I'm looking for ways for a mama to make her pregnancy special when hubby/family isn't very involved.

Okay, it's me

My first pregnancy was very special - was my first baby, my parents' first grandchild. Still, I had to beg my mom for a baby shower (and pretty much did all the work myself) and I have only a couple of snapshots of the hubby and I together during the pregnancy.

Second pregnancy was kind of... pushed to the back burner with everything going on in our life - moving and then hubby was in school and my mom was very busy with work. I never felt it was celebrated. I took most of my own pregnancy pictures (in a mirror). My 5 year old took a couple and a friend got a few great shots.

I'm now expecting #3. We've been through some marital problems and I got pregnant unexpectedly 2 weeks after returning home from a separation. So even my mom was shocked and not sure what to say when I told her. Hubby is not happy about this baby, family is ambivalent. I'm trying to find some ways to celebrate this baby and this pregnancy and make it special but I'm pretty much on my own. I'm terrified at the thought of raising 3 kids on my own and I think finding a way to celebrate this baby will help me with that.

I want to get professional maternity photos done but hubby refuses to be in pictures. I got pictures of the boys and I in the fall and several people asked why my husband was not in the pictures. I don't know if I want go through that again. Should I? I don't regret that I have the pictures, I just hate having people ask why isn't he in them. It reminds me of how alone the boys and I feel.

Can I throw my own mother blessing? I can think of a few people who would come but I can't think of anyone I could ask to throw it for me. I know it's bad ettiquette for baby showers but I'm not asking for any gifts - I already have most of what I need. I just want some support and celebration. Also, can I invite my midwife?

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Hi
Congratulations!!
It is unfortunate that you don't have the support your should But maybe once the shock is gone a few of your family members will come around. Even if they don't, have you tried looking for pregnancy related groups in your area? Maybe if you got with some other moms who are in similar situations or professions, you could find support that way Or, you could do some things that include/encourage your sons in the welcoming/celebration of the baby. It might give you all the lift that you need, and something you can all look forward to together
Don't forget Alldoulas, too

BTW, about the pictures, It's really rude that they would ask you in the first place, maybe you could choose a different photographer this time. But don't forget, amateur photos can have great stories too, even if it's your five year old taking them again!

Thanks! It wasn't the photographer, it was friends and family that commented. I just told them the truth which was that I'd only gone intending to get the boys' pictures done and the photographer encouraged me to get in a picture too and I loved that one enough to buy it. My husband was at work which was why he wasn't there. I just didn't tell them that he wouldn't have gone in the picture had he been there anyways... I got Christmas snapshots of him with the boys only by promising I wouldn't show anyone (or by saying I was just taking pictures of the boys hehe). I don't want them to grow up and ask why there's no pictures of them with their dad.

Can you think of anything specifically that I can do with the boys? I can't think of anything...

It feels very lonely - 1st time we were separated for 3 months - beyond our control - but I had my mom to share it with when the baby moved or my belly popped. 2nd time it was my husband's first time witnessing it all so he thought it was cool. This time it seems I'm the only one who cares at all. Maybe once the movement is strong enough for them to feel they'll be more interested? I LOVE going to my midwife appointments because at least they're excited about it.

I feel like I can't get involved in single mother groups because I'm married but I have a hard time with other married mothers when they talk about how involved their husband is and I can't relate to that and find myself getting bitter so I just avoid it altogether.

The way you describe the situation is that your husband will have no involvement in the pregnancy or the child once born. Is this true? Is it possible that it will become "More real" for him once you are further along?

You need to reach out within your community for some woman to woman support. Whatever your children are into that is where you will find other mothers. If they go to the park, to gymnastics, to a playgroup, to martial arts, to theater class, to swimming, etc. Be bold and strike up a conversation. See if they will be coming the following week. Maybe you can go to a child-friendly coffee spot after the scheduled event.

Additionally, you and your husband are still married. You don't have to answer this, but what are your plans for your relationship? Are you two living together now? Have you considered going to counseling together or separately? Doing this before the next baby's arrival will help.

A lot can and probably will change before August. I am hoping that your family realizes what a blessing a new child in the family is, regardless of when it was conceived. Good luck.

Great advice from previous posters. I feel very bad for your situation.

It is no one's business about the timing of your pregnancy. This baby should always feel loved and wanted and not an "oops".

oh honey, i'm sad to hear about your loneliness!! i think you got great advice, especially from yvonne. if at all possible, try to get clear with your husband and your relationship. i pray that you may grow together once again, but if not, it's important to know it and be able to grieve and move forward. i think that at this stage of uninvolvement from your husband, you totally qualify as a single mom. i can very well relate to that. if you would like to chat with another married but partial single mom, feel free to pm me. what about your parents in law? are they a bit more excited? are you planning on having a doula? maybe she would be willing to throw a babyshower for you? or better yet, a moma blessing ceremony, like the one Blessing God's Way suggests? getting a footwash, massage from a friend?
What about getting a simple stetoscope or pinard's horn to get your kids AND husband more interested and involved?
last but not least, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE GROWING A MIRACLE!!

You sure can. Invite whoever you like, your midwife, friends, family members who you actually want to have there.

I'm going to try to remember all the questions that were asked... sorry if I miss any.

My husband... well I won't allow him to say anything directly negative about the baby so he pretty much says nothing at all. He complains about the effects on him of me being pregnant - having to live in a house that isn't so tidy because I'm so tired, our intimacy is affected (mostly by other problems but the pregnancy does affect it as well), things like that. I asked him if any part of him is at all excited and he couldn't answer me. He did concede that once the child is here, he'll love it just as much as our first two. But that doesn't mean he'll actually help me care for the baby. He'll pretty much only do stuff for our oldest and only because he's old enough to ask for it (and nag him lol) himself. He was furious when I spent $80 on maternity clothes (a week after he spent $150 on clothes for himself) and says he won't allow me to spend any of "his" money on baby stuff. I told him that's fine, I'd spend my money (tax return, some money from the last birth I did) on what I needed for the baby (double stroller, new carseat.) He's fine with paying for diapers, food, etc. but buying baby gear is worse than pulling teeth, he HATES it. He'd rather buy stuff for himself, like computers, tvs, video games. So that's why I think that I'm pretty much on my own with this. He does take me to my midwife appointments when he's available, my mom takes me when he can't. I honestly prefer when he's not there as I'm alone with my midwife and can be more honest.

I don't know where our relationship is headed. We were in counselling but he stopped that when he started school, said it interfered with his schedule. It really seemed to be helping so I hope we can go back to it when he finishes school in May. I only hope to have some stability by the time the baby is born. My oldest will be starting grade 1 right around the time (within days/weeks) of when the baby will be born so that's already a lot for him (and us) to deal with!

Right now I'm still living with him. Only reason for this is that my parents' house (where I was staying before) is too far from my oldest son's school and I don't want him to change schools in the middle of a school year. If nothing changes then I won't stay in this for any longer than I have to - so that'd keep me here until the end of June and then I'd have two months or so to adjust before the baby comes.

I'll definitely have a doula. He put up a fight with that but I stood my ground. I told him I honestly don't care if he is there or not and I don't want him there unless he WANTS to be there (he said he's not sure he wants to be there and I think if that's the case then I'll do better without him there) - but I WILL have my doula.

thank you for sharing your life with us! awww, what a tough situation.
from what i read i believe that you are living in an abusive relationship. your husband withholding available finances for necessary needs and items (maternity clothes, baby stuff) while spending more money on fun for himself (electronics and clothes) qualify for financial abuse, which is one kind of domestic violence. not surprising that your intimacy is suffering.
oh whether your husband likes it or not, this is the baby of both of you, and he is equally responsible for his or her needs. if nothing else, he's mandated to pay his part for the baby's needs. here he wouldn't come away with his behavior, but i don't know about us laws. i can still so well relate with all of that. my own marriage has been so similar to yours. i'm not trying to critisize your husband or yourself, i'm just trying to tell you what i see as an outsider without more information than what is in your posts.
now i believe that people can change, but there must be a minimal willingness and investment to work on the problems, which seems no longer the case since he stopped counseling. school is a rather lame excuse for stopping, when the clear priority are the IMMEDIATE needs and wellbeing of a family. it is very difficult to change dynamics in such a relationship. can you possibly continue counseling on your own? i'd really, really encourage that you seek support and encouragement!! you so deserve it, as do your children!

Thank you Falling Leaves. I'm in Canada, not the U.S. though

Yes, I am aware that he is abusive. He used to be verbally abusive too but the counsellor gave me some tools to deal with that and he very rarely does it anymore. He is still very controlling though - with the finances and limiting my activivies by refusing to watch the kids and not helping me get my driver's license. So whereever I go, whatever I do, it can't cost money, I have to take the kids, and I have to be able to walk or take the bus there. This obviously drastically affects my social life - I have virtually none. He also had issues with alcohol that resulted in a traumatic episode with the police and CPS which was when I left. He swore he'd never touch a drop of alcohol again for the rest of his life but is already trying to justify it again. I won't buy his excuses or explainations. If he ever drinks again, I'm gone immediately and I won't come back again. I (and my kids) won't live in fear like that again. Aaron still (5 months later) gets scared if he even hears his dad mention the word alcohol. I know he could benefit from counselling too, and he'll qualify next month for a government-sponsored program (he has to be 6 to qualify) but I still don't know how I'll get him there.

If we're separated then my parents will help me (with watching the kids while I get counselling, helping me get my driver's license, etc) but since we're together, they say he should be doing it and they won't interfere.

Tell him he needs to man up and do his job as a husband and father. He can come up with excuses all he wants, but that doesn't make them legit. Sorry, I know that accepting this type of behavior is just easier because you are pregnant but you should put your foot down. He wont let you buy a car seat? Sell his video games on Craig's list and use that money to buy one.

And yes, you can totally throw yourself a blessingway.

Please do not allow any man to treat you this way!
If you have a way out then take it. This is a terrible example of how a man should treat a woman that is being shown to your sons. Leave.... do whatever you have to do, but it sounds like you have your parents support. I watched my daughter live in an emotionally abusive relationship for a while, it damn near killed me as a mother and as a grandmother. Please find help.... sounds like he may be a timebomb and someone, probably you, could be hurt or killed.

You've gotten a lot of advice here so far. The only thing I would add (assuming you want him around) is that you should make him think of this from the view of this baby. Tell him you want him in pregnancy photos, so this baby doesn't think he/she was the cause of misery for their daddy. Tell your mom you want a blessingway, because this baby deserves it. Maybe the circumstances blow, but this is still a baby that deserves to think that he/she was celebrated. At least, that's what I think. This isn't about you and him - it's about Baby.

Thanks ladies. I'm just trying to bide my time until I can leave or we get back into counselling. I don't see the point in creating more arguements than absolutely necessary. He has no problem arguing in front of the kids (infact, seems to argue more when they're there than when they're not) so I'm just trying to keep the peace as much as I can. The kids and I don't need that stress.

That's a good idea about the video games - I actually have a few of my own that I can sell. I wouldn't want him to sell my birthy books or sewing machine or something like that so I won't touch what belongs to him.

Using your kids against you, to keep you a good little (submissive, quiet) woman, keeping you financially dependant on him, not providing, nor lettin you provide life's neccessities, keeping you from getting your license thereby making you more dependant on him is abuse. I know it is hard to think of raising this little one alone, along with your other children but I am here to tell you that you can. I know that you may not have the emotional energy to deal with that right now (ask me how I know) but I just want to tell you that there is some help for you out there when you are ready. And when you do, because I think you will at some point, and you get your life in order, you will be amazed at the amount of energy you have because you are no longer spending it all on him. Walking on eggshells takes a TREMENDOUS amount of energy.