I'm trying to figure out how to keep personal details to a minimum here, since the details are what my thread is about! My fifth birth was today, a single teen mom with the support of her mom and the baby's father. I didn't know what the relationship was between my client and the father, if they were dating or not, and didn't feel comfortable asking. While she was in labor, he was very supportive and it seemed to me like they were "together." (I didn't say anything or imply anything to them, just did my job.)

Before she was about to push, she started to lose it- she started hyperventilating, crying, and totally lost control. She asked to speak to me alone so her mom and the dad left the room. As soon as they were gone she squeaked out, "He has a girlfriend!" and I realized what was going on. Now, I've had three babies of my own and I know what sort of crazy hormones are going through your body during labor and delivery. Here was this poor little girl, trying to figure out where she stands with this dad, because he's in her face comforting her, holding her hand, and saying he loves her, but clearly my client was confused, mad, frustrated, sad, and torn about all of this.

I got her focused, and she did a wonderful job during pushing. I was pretty much her only support though. I've not attended a birth with this dynamic though, it definitely left me wondering how many single moms go through this- single by choice or single because they're husband is in the military or gone for some reason.

Anyways, just thinking a lot about this tonight. My client has wonderfully supportive parents but I just ache for her having to deal with the drama of the baby's dad.

I have worked with parents who are not "together", but dad is present for labor support and birth. It has never gone well. Im sure out there somewhere there is a doula who can talk about a good experience with this dymanic, but not me.

When talking with expectant moms about who will be with her during her labor I always ask "Is this person going to be there because you feel comforted and supported by him/her OR because you feel he/she deserves to be there". Sometimes moms feel bullied into allowing their mother, sister, friend, cousin, mother in law, or baby daddy in the room. The concept of "it's his baby, he deserves to be there" makes me crazy! Does he deserve to bond with his baby immediatly after birth? YES! Does he deserves to have a relationship with his child throughout both of their lives? YES! Does he deserve to be involved in the pregnancy? well...sometimes. Does he deserve to witness the mother of this child labor and give birth? Hell no. Labor and birth are sacred and private. Anyone who brings anything less than love and support into the room has no business being there.

It sounds like you did exactly the right thing. Also sounds like this might have been a volunteer or other "no introduction" birth?? Anyway, I alway process before hand who will be there and why.

Thanks for your response. Yeah, it was a pretty much a no introduction sort of thing, we met literally one week before the birth, Mom was already 41 weeks present. I am going to remember how you word your questions- "Do you want them there or feel like they deserve they should be there?" Because you're right. The nurse also talked to her a bit about it too, but it was because her mom (the grandma) was wanting the grandpa to be there and my client didn't want him there. I think overall she was happy with how things went, but we haven't gotten to talk too much as she's still in the hospital and when I went back to check on her she was asleep.

I am considering volunteering my services at our local pregnancy assistance center a couple of times a year so I should probably do some sort of training in this, or at least speak with more doulas who are experienced in this area!

It's upsetting to watch events like this unfold before your eyes.I had a birth a few years ago that was the same. Met mom at 39 weeks she was induced at 40 due to high BP. (no surprise there after learning what she was dealing with) Mom had a 36 hour back labor with posterior baby. (we did get baby turned) The dad was there but was texting his new girlfriend. It was so upsetting to mom I finally jumped in and told him to put that blankety-blank phone away or he was going to lose it. Had to do what I had to do for my client.