was still living with my mother at the time. She does have a supportive boyfriend and they've since gotten their own place. She seemed to be ok with having a baby for a while. She went to the library and got a bunch of books on pregnancy, etc. Then it all stopped.
I have been over he house to help her set up the baby's room and we put together her travel system and the pack n play. She doesn't have much else besides that. I guess I should drop in on her this weekend to drop off the clothes. I think she may have depression, she's a really sensitive person and lets a lot of things get to her. I'm going to try to encourage her to talk about how she's feeling. I have asked her if she's feeling ready and she says "NO!" Luckily I live close to her and I'm back to being a SAHM so I can help her. I just don't want to help her too much because I want her to get used to being a mom too.
As hard as it might be you need to also remember that this is her body, her birth, and her baby. Sometimes it is hard to draw those lines when it is our family and someone we love, but would you be pushing so hard if this was a client? What would you do if she was a total stranger?
I know when I was my sister's doula I had to remind myself that her and I are at different places in our lives and had to remind myself that she was a doula client as well as my sister. That meant when I was in the role of doula that is where I stayed and when I was in the role of sister that is where I stayed. It was hard to separate the two roles, but I did it and I think it made my sister's birth much better. I let her be the laboring mother and do things her way. I educated her as much as I could and then she chose her path - which is what it sounds like your sister needs to do. This is her journey into motherhood and perhaps taking a step back might be a good thing to do. Even though you think she isn't ready that is her role and her choice. If she needs more stuff after the baby comes then she will need to make arrangements to get them.
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Don't worry too much Jillian. A lot of times women behave this way but when it comes down to brass tacks, and they actually have the baby to care for, they rise to the occasion. Sometimes it doesn't happen but I have seen it happen more times then not. Maybe just take her out for a girls day out, get pedicures together or something NOT related to baby/pregnancy. She might feel she is loosing herself and who she is and now is supposed to be someone's mother instead, though she doesn't feel like someone's mother. Maybe letting her know that those are feelings that develope AS you are caring for your baby a lot of times instead of just magically appearing with the pregnancy. Good luck. She is lucky to have someone who cares for her.
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I agree with Georganne...maybe ask her if she wants to go for a girl's day out (cause you know it'll be a while before she can go out, alone, again) and when you go to pick her up take some clothes, blankets and baby goodies and suggest you get away from all the 'baby stuff' for a while. Go get pampered (cause both of you deserve it!), go to her favorite place for lunch and maybe a movie. Maybe not feeling under pressure to accept all this responsibility and make a bunch of choices and answer questions now will help her relax and open. You never know, maybe lunch would turn out to be your prenatal.
And I KNOW it's hard when your sister is expecting and your philosophies don't jive. Been there, done that. As hard as it can be, just try to remove your self from the official 'doula' title and just be her supportive sister instead. This is the birth of your niece or nephew and you don't want to miss out on this awesome opportunity worrying about how your sister will handle things. Little sisters can surprise us at times (I am assuming she's younger...maybe she's not ) and she may just rise to the occasion like G said when she sees her little bundle. Plus, she doesn't really need a whole lot...some boobs, her bed and a couple of cozy blankets around the house. (Baby stuff is really cute and nice but when it comes down to the nitty gritty with those 3 things and some diapers, she's all set!)
Good luck, sweetie! Please keep us posted. I know how stressful this can be. Just remember to take care of yourself and your little one as well
Thanks for all the advice. I guess I'm just overprotective of her. She's my little sister (5 yrs younger) and I've always looked out for her so I can't help but be concerned. I really want her transition into motherhood to be as smooth as possible. She's always been really sensitive, easily stressed, and quick to breakdown so I'm scared for her. She's fragile.
Ever since my last post and all of the replies I got I realized that I did need to put my own beliefs in check and respect her choices. I think I've done a really good job with that. I just get the feeling that something is "off" with her. I don't know, something just doesn't feel right. She might be stopping by tonight so I'm gonna make sure nothing is bothering her. I honestly think that she's just really scared to become a mother, in so many ways she's still just a child herself. Yeah she's 23, but she's always been a little behind for her age. Even as a child she was held back in school and always behind the other kids. She was in special needs classes for a while. My mother and I always kind of baby'd her because of this.
Now I'm just rambling. Anyway, I'm gonna ask her if there is anything bothering her tonight when she stops by and see what I can do to help her. I'm struggling with whether to protect her or let her learn things for herself. I feel like I'm her mother sometimes!
I agree with 1stimestar and Fearless...helping her to realise that you don't lose your identity when you become a mother is so important. I felt that way for a long time. I'm 23 and I am now pregnant with my 3rd baby, so while sometimes I feel like my identity IS a mom, a realize that being a mom just became part of who I already was.
Figuring out where to draw the line is difficult, but I have to respectfully disagree with you, tcldoula...what if she WAS, a client? a total stranger? Does that somehow make them less important or less needing of support and encouragement? Not trying to start anything,(), I'm just saying that while we are trying to put things in prospective, it's kind of like saying that you would give some one food and a way to get to shelter or a soup kitchen, even if they didn't ask for that help, but just because you knew them. But, if you didn't know them, that you should leave them be and let them figure it out on their own...what happens a couple days later when you find out that they starved or froze in the cold? I know it sounds much more sever, but how does she know that her sister isn't "starving" for help or is "freezing" in her fear, but doesn't know how to ask? I would never want to cross boundaries with my sister as far as interfearing with her ideal birth, but, it feels to me, this reaches much deeper than simply not intriduing on her birthing plans, and I couldn't let that go. Just my Again, all with respect!
Ash
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Well, she just called to re-schedule again Now she's rescheduling for tomorrow, and I have a feeling she'll call tomorrow to reschedule again. I've told her several times that she does not have to have me as her doula if she does not want to. Ive told her that we do not have to have a prenatal to go over her birth plans (we haven't even had one yet and she's 36 weeks). I just don't get why she keeps scheduling new appointments only to cancel at the last minute. She cancels after she's supposed to be here, and sometimes does not call or show altogether. If she were not my sister I surely would have dropped her as a client because of her disrespect of my time. It's getting frustrating.
If she cancels again tomorrow I am going to be really upset. She's cancelled at least 4 times so far. I'm really not sure what is going on with her but she swears she wants me as her doula. Her actions aren't matching her words.
Figuring out where to draw the line is difficult, but I have to respectfully disagree with you, tcldoula...what if she WAS, a client? a total stranger? Does that somehow make them less important or less needing of support and encouragement? Ash
I think you might have misunderstood my post because I never said that you should treat them different, but said that the roles are different. The role of a sister is one of unconditional love and the role of a doula is a professional role. To me the roles are very different. If she was a total stranger or a client - you bet your bottom dollar I would respect their wishes. If they chose not to prepare for their baby I would NEVER push them. I would step back and respect the boundaries. If someone doesn't own all the baby stuff that I feel they need and I would not be pushing them to purchase things or get ready. I might suggest to a client that they might want to start considering purchasing things like diapers or clothes, but I wouldn't push them to do so. I wouldn't continue to tell them that I had stuff for them or that they needed to buy it. I would respect them if I talked with them about it and they still chose not to do it.
I think it is VERY important to remember that everyone prepares for birth in their own time. Who are we to say that she isn't doing it the right way. After all, don't we teach women to follow their instincts? If that is the case her instincts aren't forcing her to nest, so who are we to say that she should be doing so right now? Maybe she will never nest or maybe it will take her some time to fall into the mother role, or maybe she will fall into it before her baby comes or after her baby comes. We should not judge, but instead support and back off if they do not want the help. It is all about respect.
Just like childbirth education classes - if my clients choose not to take them I respect that. I will let them know why the particular class might be right, but I would then let it go if they didn't want to take the class. As a sister I would push more and probably be more in my sister's business and more involved.
I also think one important thing here is that it doesn't seem like her sister has asked for all this help. If you read what Jilian wrote she said she feels the need to protect her sister. She feels her sister is "fragile." She even said she sometimes feels like she is her sister's mother. As doulas we do not treat out clients this way. I would never be one of my client's mothers or even try to be.
Well, she just called to re-schedule again Now she's rescheduling for tomorrow, and I have a feeling she'll call tomorrow to reschedule again. I've told her several times that she does not have to have me as her doula if she does not want to. Ive told her that we do not have to have a prenatal to go over her birth plans (we haven't even had one yet and she's 36 weeks). I just don't get why she keeps scheduling new appointments only to cancel at the last minute.
Maybe she just wants her sister to be there and not her sister "doula." I think you can attend her birth without going over what she wants for her birth and without doing prenatals (I do this at every single birth that I do for my hospital job and it works out).
Why not ask her about it? Find out if she wants to be treated like a doula client or would rather be treated as a sister and would like her sister at her birth. Like I said before separate those roles and find out which one she wants because the two roles can be viewed very differently.
I also think one important thing here is that it doesn't seem like her sister has asked for all this help.
That is the tricky part, she did ask me for help. She is the one who initially asked me to be her doula, I never offered. I let her know up front that if she needed any baby items all she had to do was ask and I would lend them to her, she was the one who asked me about the baby clothes and I offered to get them together for her. She calls me every other day or so saying "I need to come get those baby clothes" then never does. It's weird. I guess if she really wanted them she would have gotten them by now, but the fact that she keeps bringing them up confuses me. She is very much a people-pleaser type so maybe she thinks my feelings would be hurt if she did not ask me to be her doula or did not ask to borrow the clothes? That is my only guess.
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Originally Posted by tlcdoula
If you read what Jilian wrote she said she feels the need to protect her sister. She feels her sister is "fragile." She even said she sometimes feels like she is her sister's mother. As doulas we do not treat out clients this way. I would never be one of my client's mothers or even try to be.
This is all true, I really do feel this way and always have. I would never treat another client this way but the fact that she is my sister changes things. I think she really probably does want her sister at the birth and not "her sister the doula". I think you really hit the nail on the head there. I'll have to ask her about that and see what she says.
This is all true, I really do feel this way and always have. I would never treat another client this way but the fact that she is my sister changes things. I think she really probably does want her sister at the birth and not "her sister the doula". I think you really hit the nail on the head there. I'll have to ask her about that and see what she says.
I can totally understand because I was my sister's doula. My sister is the type that never prepped for anything - just like yours. She wanted me there, but didn't want to do the prenatals, create a birth plan, take classes, etc. It was hard for me, but I met her where she was at. She ended up having the birth she wanted - not one I would have had, but I allowed her to do that. The funny thing is that one year after she had her dd she came to me and we talked. I could see she grew and changed in her thoughts and beliefs. She was glad I let her do what she wanted and respected her, but also saw how things could have been better. For my sister, having another baby is not an option because she had a tubal, but she views her last birth as a good one - she had me there, and I respected her wishes and desires (boy, oh boy was that hard too LOL)
You are in a difficult situation. But I think you are doing an awsome job. Sounds like your sister is in a bit of denial, but the good thing is babies come out, whether mom is in denial or not!! To some women it just does not seem real until they have the babe in their arms, or even after that! Let her know you are here to help her, but remember women have been having babies long before the invention of birth plans, prenatal classes, etc. In those days there were no "doulas" only mothers, grandmothers, aunts, friends and SISTERS. Worry about her, love her, be there for her. Everything you are doing!
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) and she may just rise to the occasion like G said when she sees her little bundle. Plus, she doesn't really need a whole lot...some boobs, her bed and a couple of cozy blankets around the house. (Baby stuff is really cute and nice but when it comes down to the nitty gritty with those 3 things and some diapers, she's all set!)
Does that somehow make them less important or less needing of support and encouragement? Not trying to start anything,(
), I'm just saying that while we are trying to put things in prospective, it's kind of like saying that you would give some one food and a way to get to shelter or a soup kitchen, even if they didn't ask for that help, but just because you knew them. But, if you didn't know them, that you should leave them be and let them figure it out on their own...what happens a couple days later when you find out that they starved or froze in the cold? I know it sounds much more sever, but how does she know that her sister isn't "starving" for help or is "freezing" in her fear, but doesn't know how to ask? I would never want to cross boundaries with my sister as far as interfearing with her ideal birth, but, it feels to me, this reaches much deeper than simply not intriduing on her birthing plans, and I couldn't let that go. Just my 
Again, all with respect!
Now she's rescheduling for tomorrow, and I have a feeling she'll call tomorrow to reschedule again. I've told her several times that she does not have to have me as her doula if she does not want to. Ive told her that we do not have to have a prenatal to go over her birth plans (we haven't even had one yet and she's 36 weeks). I just don't get why she keeps scheduling new appointments only to cancel at the last minute. She cancels after she's supposed to be here, and sometimes does not call or show altogether. If she were not my sister I surely would have dropped her as a client because of her disrespect of my time. It's getting frustrating. 
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