Hello all,
I am a new doula and I'm really excited about attending my first birth soon. I'm envisioning various possible scenarios and trying to think what would be the best way to support the mom.
So I was wondering: how do you best support a mother who prefers to be left to labor alone and doesn't want to be touched?
I know that most women tend to need the encouragement, the touch, the reassurance. But some women tend to naturally retreat in a private space and reject other people's intentions to help her physically or emotionally.
Did this ever happen to you? What is your approach in supporting the mom and dad in this situation? I would assume patient and respectful waiting for the mom to ask for what she needs or gentle suggestions for positions, silent offering of water, and reassurance for the father that all is well. Any other suggestions?

Thank you so much!
Narchi

My first mom was like that. She wanted me to "keep her husband occupied and away from her" and for us to keep talking to each other for background noise. It was just what worked for her. I didn't touch her until I hugged her after baby was born.

This happens fairly often, at least at some point during the labor. During these times the doula can be helpful by holding the space for mama. Model ways for other support people to be encouraging without touch and keep others occupied with tasks that make them feel useful, without being all up in moms space.

For some reason in this culture pregnant women lose all rights to control who touchs them! It's bizarre, but ask any mother during the 3rd trimester and she will tell you that everyone has their hands on her belly. Rubbing, poking, jiggling, you name it!! So it makes perfect sense to me that when the vulnerability of labor hits she wants to yell "HANDS OFF!!!".

Exactly! You've got it! Encourage her quietly, keep the space tidy and peaceful for her, and keep her partner calm Sometimes just being there is the best support you can offer. She'll let you know when she needs you!

Good Luck!

Thank you for your responses and encouragement. It's great to have such a resource of knowledge and support here.

i like how you word that!

My first (2 weeks ago) birth was like that, and I wish I'd found this site sooner so I could have been more prepared for it.
Her partner was great (she didn't want him to do anything either), the hospital staff was completely awesome (as hospital staffs go) and the birth was uncomplicated.
I have since read a lot more on this partiular topic- I felt bad because I didn't have the peace inside me that I should have (and I know how to do, but here I kept thinking any minute now she'll need me to do something, and she never did).
I have also added crochet to my kit so I can keep my hands busy, do nothing and still be available. My client was super nice, and I thought she felt a little guilty making me just sit there!

My client ended up needing a lot of hands on support - mainly back massage - for about 35 hours. I'm so glad it all ended well. It was a fantastic first birth and I could not have asked for a better client. Amazing experience!

I'm a bit like that myself, I don't really like to be touched, and as my last labor was mostly in the water, I really didn't need it. All I wanted my doula to do was be there to listen, encourage and be available just in case. When I had to get out of the water, I did want her to press on my back, but I wasn't able to articulate it and she never asked so that was a bit frustrating. I'm telling you this so you should realize that things change throughout the labor and every once in a while (not too often) you should find out if there's something she wants you to do. Otherwise just sit back and be there for her. Just your presence makes a tremendous difference.

That is great feedback, thank you! I will definitely keep this in mind. My client also didn't like the back pressure in the beginning and preferred the heat, but after a while she needed that strong pressure. So yes, things definitely change.
I also didn't need my doula to touch me during labor, that's because my husband was already doing a fantastic job at pressing my back. She tried once and the touch was too soft. But her presence there, reassurance, encouragement and trust were extremely important.

If they're the hands off type and seem to be struggling, I'll wait for the contraction to be over, and ask her "would it help if we tried ----- whatever came to mind----- during the next contraction?"

But when she's doing well, I just remind her (if necessary) to relax her shoulders and keep breathing through the contraction. When it's over I suggest a big deep breath and then offer her water.

I haven't been here in a while, but I've been a doula for 12 years with over 40 births. I have had mostly mothers who need hands on touch, but my last two clients needed me to keep hands off unless they asked me to rub a spot or hold pressure on their sacrum. (both were back labors). I sat in a chair by the bed, I meditated, and I reminded her to meditate. I encouraged her quietly and when she was worried that she was feeling pain too soon, I reminded her that all of the contrax were working towards the end result, birth. I also stood up when doctors came in and she stayed turned away. I didn't say anything. Just help the space for my client and keep the room dimly light when anyone left lights on after leaving. When nurses came in and became chatty, I responded very quietly, and tried to use as much non-verbal communication like nodding my head instead of saying "yes". I never looked at the equipment or checked to see how electronically her contractions were looking. I just faced her and listened for her needs. It is possible and it takes practice, but many mothers need nothing more. Congratulations!

I just experienced this last night. Mom did not want any one touching her especially her husband. I encouraged him a lot as he kept checking with me for reassurance and I verbally encouraged mom, reminded her that what she was experiencing was normal. I am so glad I found this post because I am sitting here near tears because I question my role and usefullness. Most of the time I was holding the space and reminding them of their wishes or reminding them to ask questions but I have this nagging feeling like my efforts weren't enough. I was exhausted, as were they, but I keep wondering should I have done more? Said more? I was often silent because I felt that was what was needed at the moment and spoke up when it counted. I think I am feeling a little insecure because her ob wrote on my (DONA) evaluation that I should have spoken up more, especially during the pushing phase. Then she didn't even rate me (because she didn't show up until 5 minutes before the end).

Sorry, i just need a place to vent. Any suggestions?

She (my client) labored for a fast five hours...it was my first time supporting a labor like that, plus she didn't want any contact but was losing control, ended up getting fent. (which didn't do anything), then an epidural...she went from a 6-10 while the epidural was being placed.*

So thankful for this post. Out of the 7 births I've attended so far, I'd say almost half the women wanted hands off for most of their labor. Some of them asked for the hospital TV to be turned on so they could have the focus off of them, some turned on their music and got into their zone. I noticed also that most of these "hand's off" women had invited their entire female family in to the room. I don't know if they were trying to distract themselves, but I kinda felt like the company was slowing their labor as a new person would come in and contractions would slow WAY down for quite some time before they would pick up again. But it's what they said they wanted so I wasn't sure what to do. I've tried leading people to take a break and go get a snack at the shop downstairs. But maybe that's off this topic. I guess what I want to learn is how to be that comforting, calm presence with out making them feel watched when they want me there but don't want touched. I liked the crocheting idea above. Maybe I'll bring my cross stitching or a book next birth I just don't want to come across as not in touch with their birth either by doing another activity, you know? I love love my home birth midwives and the way they give me attention and not attention at the same time when it's me in labor, but I guess I'm just having trouble figuring out how to attain that. If that makes any sense at all!