I've been emailing with a potential client and she has mentioned they want their 4yo son at the birth (in a birth center) but might need someone to watch him during the birth... I'm not sure how to approach this because I feel that I am first and foremost a doula, not a babysitter. :-/ She doesn't want to leave him with anyone, she definitely has options, but she wants him at the birth. I'm not by any means against siblings at birth but isn't another family member typically there to care for them while Mom and Dad are busy? I haven't been to a birth with siblings before so I'm not sure what is typically happens but there's something about all of this that makes me feel slightly uneasy. It might also be that they're asking for a reduced rate. I'm just wondering if they're going to value me as a doula? We are meeting in person this week so I can get a better idea of things, but I hate to turn down a birth because business has been slow lately!

As a doula, experienced nanny, and birthing assistant at a birth center, I would tell your client that she needs to hire separate childcare for her son. He needs to have someone available to leave with him should he at any point be a hindrance to the labor, someone that isn't part of her birth team (partner, doula, etc). No one knows when she'll go into labor and if she has to go to the birth center at 3am who will be in charge of caring for him? As a doula, you can't properly do your job if it's expected that you are to care for him as well.

And as a BC worker, small children have to be supervised at all times. There are a lot of supplies in those birthing rooms that may look interesting and fun to play with to 4 years olds and the last thing the staff want is to chase after an unsupervised child who is making a mess. And yes I understand that some 4 year old's are absolute angels (blah blah blah) but it's a matter of safety and liability for all parties concerned.

Thank you for your response. I feel the same way, just wasn't sure how to say it. I hadn't considered middle of the night labor or him getting into stuff at the BC! I will be sure to bring all of this up at our meeting this week, it's possible she hadn't considered them either. Or she has, and she just thinks I'll be the one to take care of it!

Yes you need to clarify whether she is hiring you to be a doula or hiring you to be a child care provider. You can't really do both.

I just wanted to update this thread. I had a meeting with her and her husband last night and I think it will work out. I was flat-out honest that I was concerned about my role as a doula versus as a babysitter and they were completely understanding of my concern and didn't want me to feel torn between my client and her older child. They still would like to figure out a way for him to be a part of the birth but said they were still considering how it could work, but they seemed like they honestly didn't want me to be their babysitter! I don't think they were trying to trick me, lol. Thanks for the advice!

You might suggest they hire a doula in training who would be there JUST for child care, not as a doula. But some doulas in training would likely love to attend a birth, even as a child care provider, just to SEE a birth. But that way they could be assured that the person would respect their space.

That's a great idea, thanks!

I have attended births with older children present and having either a family member dedicated to the child or a doula in training has always worked out well. Birth can be scary for kids and having someone there to support them and be a constant gentle reminder that mommy's noises are helping her get the baby out can really make the experience a positive one for them.

I've worked with several clients who didn't have any local friends or family they were comfortable with leaving their older child/ren with. For the most part I am hired to support mom and Dad is then free to meet the child's needs.

In some cases dad drops mom off at the birth location with me and then returns after the birth. In other cases dad comes in and out with the sibling.

It's becoming more and more common that clients have older siblings and no one to care for them that they trust so sometimes you have to get creative!