Unsure about first prenatal meeting

DoulaMegz · 02-15-2008, 09:11 PM

So I'm feeling wierd about my first prenatal appointment with my first solo client. Not so much about her, we click, I like her, she's really chatty and very open. Just so easy to get along with.

Mamma's b/f, on the other hand, the father, he makes me REALLY nervous. Ok, so we're talking a no-income couple, the are living on assistance right now. She's very positive and looking forward to getting into school, getting a great job, and raising her baby. Wonderful. He was STONED OUT OF HIS MIND

when I was there and the house smelled like pot!

He's a felon, not working, clearly doing drugs...I just feel REALLY uncomfortable around him. I tried my best to connect, get a smile out of him, or even an actual word instead of a mumble, but he was either too stoned or just not interested. I don't know how to deal with him in future prenatal appointments. I know it's not about me, but I think he's a scum bag and would be totally OK if he just WENT AWAY! Mamma is holding out a lot of hope for him, he's trying to turn his life around, he's not dealing drugs anymore, all that jazz. I guess I'm a pessimist...this guy just smells rotten to me!
I guess I"m just trying to process the experience,

it was so strange. Mamma and I just clicked, we get along, she's really great and I'm looking forward to working with her. But not the daddy...he makes me nervous, really nervous. But I feel really committed to her...so I'm not going to dump her just because I don't like him even in the least. I don't know how to process this.

Kacy · 02-15-2008, 10:24 PM

Hmm, that seems pretty rough.

I'm sorry! If it were just the pot thing, I wouldn't care, but everything else seems a little... iffy. Normally I say "trust your instincts", and if your instincts are telling you to run far, far away from this man, I would. But, on the other hand, you say you're committed to this client and feel comfortable with her already. It's a tough situation.

Hopefully some of the other ladies will have some great advice for you. I'm not too fab with stuff like that

but I'm a good listener.

MamaMichelle · 02-15-2008, 10:26 PM

Wow, that is really weird. Maybe you could suggest meeting at your place or somewhere else for prenatal appointments. You are committed to mom so keep your focus with her. It sounds like this mom REALLY needs you! If you're lucky dad will be too stoned to attend the birth....... JUST KIDDING!

DoulaMegz · 02-16-2008, 12:55 AM

I wouldn't say I fear him, or fear for my safety, but he leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I want him to be a good man because this Mamma is SO committed to turning her life around...I'm instantly feeling like protecting her so she can succeed! Turd, I don't think I would be so disappointed if he were too stoned to show up at the birth...j/k...or am I?

MamaMichelle · 02-16-2008, 01:17 AM

Yeah, I wouldn't be either.

joanna_b · 02-16-2008, 02:00 AM

I work with a lot of dads like this (when they are even involved). He might surprise you come birthing time. A lot of dads seem to get a "reality check" as the pregnancy comes to an end and start to become more involved. But, he could stay the same. I've seen that too and as sad as it makes me, I have to remember that I did my part to support and help mom and that is all I can do.

That being said, if you have a bad feeling about him, then you need to pass on the client. You just might not be the doula for them and there is nothing wrong with that. It's just the way it goes sometimes.

Should you keep her as your client, you have to support her decision to have him there. I'm sure he can sense your feelings for him so try to become more neutral. Besides that, the mom might really feel like she needs him at the birth, no matter what his condition is, and if you give off a negative energy towards him, she will sense that and it could cause some friction. It might be a dysfunctional relationship, but it is their relationship and like it or not, there is nothing you can do to change it.

Ask the mom what her "ideal" labor would be like. Who is there and what are they doing? What are her expectations for the birth? What does she not want to happen? This is the time that most of my moms will tell the dads exactly what their expectations are of them. Once that info is out there, the dad can then make a decision about what he wants to do.

If mom wants him to be involved in the birth, and he wants to be there too, try to give him some hands on "jobs" to do. Define his roles for the birth. The few dads I have worked with seemed to really like having responsibilities over heating the rice pack, getting mom ice, giving mom chapstick and making sure mom drinks water. I think they like these because they are no pressure and still "allow" them to leave the room if they need a bit of a break. It makes mom happy because she sees dad being involved. Show them some positioning and breathing exercises. This can get him involved, especially if you show them the "slow dance" and the dangle position. (It's at this point that most moms will tell the dads that they better not show up smelling like smoke or pot and they better not be stoned or drunk. For the most part, the dads have listened and respected mom's wishes.) I think it's a lot easier for the dads to get involved when they are doing something hands on and not just sitting, listening to us talk. They tune out so quickly so it's important to keep them engaged and keeping them moving seems to do this.

If you don't want to meet with the mom with the dad around, I would meet at a more neutral location. Maybe there's a study room at your library or a quiet coffee shop you could go to?

But, again, if you don't feel comfortable, I think you should pass on this client. You need to be 100% for this mom and you can't do that if you are distracted by the dad. Plus, I firmly believe a woman's instinct is very strong and should not be ignored.

Good luck!

doula Michele · 02-16-2008, 08:41 AM

Follow your heart and do what you feel is right, but hopefully if you mom really click then it sounds like she can really use your positive enery. You may be the 'stable' person at her labour, and who knows what else is going on in the relationship, but you may be what she needs to help her reach not only her birth goals but her life goals.
That being said....you need to protect yourself. If being in the house scares you in any way, try to meet in a more neutral location. Also trust your gut, if something feels weird, find an excuse to leave.
But it sounds like she needs your support and something stable and maybe consistant.