Oh Dear Summer. I am so so so very sorry. I hope you feel so much pride when you look in the mirror each day and see a breathing, functioning, beautiful woman who has lived to be a mother and a woman and so much more. What your mother did was even worse than what this man did. You are her blood, you were her baby girl. She should have killed that man, and instead she became his accomplice. I am so sorry, and at the same time so happy for you to have risen above this to the level that you have. Keep your face turned up toward the sunshine and keep moving forward. You amaze me.

Thank you ladies. It will be 11 years this coming February, and sometimes I still feel victimized because it affects me daily. To anyone who has ever been through any type of abuse, I really recommend counseling. My first experience with counseling sent me into a suicidal spiral, but after "shopping around" for counselors I have finally found the one that works for me. There is a counselor for everyone. After 2 years of counseling, my husband joined me so that he can fully understand the effects. For me it all seems so normal, but I admit if I had to read a book of my life I would probably cry.

I have a question for those who are survivors as well...do you have/had some issues with healthy boundaries? I am extremely sensitive and overprotective of my son. When he was 2, he had a problem with his testicle and apparently I over-explained my reasons for touching my son's penis and testicles to the point that a nurse straight out asked me if I had been sexually abused. I was SO scared the hospital was going to take my son away from me for checking out his pain. For two weeks straight I feared opening the door because I thought CPS would be outside. I am still trying to find what is "normal" for a parent. My son is 7 and we are a nude family around the house, although sometimes I wonder if that is too much?

Summer, as for healthy boundaries, I was never sexually abused but my mother was for her entire adolescent life by her father, as were all of her siblings. When I was 8 my dad sat us down and told us what my grandfather had done, and thats why us kids werent allowed to be alone with him.When I was 9 I found out that my older brother (10 years older than me) had been molested by my mothers younger sister when he was only 6, so sex abuse had seemed to me to be "everywhere" because of that, I am WAY over protective of my children. I was a single mother for years and NEVER let men meet my babies. I have talks with my daughter about her "private places" and what to do if she feels uncomfortable. My son loves to be naked (hes 2) but when people come over I feel like I need to explain it to them so they dont think Im a weirdo that doesnt dress my kids. I am naked in front of my daughter who is 7, and she regularly comes into the bathroom while I am showering to talk to me. I dont think its too much unless it makes her uncomfortable, in which case I would be more modest. Im sure youre a wonderful mom. Its a learning process for all of us

I was never raped(thank god -- after the safety of my child, it is probably my biggest fear). I have been molested though. I was an upperclassman in high school, and it only happened once. Married man, his wife was upstairs(getting ready for a party we were all going to). His elementary school aged son was in the same room. I was sitting on the floor, he was on the couch, and I could feel his foot touching me, so I moved forward, then I felt his foot again, I told him to stop multiple times, so there was probably more, and he used his hands to touch me under my arms, i.e. the sides of my breasts. I got up, and he "helped" me up by holding me in the same area(under my arms). I went upstairs to hang out with his wife until we left for the party. I never told her. I later told my friend. Two friends actually. I told my absolute best friend in the whole wide world(we mostly talked online, and we had no trouble talking about incredibly personal things, so it was easier) and my other really good, long-time friend noticed that I was acting weird at school and asked me what happened. I think I was crying. We walked around the school(away from the prying ears of other people we knew) and I told her. I think she talked to her mom about it, and both friends suggested that I talk to our community religious leader about it. We set up an appointment, I told my mom that my friend invited me for dinner, and the school friend came with me to talk to our religious leader. The man who did the abuse also attended services at our religious center. our religious leader asked if I wanted to press charges, and I told him I didn't. He also asked me if I wanted him to talk to the man, and I said that I did, but I didn't want to be present. I can only assume that he talked to him. I was advised to not go to their house again, but I did, one more time, they were having a party in a hall for their son(a really huge event, comparable to first communion or bar mitzvah). Thankfully, nothing happened, and I didn't go there again. I told my husband months after we had been married. His wife has invited me many times since then, but I have respectfully declined. She still has no idea, and I have no intention of telling her.

I have been wondering all day what to say here for those of you who shared your horrific, heartbreaking stories as clicking Thank YOu to each one of you just didn't seem enough.
As someone said to Summer....I weep for you. Truly.
I am so very sorry that there are so many wonderful women out there- and amongst us doulas trying to help other women - who have been so cruely treated. I am humbled to be trusted by so many of you who have either never spoken of it, or have told so very few. I am saddened to live in a society where "sex sells," and sends the wrong message to our baby boys who turn into teenagers and grown males who think that it is their right. I am in awe knowing that at least one of you is a loving momma to a son conceived in violence, when you could have chosen the "easy" road. I am disgusted at the mothers out there that stay with dirt-bags knowing they are doing this to their precious children. I am terrified that my 3 beautiful daughters (ages 9 to 14) will be another statistic in this world. I am grateful that by some miracle I will never understood - especially with my hi-school and college wild-days and dumb choices - I was often in situations where I could have been raped or molested, but I wasn't. And I am determined to talk about it often to those 3 daughters so they can learn to never, ever believe they can't tell, or that they can't say no. At the top of their innocent, trusting lungs.
You are each powerful, strong, and brave.
I am honored to be a part of such amazing women, and so glad I just found this forum the last few weeks. And I thought I would just get doula-help...
Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

While I totally agree with this, this is not the cause. In cultures where sex is considered taboo unless a couple is trying to have a baby - rape still happens in astronomical numbers. In ultra conservative cultures, in ultra liberal cultures, in male dominated cultures, in female dominated cultures...rape occurs.

That said, every time I see a little girl with words written on the butt of her pants I cry inside. I don't care if the word is Jesus written on her butt, the second you draw attention to a part of her body, people are not just looking at the words. While my child (and family) are full nudist at home, the second the door opens, my child has on at least shorts and a shirt. When we go to the beach he HAS to wear a rash guard. I once saw a documentary where sex offenders were interviewed and almost all of them who targeted children said their initial attraction came from nipples and belly buttons (odd) from young children. While rape and molestation is never the victim's fault, I will do everything to keep attention off my child. If I am blessed with girls, they will wear board shorts and rash guards as well.

I have heard that pedophiles are attracted to the innocence. I love my kids' belly buttons - they're SO cute - perhaps it's that cuteness that attracts these perverts. My boys also wear rash guard shirts - although previously only to avoid sunburns, I will ensure that they continue to wear them for this reason as well.

I do not know if this is rape (could someone tell me yes or no? My gut says yes). My husband gets extremely angry (stomping, slamming doors, yelling at me, making threats: don't you dare come and ask me for anything - like to take me grocery shopping because I don't drive - since you won't do anything for me) if I tell him no. Or he accuses me of withholding to punish him because I didn't get my way if we've just had a fight and I don't feel like doing it.

I previously would do anything to avoid a fight and worried about him waking the kids (especially when our 2nd had colic and would be up all night - I'd finally just get to sleep (and might only get 20-40 minutes before he'd wake up again) and H would come in and wake me up for sex. I had to choose between giving up my sleep for a few minutes or possibly risk him waking up the baby and then I'd be up with the baby for hours while he cried again.) He only once helped when the baby was crying - I pushed the baby into his arms while he was watching tv and said I couldn't take it and went in the shower so I couldn't hear his crying. The rest of the time it was all on me.

I feel like he used my sleep deprivation against me in order to get sex. He would often ask for sex and if I said no, he'd fight for hours so I got no sleep anyways. So it was easier just to give in. Rarely, I'd be brave enough to say he could have sex if he'd get up with the baby next time so I could sleep and he'd reply that he didn't have breasts and he isn't the mom and he won't replace me. Or he'd agree to get up so we'd have sex and then when the baby woke up, he'd tell me I had to get up because I was breastfeeding or he'd get up and just bring the baby to me so I had to get up anyways (he wouldn't settle down to eat until I changed his diaper).

There was absolutely zero compassion for what I was going through - when I called my mom to ask for help (I just need to catch a nap!) he'd get on the phone and tell her I didn't need help because he was up all night helping me. I'd have to tell her when he wasn't around that he'd sit up all night playing video games and then whenever he felt like it (usually as soon as he heard that the baby had been quiet for a few minutes and I'd gone back to bed), he'd come and wake me up for sex.

I've finally gotten to the point (in the past couple weeks) where I've told him that until he treats me like his wife and not just a whore/maid/chef, I will not treat him like a husband. He still accuses me of just withholding because I'm mad that I didn't get my own way but now I see that it's just manipulation.

He even accused me of getting pregnant on purpose when HE was the one that woke me up for sex and I told him no because 1. I needed sleep and 2. my chart was showing I would ovlulate soon. He assured me he'd be quick and he'd pull out. Well, he wasn't quick (he never is - he'll ask if I have 10 minutes and then take an hour or more) and obviously didn't pull out soon enough. Then had the nerve to tell me "Well, you got what you wanted" when I told him I was pregnant. I told him, "No, YOU got what you wanted and now I have to work for the next 20 years for your few seconds of pleasure. All *I* wanted was sleep!" He refused (or at least pretended to refuse) to believe what I was saying.

[I'm not rejecting this child. I love babies, I just did not want to bring any more children into a marriage like this. I wanted to wait until either by some miracle our marriage got better or until I met someone who treated me right. I don't relish the thought of another crazy, tense labour without a supportive partner - aside from my wonderful doula - or going through colic alone (with 2 older kids to care for this time.) Regardless, this is still my child as much as it is his and I know I'll love him/her as much as my other two despite the rotten timing.]

We talked in counselling about boundaries and not starting fights right as I go to bed as I'm left between being sleep deprived by refusing to capitulate or I give in to get the arguement to end. He agreed to stop when I tell him to but doesn't and now refuses to go back to counselling as he's "sick of everyone focusing on him and telling him everything he's doing wrong."

I can barely sleep because I'm so scared he's going to wake me up for sex and then I either have to give in (and another part of me dies a little) or start a huge fight and lose hours of sleep - and still have to get up with the kids in the morning and somehow function all day. Every time we have sex, it is very painful. He says I just have to relax and it won't hurt (blaming me). I didn't understand why, when my 2nd was born, I'd tense whenever someone told me to just relax. The more they'd tell me to relax, the more tense I'd get - and the more tense I got, the more they told me to relax. I've just now, writing this, had this epiphany.

Sorry this got so long!

I'm pasting this from a neutral source so that you know that it's not my personal opinion, or a feeling I have, or that I"m projecting, or any of the other things your mind might tell you to keep you in your situation. I posted this from here.

I do want to say that never once in my 11 year marriage and 20 year friendship with my husband have I EVER felt afraid, intimidated, manipulated or pressured. (Okay, maybe a little passive aggressiveness, but nothing major). If I do not want to have sex he might tease me a little but he would never, ever make me feel bad about it.

I don't know that I would say your situation is rape but if YOU say it is, then it IS.

I hope that you can read this and that it helps bring you some clarity. You are asking for help, I hope you are able to receive it. Much love to you.



Here's another site.

I wish I could edit my darn posts. *sigh* I wanted to go back and say that YES, I would call what your husband is doing to you rape. I'm so sorry, Anna. What do you think you will do with this information?

Thank you for validating my feelings. All I ever hear (from family, friends) when I've tried to discuss it is they change the topic, say nothing, or say "you have to forgive and let go of the past," "believe the best instead of assuming the worst," "you're being overly sensitive - you've been like this your whole life," "oh, it can't be that bad", "It could be worse," or "that doesn't sound like something he'd do." (In my mind, this sounds like they are calling me a liar, whether they intend to or not.) He's a genius (literally) and a charmer and has them all fooled, just like he had me fooled.

I don't feel like there's anything that I can do. Where can I go with 2 or 3 kids? Noone that is willing to help has room for us all and those that have room think I should stay with him. The only sympathetic ears I have are my midwife and my doula. My midwife is going to see if there are any mental health clinics nearby that could help me (she doesn't know much of what is going on, but knows I'm at risk for pre/postpartum depression). I'm hoping I can learn more ways to stand up to him. But even with that, I don't drive, he gets mad at me if I spend "his" money on bus tickets, and I always have to have my kids with me (he won't "babysit"). The older one is in school every other day but the younger is always with me.

I took the quiz on that website. It says "If you scored 5 points or more, you are definitely seeing warning signs and may be in an abusive relationship." I got 16.

Anna, there are resources for survivors (I do not believe in victims, only survivors) of domestic violence. If you want to leave, you may need to make some very difficult decisions. I am not saying what they are because I do not know, but I'm just saying it so that you can start wrapping your mind around it. I would start by calling the hospital and asking them about their domestic violence resources. Call a police station and see what they can tell you. They'll likely encourage you to file a report and in my friend's experience, she gained a lot of resources by doing so.

Abusers (I know this personally too) keep you without resources so you CAN'T leave. Do you have a friend who can start teaching you to drive on the sly? There's no reason he can prevent you from learning if you're able to get time away from your house. I would encourage you to tell your WHOLE story to your midwife. I know there is so much more htan you've even written here- these stories unravel and you find out much later that even seemingly small things that flew under your radar were also manipulations, abuse. What would be helpful is a friend who isn't going to tell you what an ass your husband is, but who can be supportive in helping you to get away. No one (even a survivor) wants to hear from someone outside the marriage that their husband is a bad guy. If they're bad guys, then what does that make us for loving them?

You might start looking at your relationships with a different eye- what can people do for you right now? If your family is unsupportive, don't bother with them right now. Borrow money if you can, borrow some babysitting time if you can and educate yourself as much as possible about your resources. Abusers would have you believe that you can not leave. Even if you have to live in a shelter for a while, a shelter would provide you and your children *safety*. You might not know or remember what that feels like anymore- your children are craving it and they dont' know what it is, either! You deserve to be able to relax and feel safe and say no, and ask for things you want, to be needy and weak and vulnerable without worry that you will be kicked while you're down, literally or figuratively.

What state are you in? You can PM me if you like and I will be so glad to support you and help you gather resources. It's important that you talk to other women who have been in your shoes and who have safely gotten away, I encourage you to find out what the DV resources are in your community.

One of they ways they control us is by keeping us pregnant and dependent. <3 Love to you, Anna.

I have very, very few friends left anymore. More like acquaintainces. A few have said, "Let me know if you need anything" but then when I ask for help, say they don't want to get involved.

When I left last November, our 5yo missed 2 days of school. H said that's child abuse to deny him his education (he missed 2 days in 2 weeks because my brother couldn't drive him on Mondays and my parents were away on vacation). I told H he was welcome to come and pick him up and take him to school and then take him home (to where I was staying) and he said "you just need to come home. Don't make him suffer because you're angry at me." So I am afraid that if I go to a shelter, and I know that there's none remotely close to where we live and where his school is, that he'll miss school and it will look bad on me trying to get custody. He says he'll never try to take the kids away but if there's one thing I know with certainty it's not to trust what he says when he's in a good mood because it will change when he's in a bad mood.

If I only had one friend that I could stay with for 1 week and could drive me around (to set up child support, temporary custody/visitation, find a place for us to stay more long-term, enroll him in school close to our new place (there's no way I can afford anyplace close to his current school)... but noone is able and willing to do that for me. Even if I was still living here, even if they could just drive me around to get that taken care of (I could go out while H is at school/work so he doesn't know) and then help us get moved into our new place when that was set up. But I can't find even that. It's rare I can even get someone to just come over to my place and chat, let alone drive me someplace and help me do those things. 1 friend (a neighbour) that otherwise might help is scared of him and doesn't want to get involved. 1 friend has said she'd be willing if she didn't live several hours away. I can't think of anyone else.

I am in Ontario, Canada.

I don't think he would have gotten me pregnant on purpose. We fought almost constantly because I refused to use hormonal birth control (had 2 miscarriages on it before learning it can cause those and had many side effects, including depression, while on it). I had no problem with trying something else but he found fault with every method (natural family planning - requires self-control on his part though, condoms - he hates them, diaphragm - he said the failure rates were too high). He was going to get snipped at one point and I resisted and finally gave in (because I'd given up on us and figured at least it'd keep my kids as his only kids and he wouldn't go on and replace them with some kids he has with someone else - selfish perhaps but my own kids are #1 to me) and then he decided not to (saying that it's not fair that he had to do it because I was just going to go and get some other man that would give me more kids and he'd have to keep paying for the "children he gave me" and then he'd be permanently damaged and what if he ever wanted more?)

Basically, whatever "we" did had to be entirely on me. He said he helped bear the responsibility in that he would ask me if I'd changed my patch or taken my pill. Often several times in the same day. And he paid for it. But I had to put up with constant side effects because he couldn't put up with a bit less sensitivity for a few minutes with using a condom. He is frequently doing whatever he can to avoid accepting responsibility, so getting me pregnant would seem to go against that. However, keeping me dependent on him in other ways is definitely something he works towards constantly (and vehimently (sic?) denies!)

Sorry, I know this is getting way off topic. If a moderator wants to separate it to a new thread, feel free.

I'm so glad you're sharing and writing it out- it will help you to gain perspective and some clarity. It's hard when you live in a tunnel of surviving from one moment to the next!


Go and talk to the school about it. While you are in transition, your kids may miss a little school. That's okay. If they know what's happening they will know why and will support you in keeping your son caught up. Seriously, your child missing a few days of school will look worse than the abuse your spouse perpetuates in front of your children? I'm calling shenanigans on that one. He will have you believe patent lies because it keeps him in control. Now is the time to decide what truth you want to tell and then TELL IT- get help by telling your story! You will be surprised by how people will step forward for you. Friends may be pulling away because they just don't know what to say or do for you. My sister was being beaten horribly by her husband and all I could do was love her from afar and wait for her to be ready to leave. Once she was, we flew her home that very night (from NY to WA) and she and her toddler moved in with us for six months while she got her head together. We barely spoke before that.

Don't count people out yet, Anna! If people offer help, ask for something specific- rides, a couch to sleep on, a pick up from school for your son- be specific and it will help people to say YES to helping you. The more resources you can tap into (organizations, professionals) the broader your base of support will be, too.