does anyone have ideas to involve dads prenatally?

doulagirl · 10-06-2007, 11:11 PM

hey everybody, i've been reading a lot of threads regarding prenatal appts etc, and it seems to be a common issue that some dads are just more interested and involved than others.

it makes sense to me that maybe the uninvolved ones just think the prenatal conversations aren't directed at them.

so, at the prenatals i would like to bring more articles regarding father's roles during labor and birth, and also add more books regarding fathers onto my reference list.

can anyone point me toward any references that might give a more varied approach to dads? i know about the penny simpkin article "dads and doulas", but are there any others out there that i haven't found that are pretty good? i'd love any help you wonderful doulas can give!

thanks!
cindy

delightfuldoula · 10-08-2007, 12:10 AM

This is a great question. I definitely have both kinds of dads at prenatals. I have one dad who sits next to mom and txt messages while we talk. I have to go out of my way to get him involved.
I find that the easiest ways for me are to talk about diet and ask dad directly how he thinks mom's diet is. Yes this puts moms in a slightly awkward position, but I also think it is good to feel a little uncomfortable because the same kinds of feelings come up during birth. This also leads to us talking about the roles of protecter that fathers often take on and how he can really feel like he is helping mom. A lot of times it also leads to a lot of laughter and/or chiding of mom and puts the dad in the role of making sure mom eats well/gets enough water. I have had a couple of moms say that their partners started cooking for them after we talked.
The other way is to start off getting physical with the couple and putting dad in positions that help mom. Right away he is forced to be active and some of the positions can also lead to laughter. I really want to gauge if dad is just bored, uninterested or maybe doesn't feel like he has a role yet. ykwim?

doulagirl · 10-10-2007, 04:29 PM

thanks for your response! i interviewed with a dad the other day who literally said "this doesn't have anything to do with me, it's all about her". arrrggh!

but i know that's a common misconception, and i'd love to help these guys understand that pregnancy, labor and delivery have a lot to do with them. it would be nice to encourage them in a way that is kind, loving, and helpful...and if that doesn't work i'll smack them on the back of the head!

delightfuldoula · 10-10-2007, 08:07 PM

Well, metaphorically speaking, sometimes they do need a good pounding before they get...those men.

What is worse, this scenario where the dad isn't involved, or the one where he thinks we are taking his place?

Intuitivedoula · 10-10-2007, 09:30 PM

The Birth Partner by Penny Simpkin is a great book for dads. I keep copies availabe for lending out. I think most men appreciate being given a book that is not written for the pregnant women, but for those supporting her. It helps to make them feel included, which is very important.

Carla

birthhands · 11-06-2007, 10:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AppleValleyDoula

I have had both dads. I guess personally, I don't care or judge whether dad is involved or not. More often I'm hired by women because they know in advance dad isn't going to be much help and they are ok with that. My husband is that way. He didn't get involved in my prenatal care at all but pulled thru at the birth. Everyone is different.
As for the dads that are involved, I start off my first prenatal with a quiz for both of them that they do separately without seeing each others answers and then compare their answers and we discuss them. Like how much does dad think labor hurts compared to mom. It's fun and gets conversations going. What fears he has about birth...how she thinks he can help the most.
Then at the second prenatal if dad is involved we do the positions, I show them the rebozo, we smell essential oils...

So what is on this quiz of which you speak? It sounds like a fab idea

AmieV · 12-12-2007, 04:13 PM

I just put together a handout that has that list of "How will I feel?" questions from the beginning of The Birth Partner, and on the reverse side is a list of concerns of the expectant father. I haven't had the opportunity to test drive it yet but I have a prenatal this weekend that I'm going to use to distribute this to a dad. there is also that 50 things you can do for a woman in labor list. I think that's helpful for dads.
I also think discussing what the mom currently does for pain/discomfort is helpful and maybe talking about how he could do massages or use other comfort measures during pregnancy, better prepares them for labor. Practicing positions where the father is supporting the mom could help, or if they're too uncomfortable to do that, at least leaving a pictorial handout of different positions that they "should" practice at home pre-birth. I think it's beneficial definitely if they've gone through and tried some of this stuff beforehand, even if they feel silly.

MothertheMother · 12-12-2007, 04:28 PM

I devoted an entire section of my binder just for dads. I found tons of articles either through babycenter.com or ivillage.

cathy · 12-16-2007, 09:29 PM

I have had mostly involved dads at prenatals but I make sure I make eye contact, smile, try to let them know how important they are to their wife during this process and ask them questions about their preparation and knowledge.

betterbirths · 12-16-2007, 09:53 PM

I have a couple of handouts that I give to partners specifically geared, to them to fill out and that helps get them involved

Doula Mary · 12-28-2007, 08:36 PM

New here...
I personally LOVE when dads want to be involved but they are all different...
I like to involve dad to HIS comfort level..thay means different things for different dads.
I tend to ask if dad has any wishes, concerns, desire or fears during the prenatal,.....about the labor and birth....MOST of the time..this tends to give me a window..on how much he wants to be involved.
I am there to assist dad...but I support moms wishes, some moms..don't want dad all that involved.
Mary

Keith Roberts · 02-05-2008, 02:27 PM

I do things a little differently, because I am a prenatal massage therapist. I do half of a massage and acquaint dads with some of the bony landmarks --this is body awareness so that he can do sacral counterpressure correctly at home before I join them at the hospital. And we practice the counterpressure several times with mother's cues of "starting" and "easing". In addition I go over use of the crockpot so dad can apply hot towels (very carefully) to his partner's lower back while they are at home. I want dad to know and practice some real, solid physical pain relief techniques he can use -- he needs to be able to use a lot more than just verbal encouragement to be helpful. Dads really respond well to the hands on practice, as they KNOW they will be of help when home labor begins and increases in intensity. Fathers know they will be appreciated -- they have just been empowered and it feels good to both partners.
I believe you do your greatest service when you find ways to empower both mother and father at their birth.
In the doula spirit,
Keith