Past client reaching out - What would you do?

[tlcdoula]

A few weeks back one of my past postpartum doula clients started to e-mail me. Her baby is now over a year old. Here is some history on the situation. She first interviewed with me for labor doula services, but her husband felt that a doula wasn't necessary since he was going to be there and couldn't imagine paying someone the going rate. At the time I was willing to lower my fee because I know this mother wanted it badly, but even the lowered rate was more than dad wanted to pay me. Fast forward to a week after the baby is born when she calls me and asks me to work with her in her postpartum period. I am not really doing postpartum work, but agree because I know she is struggling and this isn't going to be a good situation. I lowered my rate again - going much lower than I typically do and did only a few hours for a few weeks. While I am there I learn that her birth was a disaster and she is struggling so bad with depression (within the first week it was horrible). They were working hard at finding her a therapist and she is very detached from the baby and everything was a crisis for her. She finally started counseling and my time with them ended when the baby was a few weeks old. I didn't hear from her again until a couple of weeks ago.

So a couple of weeks ago she writes me and tells me how bad things still are. She stopped seeing the therapist a few months into it and still is struggling so terribly. The only difference is that now panic attacks are accompanying her other problems. She then called me one day when I was at a college event with my oldest daughter and left a horrible message on my machine that had me panicked. I tried to call her back all morning terrified that she might be completely losing it. I got her on the phone several hours later and she told me she was with her therapist and asked me to call her back that night. When I called her back she was very "needy" and kept going on and on about how she wanted to talk to me. I didn't want to see mean or inconsiderate, but this week was finals week for me and my family was struggling with not seeing me and me with not seeing them. I had planned to take the girls to the park today and out to eat and just to have fun. She wanted to meet and I have learned that I cannot do everything free for everyone and either I was going to have to charge her (which would have felt strange) or she would have to meet me where I was at. I suggested she meet me at the park and bring the baby. She was all for the idea and my thinking was that we could talk while I was also able to spend time with my family.

She showed up at the park without the baby and told me that he was tired. Later admitting to me that the park had too many germs for her son to be around. The entire time she was there she kept asking me questions that were out of my scope of practice - heck even out of what I know!!! She was asking me things that she needed to ask her therapist and I kept telling her that too. She would say things like "well, how long do you think it will take before the medication takes affect?" She just started back on meds and so I would say "did you ask your doctor?" or "what did your doctor say? I don't know anything about medications." She then asked about side effects which again I told her she had to ask her doctor as I am not a doctor and do not know.

After about an hour I was pretty much done at the park and the whole situation felt so strange to me. I told her that I had to go and take the girls out to lunch (thankfully they were also saying they were hungry, so I wasnt' lying). She thanked me, hugged me and said she would like to stay in contact.

I don't want to sound mean, but I don't have many friends for a reason. I don't have time for a huge social life. The people that are my friends in real life know this and accept that I am their friend, but that I cannot meet them regularly or talk to them daily on the phone. I really am not insensitive and do feel for this woman, but I am afraid that this is going to become a "friendship" that I do not have time for. She kept saying how just talking to someone makes her feel better and that she has no one left to talk to anymore (I suggested that her therapist would be a great person to talk to about her issues.).

Okay, so why am I sharing this? Don't really know. Just needed to get it out. Thanks for listening.

[1stimestar]

Needy clients teach us how to set boundries, something that we all must learn how to do sooner or later. As much as you feel for this woman, it was her choice to not hire you and get the full benifits of your knowledge and experience. She can't get that opportunity back. It was her choice. It is not something you have control over or even need to feel guilty about. Mention to her that your BUSINESS is just that, a business. It takes time and energy away from your family and so you must be compensated for it. It also may be her way of getting back at her husband for not "allowing" her a doula. "See what you did by not allowing me a doula? Now I'm a mess." Hopefully she will get the hint that you are not a therepist, and don't pretend to be one on tv, as the saying goes. If she wants postpartum support she needs to vocalize that and compensate you for your time. I don't mean to sound unfeeling about her situation but her situation is not your fault. Good luck.

[tlcdoula]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1stimestar Needy clients teach us how to set boundries, something that we all must learn how to do sooner or later. As much as you feel for this woman, it was her choice to not hire you and get the full benifits of your knowledge and experience. She can't get that opportunity back. It was her choice. It is not something you have control over or even need to feel guilty about. Mention to her that your BUSINESS is just that, a business. It takes time and energy away from your family and so you must be compensated for it. It also may be her way of getting back at her husband for not "allowing" her a doula. "See what you did by not allowing me a doula? Now I'm a mess." Hopefully she will get the hint that you are not a therepist, and don't pretend to be one on tv, as the saying goes. If she wants postpartum support she needs to vocalize that and compensate you for your time. I don't mean to sound unfeeling about her situation but her situation is not your fault. Good luck.

I totally agree and the hard part for me is that this is well over a year after her baby was born. If it was weeks or a few months heck I know how to set those boundaries, but this is just plain weird!

[1stimestar]

Ah yes. So how about just asking her what it is she expects you to be able to do for her.

[tlcdoula]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1stimestar Ah yes. So how about just asking her what it is she expects you to be able to do for her.

I did ask her that and she said she just wants someone to listen to her because her family and friends won't anymore. That is all she wants is someone to listen to her and talk back to her to keep her occupied. Unfortunately though I can't do that regularly. Plus I think the stuff she wants to talk about is something she needs to talk about with her therapist, and I told her that too.

[MyDoulaStacia]

You know Michelle, I actually have a similar situation that I am going though right now.
I don't always answer the calls (I've been caught off guard too many times) but when I do I have to dig deep to deal with the issues.
As hard as it is I've had to come to the realization that we cannot fix these women or their problems. Sounds harsh doesn't it? But it's true. They feel better for the moment unloading on us and then we take their stress.
I finally just had to let the mom know that I cannot take the stress from the situation into my family and a professional (her terapist) is the one who can best help.
Does she still call me occasionally? You bet, but she knows I am not going to solve her problems and it is a big weight off my shoulders.

[newbirth]

If she is truly looking for someone to talk with, have you tried giving her contact numbers for area playgroups or mom's groups? She might be able to find someone in a similar situation to develop a friendship with.

She is definitely asking too much of you. I hope you will be able to find a solution that works for you both.

[sacredma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by tlcdoula I did ask her that and she said she just wants someone to listen to her because her family and friends won't anymore. That is all she wants is someone to listen to her and talk back to her to keep her occupied. Unfortunately though I can't do that regularly. Plus I think the stuff she wants to talk about is something she needs to talk about with her therapist, and I told her that too.

This is a hard one because we picked this field because we all seem to have a tremendous amount of empathy and compassion, especially towards other women.
You can tell her that you are not qualified professionally to answer her questions and she needs to talk to her therapist.
If you think you can help her, you can mention to her that if she wants to talk to you that you can for a fee and then offer her a list of local support groups in the area.
If she really wants to get help she will make the right choices for herself.
I think it is always a red flag when we charge too little for something because we know how badly the woman "wants our service"
I think there is a way to get the money for something that is important to us, even if the husband didn't want to pay. think about it, i know if i wanted something badly enough, and i am usually in a situation with very little money, i figure out how to get the money. so please ladies, never sell yourself short! there are some situations that i think we truly know in our hearts that we want to do for less, or no money, but i think this type of situation you are talking about is not one of those.
mavis

[newbirth]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sacredma i know if i wanted something badly enough, and i am usually in a situation with very little money, i figure out how to get the money. so please ladies, never sell yourself short! there are some situations that i think we truly know in our hearts that we want to do for less, or no money, but i think this type of situation you are talking about is not one of those. mavis

You are so right! I am always wondering how I'm going to pay for something. We are fairly low income, qualify for food stamps, etc. But we manage. Somehow it always works out, even if we have to set up a payment plan. For instance, with my last baby, we decided we wanted the support of a midwife instead of doing it unassisted as we'd done the previous one. My midwife charged $1500, and by the time we decided to hire her, I was over halfway through my pregnancy. We told her how much we could have before the birth, and she said that would be acceptable and would put us on payment plan after. We also knew that with 5, we'd need a bigger van, and our old van was about to conk anyway. The heater didn't even work anymore, and in WI, that's a big deal.

So, we filed our taxes, and when our check came discovered a van we could buy outright, still pay off what we owed the midwife and a little left over to put toward a few other bills. Whether you believe in luck or divine providence, you just can't plan to find a decent running vehicle for the $3000 we got it for, for a family of 7! And I didn't have to short the midwife, or my desires for my birth.

[MindOverLaborDoulas]

Bekah.. right here with ya!!
Sarah and I found a trick! When we go into house and they say that they might not be able to afford our set fee, we look around... do they have an Xox, big tv, nice vehicles, etc? If the answer to any of them is yes, we will put them on a payment plan. Their nice stuff shows us that if they want something bad enough, they will sacrifice to get it. So we tell them that it's like layway at Wal-Mart!
Like us, we might not have money and live month to month, but I do have an '05 minivan (of course it was one of those loaded dealer vans that only had 18,000 miles on it so we got it for $15,000 when brand new it was $28,000) but the point is I will scrape up enough money every month so that I can have a nice new vehicle. You see what I mean? If someone wants something, they will not go out to eat, rent movies instead of going to the theater, go to yard sales and so on.

[lloyddoula]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sacredma This is a hard one because we picked this field because we all seem to have a tremendous amount of empathy and compassion, especially towards other women. You can tell her that you are not qualified professionally to answer her questions and she needs to talk to her therapist. If you think you can help her, you can mention to her that if she wants to talk to you that you can for a fee and then offer her a list of local support groups in the area. If she really wants to get help she will make the right choices for herself. I think it is always a red flag when we charge too little for something because we know how badly the woman "wants our service" I think there is a way to get the money for something that is important to us, even if the husband didn't want to pay. think about it, i know if i wanted something badly enough, and i am usually in a situation with very little money, i figure out how to get the money. so please ladies, never sell yourself short! there are some situations that i think we truly know in our hearts that we want to do for less, or no money, but i think this type of situation you are talking about is not one of those. mavis

I have to agree with the first comment on this message "we picked this field because we all seem to have a tremendous amount of empathy and compassion, especially towards other women."

People come into our lives for a season or a reason! Keep that in mind. To make things a little easier, don't think of yourself at all. Being selfless, is being Christ-like and where do you think you got the passion for what you do???

Imagine you heard about a woman committing suicide shortly after giving birth, only to find out it was this woman you knew....

I'm sure it will be a short lived situation that you will have to be in. God sent her to you. Remember to that you work for God, not yourself, not your family, not your mortgage etc...when people finally understand this, life finally all makes sense and is worth living/working for and is much more bearable.

Good luck and I hope for the best for you both.

[InnerPeace]

Quote:

Originally Posted by tlcdoula I did ask her that and she said she just wants someone to listen to her because her family and friends won't anymore. That is all she wants is someone to listen to her and talk back to her to keep her occupied. Unfortunately though I can't do that regularly. Plus I think the stuff she wants to talk about is something she needs to talk about with her therapist, and I told her that too.

Telling her to seek the help of a therapist is the way to go. She does need to speak with someone. I might even give her some numbers of low or no cost mental health providers in the area since it sounds like money might be an issue.

[tlcdoula]

Quote:

Originally Posted by newbirth If she is truly looking for someone to talk with, have you tried giving her contact numbers for area playgroups or mom's groups? She might be able to find someone in a similar situation to develop a friendship with. She is definitely asking too much of you. I hope you will be able to find a solution that works for you both.

Yes, she said she gets panic attacks going to groups and claims that her comfort with me comes from the fact that I helped her so long ago.

[tlcdoula]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sacredma I think there is a way to get the money for something that is important to us, even if the husband didn't want to pay. think about it, i know if i wanted something badly enough, and i am usually in a situation with very little money, i figure out how to get the money.

In the normal and general situation I would tend to believe you, but in the situation where the woman is so depressed and has little support I do not agree with you. I have had postpartum depression twice - the last time almost did me in and I know for a fact that when it was at its worst I couldn't even begin to think about anything let alone how to find money. All of my energy went into surviving so that I would be here for my children.

Now under normal circumstances yes I am a very resourceful and wise woman, but during deep depression that is a different story and I think it is something we all need to keep in mind.

[fearlessbirth]

What a situation!! I agree with most of what's been said by the other posters. You may the only person left who's not 'sick and tired' of her issues and is still willing to listen. I think you did the perfect thing by having her meet you where you were. I don't think you should feel bad or guilty for putting yourself and your family first. ESPECIALLY if she's not a paying or contracted client. I know that sounds awful but if your services weren't important enough for her to figure something out, then I wouldn't worry too much about it.