How do you convince the dads?

heartsopenwide · 06-18-2007, 10:01 AM

I am not sure if this is the correct place for this post. I do not have a trick to trade but a trick request... I am not a doula yet...still trying to figure out a DL doula course that can fit with my busy nursing school schedule. I was wondering however, how do you convince the dads? I had a friend who was pregnant. We all offered to get her a doula for a gift. Her husband however would not allow it because he said that was his job (to support). How do you explain to dad the wonderful things you do is not "taking away his job" ?

Kacy · 06-18-2007, 11:55 AM

At the interview I just attended, I gave the couple a handout called "Dads & Doulas", which basically explained the myths regarding what a doula does and doesn't do in regards to the partner. It wasn't really needed in this case, though, because the dad was all for it!

I would just explain that no one can replace him, and that having you around will actually enhance his experience because you can offer him comfort, suggestions about what to do, a little break here and there without feeling like he's abandoning mom, etc.

dorothyh · 06-18-2007, 12:28 PM

During the interview, I also use the "Dads and Doulas" handout, and talk about my role, his role, explain that I am not there to take his place, but to make it easier for him to support his wife/SO. I talk about how my presence takes a lot of pressure off of him, that he doesn't have to try to remember all the breathing, what to do for relaxation, what to do if mom has back labor, what positions to try, etc. He can totally focus on being there for his wife, without having to try to remember everything he learned in childbirth class, and I can give him suggestions at the time to implement all of the above. I also have some dhs of previous clients who have offered to be references for dads-to-be who are not sure about this doua thing, and all of the dad references were skeptical at first, but at the end they were SO thankful I was there.

I also have a short tv clip that I Tivo-ed and now have on my computer from a Discovery Health Kids show (of all things!!) It is a 4 minute clip that talks about what doulas do, and shows a doula working with a couple, and interviews the dad at the end, and the dad talks about how at first he thought that the doula would interfere with the intamacy, etc. but how the doula did not interfere at all, and made it so much easier for him, and how glad he was that they hired a doula.

The Special Woman DVD is great too, and shows dads and doulas working together - it's about 1/2 hour long.

ama2j · 06-18-2007, 02:55 PM

I give my dads referrals to call (other dads) just as I give the moms mom referrals. I've not had a doubtful dad question whether I'm necessary since I started doing that.

Doula hugs,
Sara

MIA-D · 06-18-2007, 05:14 PM

I have one of these questions too except mine is about a mom. This gal I am working on trying to hire me is a single mom but her mom will be there. I think that mom is a little worried that she is going to be outplaced. I think mom is just a little overwhelmed because her daughter was supposed to go live with the baby's father but they just decided not to and she got used to thinking that she wasn't going to be there and now she is so...

tlcdoula · 06-18-2007, 06:41 PM

Honestly I never try to "convince" anyone that they need me. I present to them how I can help mom, how I can help dad, and how I can help dad to help mom. I discuss the benefits of a doula and then leave it at that. I think it is important that no one is talked into anything and that as a couple this might be one of the first steps they need to get through in learning how to agree, disagree, and to start out their parenting. I believe that they need to come to the conclusions on what is right for them and that it isn't my job to force myself onto anyone.

douladot · 06-18-2007, 07:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dorothyh

During the interview, I also use the "Dads and Doulas" handout, and talk about my role, his role, explain that I am not there to take his place, but to make it easier for him to support his wife/SO. I talk about how my presence takes a lot of pressure off of him, that he doesn't have to try to remember all the breathing, what to do for relaxation, what to do if mom has back labor, what positions to try, etc. He can totally focus on being there for his wife, without having to try to remember everything he learned in childbirth class, and I can give him suggestions at the time to implement all of the above. I also have some dhs of previous clients who have offered to be references for dads-to-be who are not sure about this doua thing, and all of the dad references were skeptical at first, but at the end they were SO thankful I was there.

This is exactly how I approach it and have never had a dad "not for it" in the end.

doula Michele · 06-18-2007, 11:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tlcdoula

Honestly I never try to "convince" anyone that they need me. I present to them how I can help mom, how I can help dad, and how I can help dad to help mom. I discuss the benefits of a doula and then leave it at that. I think it is important that no one is talked into anything and that as a couple this might be one of the first steps they need to get through in learning how to agree, disagree, and to start out their parenting. I believe that they need to come to the conclusions on what is right for them and that it isn't my job to force myself onto anyone.

yup me too....I don't try to convince. I be myself, answer questions, and just have a visit. I am usually hired.

Usually after they talk to me, the dad will say ' hey whatever makes it easier for her is fine with me".

DoulaCBE · 06-19-2007, 02:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tlcdoula

Honestly I never try to "convince" anyone that they need me. I present to them how I can help mom, how I can help dad, and how I can help dad to help mom. I discuss the benefits of a doula and then leave it at that. I think it is important that no one is talked into anything and that as a couple this might be one of the first steps they need to get through in learning how to agree, disagree, and to start out their parenting. I believe that they need to come to the conclusions on what is right for them and that it isn't my job to force myself onto anyone.

I find that once I explain how doulas help dad to help mom they're usually sold.

granola_mom · 06-19-2007, 11:19 PM

I like the handout "The Doula and the Partner: How they work together to help the birthing woman", by Penny Simkin. I love Simkin!

granola_mom · 06-19-2007, 11:21 PM

Also want to add that I have handed this out to a couple of dads but also one clients mother, and she found it helpful!

heather_c · 06-20-2007, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tlcdoula

Honestly I never try to "convince" anyone that they need me. I present to them how I can help mom, how I can help dad, and how I can help dad to help mom. I discuss the benefits of a doula and then leave it at that. I think it is important that no one is talked into anything and that as a couple this might be one of the first steps they need to get through in learning how to agree, disagree, and to start out their parenting. I believe that they need to come to the conclusions on what is right for them and that it isn't my job to force myself onto anyone.

I totally agree with the above. I do not want there to be any animosity in the birthing room because of my presence, because someone was convinced to have me there. IME, all of the partners I have worked with felt no concern (only thankfulness

) with my attendance at the birth because we had outlined roles prior to the birth.